29, Shy and Watching My Life Go ByWell while searching the net for sites to overcome shyness I found a comment left by another with a similar problem. So here I am, feeling a little silly about sharing my garbage with complete strangers though I am at a loss as to what to do.
As the title says, I'm 29 and watching my life go by. That's exactly how I would describe my life. The places, events, concerts and so forth I've avoided going to - no matter how much I've wanted to - have slipped by all because I'm terribly shy. I've missed out on so much, so so much and it really gets me down at times.
I'm so eccentric online, naturally because I'm hidden behind a screen and when people meet me (who I've met online) they are surprised at how shy I am. Most people unfortunately don't come up to me thinking I'm arrogant or stuck up - all due to the fact that I am quiet, avoid accepting offers to dance or to go out and have dinner etc, I'm not big on smiling and try to keep an even look on my face so I appear to not look frantic- my attempt at looking comfortable (which is obviously having a bad affect since people say I'm a snob?!?). I have this tough exterior that I put up, covering my nervousness with sarcasm and tomboyness (and at times I get ladylike) when the simple fact is I'm petrified on the inside that it's my only defence and one I've lived so long with it's completely natural, it comes up automatically. Now and then I hear what people think of me and I'm so appalled, I'm far from anything they say about me. *shrug* I've used that defence mechanism since primary school.
I see so many people having fun, hear of their experiences, see their photos. I wish I could be so carefree. One of my biggest problems with shyness is dancing. I've only gotten up a handful of times since I was 18 and none of them went too good. I can't dance :( But would so like to! I don't go out terribly much (goth clubs only) and it's now down to about once a year. I see people talking animatedly while I sit there (usually alone, trying to look busy texting on my phone as I sit there in a crowd yet on my own), preferring to always sit and chat to someone if I can find enough things to talk about (LOTS of uncomfy silences), and look out on the dancefloor, my feet tapping, so keen to go yet knowing I can't dance. (yes I've gotten up and tried - always come back feeling stupid and leave) Some people just really know how to and no doubt from years of learning because they aren't so shy. I wish I could just get up though so scared of making a fool of myself. If I could just get up I could spend hours on the dance floor, I just love music! *sigh* I wish I could just break through this invisible bubble (I guess you could call it) and step out into the world around me that I sit and watch go by.
It has affected me on every level, my self confidence is almost zero and has been for about eight years. I'm afraid to speak up, afraid to join in and prefer just to stay at home where I don't have to face it. I want a life so desperately, I'm aching to find the 'one thing' to overcome that will set a domino effect going and all my boundaries will fall yet I doubt such a thing exists. It has affected my diet - I'm stick thin to the point people worry about me, my personal health routine is zero, even down to just a simple daily beauty routine - gone. I am letting my shyness ruin my entire life and I would so hate to think anyone else out there is going through the same yet I know others are just like me - some far far worse.
Honestly...I feel like I don't know who I am. Is it the same for anyone else? It's as though I've covered up myself for so long that I am lost to the past and don't know where to dig. It's been so long since I was me and if I found myself I wouldn't know it. Should I bother looking anymore or do I make a new start? Yet how to make a new start? So many questions and life is ticking by. I wish I knew where to start.
If I could just get up and dance...it would open up so much for me. How silly, such a trivial thing to most yet such a mountain for me. (and others)
Well I could go on and on though I doubt anyone wants to hear it. Feel free to share as much about your shyness problems as you like, and ways you have found to overcome certain things.
lumi 26-30, F 22 Responses 13 Jun 4, 2007