Pulling On My Big Girl Panties

Ever since the breakup of my 15 year marriage I have experienced just about every high and low you can imagine. I did rage, denial, I deflected blame, I went out for revenge, I felt despair, loneliness, heart break and every single micro-inch on the spectrum of self-blame and doubt.

I have come very close, to close to the abyss on more than one occasion during this trial. I have personally known people who chose to give up and not continue to fight. Honestly, I come from tough folk and I'm just stubborn enough, and defiant enough to say that type of action isn't the way for me. It’s cowardly. Also, I have a child that I love and want to see grow old, and he loves me. I have something precious to live for in that alone.

Also, in my moments of clarity, like right now, I can look at this journey before me as just that; a journey. I can grow and become something entirely different. I had hope and dreams I set aside when I married as a young girl. There is nothing stopping me now from realizing those dreams. The field isn't wide open & I have no idea what I even like anymore. I'm a grown woman with many responsibilities but I can experiment. I can try.

The point is for months I have made this about Him, about how I failed Him, how I didn't give him what he wanted. How I made him into something he didn't like and he had to leave to break free.

That’s not true at all; in fact that is self-indulgent bullshit. I am responsible for me and me alone. Its time, past time, for me to make this about me.

Easy to say when the bills are hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles. Easy when I'm not a present the third wheel, forever without a date of companion. But I won't borrow trouble. I deal with those hurts when and if they happen.

For today, I'm going to focus on being better, being stronger, laughing as much as possible and loving those who love me.
bmcinnis bmcinnis
36-40, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

good luck.. You'll get there..

Show us your panties please