My Burden Of Despair

15 years down the tube. Thats where I'm at, trying to survive while building a new life for myself and my son, hold down two jobs, pay the bills, not be an emotional drag for my friends and somehow, find someway to not succumb to this overwhelming despair. I was left, rejected, abandoned. My husband, my soulmate moved out and left behind everything about our life that no longer satisfied, taking a few pieces of furniture, half of our son's time and my heart. Seeminly almost immediately he was in a new "committed" relationship with the type of woman I was not. I think of them and how they enjoy their time together of him feeling like "finally he has a woman that makes him want to be a better man" and I feel an abject failure. I couldn't make him happy. I didn't, in the end, maybe I never could.

How do you go on when everything you are, everything you've built over the course of your adult life is deemed insufficient? Why get up the next day when you will only face more of this suffocating sense of inadequacy and agony, not to mention the fear, the inescapable terror that you just aren't capable of taking care of what needs to be done and surviving? You know you're going to fail, that's what you do. The only thing I'm good at seems to be screwing things up, people, finances, my home, relationships, my career.

Its been 8 months, and I keep circling this drain. Where is the exit for this nightmare carnival ride? Is there a way off? Is there hope somewhere down the road? Is my escape waiting in a handful of pills in my dark, empty apartment? Does God hear my cries? Does He hear my helpless wailing for mercy, for relief in any form? If you ever could hear me God, please, please hear me now, I need something, a sign, an inspiration, some hope that this pain will pass. I need some respite. I am desperate and I am afraid that I will do something drastic to stop it.
bmcinnis bmcinnis
36-40, F
5 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Awwwwww! Poor baby.

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. I too have suffered from depression and feelings of failure and hopelessness. I find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one on the planet who feels this way. Have you ever read the desiderata? It's a poem which always seems to lift me when I'm feeling lost. Here's an excerpt: "Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy." I do hope that time heals your pain and that you will once again feel happy, loved and confident. Your words reached out to me and touched my heart, so you ARE worth something.

Hey, you have a son. He loves you, your his mother. It's worth living for your son. No matter what happens he loves you and needs hang on, keep going, things will get mother, screw your ex,.just look after your kid.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have experienced some of the pain you are going through now. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.GOD does hear you.When you are in despair and depression it's hard to see anything good. a new life for you and your son will be the start of something better. I wish you well. Please hold on to the beautiful things in life.

Thank you for your inspiring words. Its always during the darkest hours of the night when I'm alone that the fear and sarrow hit. I figure I'm being challenged to learn two things through this trial. 1) Patience, even with the pain. 2) Focusing on the positive & not becoming overwhelmed by the negative.

At least you manage to work and pay the bills. I live with my parents cause I am unable to work due to some psychosis I have, sometimes I become aggressive and can beat up someone...