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Life And Death.

I don't know what will happen to me in the future, I don't know if things will be better or worse, that scares me.  I don't want to keep going into my future.  My other alternative is death, sooner or later it will happen, happens to everyone.  That scares me most of all. 

My cat, Mendokusai, just recently died.  I held him as he gasped for breath, trying to call out for help, but no voice would come, no air would come, I could see his tongue going from pink to purple as he desperately tried to speak.  I know he didn't know, yet at the same time did know (in a way) what was happening.  He tried so hard to fight for his life.  He didn't know death in the same way as we do.  It was so painful watching him and trying to sooth him with words and touch and then he went limp.    I looked into his eyes, pupils fully dilated, no response to light stimuli.  Was there still just one last second of brain activity where he could see me looking into his eyes?

Where did he go?  Is there nothing after death?  Will he be waiting for me?  Will we get to see each other again? 

I don't want to live because everything is so painful, but I am too scared to die because I don't know what is there.  It is the ultimate unknown.  A journey from which you can never return.  I just hope it comes quick, swift, and soon, and I don't even have time to realize what is happening.
katnipkitkat katnipkitkat 41-45, F Nov 30, 2011

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