I Am So Tired of Hurting and Being Sad
I am not sure what I am looking for on the internet...I have a husband who is a good man, a 13 year old son who is incredibly smart, an 8 year old daughter who is beautiful and talented, and 3 of the sweetest dogs you could ask for. I also have a good paying job, health insurance, benefits, a house, clothes, food...so what is wrong with my so-called perfect life? Where do I start?
I am feeling so very depressed about so many things that I can't even bring myself to see a therapist because I know noone would want to try to sort out my messed up head. I can say that I love my family too much to commit suicide, but I have contemplated it several times recently. The rational side of me says that my recent feelings of hopelessness, anger, and loneliness are related to a recent change in my medication. The side of me that searched online for someone to listen, understand and care says that if something doesn't improve soon, the rational side of me will disappear and bad things will happen.
I have overwhelming medical issues. Most recently, my knees legs and feet began swelling, becoming stiff, and hurt constantly. That is on top of fibromyalgia, chronic back pain from disc herniations, migraines, a pituitary tumor, asthma, and on and on and on. I see a pain specialist because after seeing 7 doctors, 3 chiropractors, 2 physical therapists, accupuncture, steroid injections amd surgery...noone could pinpoint and cure the exact cause of my back pain. Now, I take pain meds around the clock and have to take pills to help me stay awake. In the last year, I have had 2 car accidents (minor) from dozing at the wheel, and I am aware that this is a tragedy waiting to happen. I could not live with myself if I hurt anyone, I drive my children everywhere...God help me to be safe. The medication I take is of course addictive and although I tried to stop it cold turkey 2 weeks ago after the 2nd fender bender, I have only been able to cut the dosing from every 6 hours to every 8 hours. It is a start, but when I try to take less, I am in absolute misery with pain.
My husband, who I love with all my heart and soul, had been supportive and compassionate for the first several months after the back pain started, but that has dwindled to him only responding by saying "I'm sorry you're having a bad day". I would have to ask to really get anymore from him, in which case it is forced and not by any means heartfelt. He is a good man. He suffers with his own depression (which I blame myself for), Lately, we seem to be distancing so much that it makes me severely anxious and nauseated with fear that a pretty young thing would easily take him away if she desired. He has been my lover and best friend for 20 years and I feel like I am losing him. I miss him. He avoids talking to me most of the time because I am either angry, crying or complaining. Can't really blame him. Lately, we are not really even seeing eye to eye on raising/disciplining our children. That leads me to the second big issue...
My 13 year old son, has become a typical teenager overnight and I can't stand having lost my little boy. He's not sweet or loving anymore. In fact, he is usually mad at me for one thing or another. It breaks my heart into more and more pieces everyday. I will spare you the details of our conflicts, but it always stems from rules. Daddy rarely backs me up during confrontations. He has his moments of frustration with our son, but I am almost always the bad guy. I swear when my son knows his request will be denied, he asks me just so we can argue. Tonight I told him to do whatever he wants if daddy was good with that. I told him to ask his dad for permission to break the rules. Then my husband will have to be engaged, but will somehow come out as the one doing no wrong.
My 8 year old daughter is the closest thing I have to any affection and compassion. She also has her moments which she has learned from watching her brother, but she feels bad right away and apologizes. She too is likely tired of my complaints...now she is starting have complaints. She's mimicing me!!!
I do like what I do in my job, but it is very stressful which only adds to my "beaten and battered" feelling.
My parents will require a story in and of itself. I think they are trying to push me off the deep end. They have their problems, which I try to avoid because...they are never wrong and they are very controlling. Really? My 20 year HS reunion was this year. I think I can do without the parenting at this point.
My friends seem to have their own problems and don't really want to hear about mine. I have parted ways with a group of 3 ladies that turned out to not be the kind of friend I would enjoy.
I could write a book. The bottom line is that I am at the worst downward tumble of my life, and I have no idea what to do. I am just tired of hurting, tired of being tired, and would give anything to make all of these aweful aweful feelings go away. Perhaps writing it down will help and be a therapy session in and of itself. If you are reading this, thank you for bothering to see it through. Please do not respond with anything mean. I really really can't handle it right now. Thank you.
I am feeling so very depressed about so many things that I can't even bring myself to see a therapist because I know noone would want to try to sort out my messed up head. I can say that I love my family too much to commit suicide, but I have contemplated it several times recently. The rational side of me says that my recent feelings of hopelessness, anger, and loneliness are related to a recent change in my medication. The side of me that searched online for someone to listen, understand and care says that if something doesn't improve soon, the rational side of me will disappear and bad things will happen.
I have overwhelming medical issues. Most recently, my knees legs and feet began swelling, becoming stiff, and hurt constantly. That is on top of fibromyalgia, chronic back pain from disc herniations, migraines, a pituitary tumor, asthma, and on and on and on. I see a pain specialist because after seeing 7 doctors, 3 chiropractors, 2 physical therapists, accupuncture, steroid injections amd surgery...noone could pinpoint and cure the exact cause of my back pain. Now, I take pain meds around the clock and have to take pills to help me stay awake. In the last year, I have had 2 car accidents (minor) from dozing at the wheel, and I am aware that this is a tragedy waiting to happen. I could not live with myself if I hurt anyone, I drive my children everywhere...God help me to be safe. The medication I take is of course addictive and although I tried to stop it cold turkey 2 weeks ago after the 2nd fender bender, I have only been able to cut the dosing from every 6 hours to every 8 hours. It is a start, but when I try to take less, I am in absolute misery with pain.
My husband, who I love with all my heart and soul, had been supportive and compassionate for the first several months after the back pain started, but that has dwindled to him only responding by saying "I'm sorry you're having a bad day". I would have to ask to really get anymore from him, in which case it is forced and not by any means heartfelt. He is a good man. He suffers with his own depression (which I blame myself for), Lately, we seem to be distancing so much that it makes me severely anxious and nauseated with fear that a pretty young thing would easily take him away if she desired. He has been my lover and best friend for 20 years and I feel like I am losing him. I miss him. He avoids talking to me most of the time because I am either angry, crying or complaining. Can't really blame him. Lately, we are not really even seeing eye to eye on raising/disciplining our children. That leads me to the second big issue...
My 13 year old son, has become a typical teenager overnight and I can't stand having lost my little boy. He's not sweet or loving anymore. In fact, he is usually mad at me for one thing or another. It breaks my heart into more and more pieces everyday. I will spare you the details of our conflicts, but it always stems from rules. Daddy rarely backs me up during confrontations. He has his moments of frustration with our son, but I am almost always the bad guy. I swear when my son knows his request will be denied, he asks me just so we can argue. Tonight I told him to do whatever he wants if daddy was good with that. I told him to ask his dad for permission to break the rules. Then my husband will have to be engaged, but will somehow come out as the one doing no wrong.
My 8 year old daughter is the closest thing I have to any affection and compassion. She also has her moments which she has learned from watching her brother, but she feels bad right away and apologizes. She too is likely tired of my complaints...now she is starting have complaints. She's mimicing me!!!
I do like what I do in my job, but it is very stressful which only adds to my "beaten and battered" feelling.
My parents will require a story in and of itself. I think they are trying to push me off the deep end. They have their problems, which I try to avoid because...they are never wrong and they are very controlling. Really? My 20 year HS reunion was this year. I think I can do without the parenting at this point.
My friends seem to have their own problems and don't really want to hear about mine. I have parted ways with a group of 3 ladies that turned out to not be the kind of friend I would enjoy.
I could write a book. The bottom line is that I am at the worst downward tumble of my life, and I have no idea what to do. I am just tired of hurting, tired of being tired, and would give anything to make all of these aweful aweful feelings go away. Perhaps writing it down will help and be a therapy session in and of itself. If you are reading this, thank you for bothering to see it through. Please do not respond with anything mean. I really really can't handle it right now. Thank you.
By:
willow6203
Age:
36-40
,
Female
