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Why Should I Bother...

I've given up many times in my life...

When things get too hard... the thing that started this for me was basically my dad never encouraging me or giving me any constructive criticism...

All i got was negativeness and pretty much him saying im fat, ugly and worthless and will never amount to anything... I was told this all my life. and I began to believe it.

Still do.

At first it made me try harder to impress him and do things that i thought would make him proud of me... but no matter how hard i tried and how well i did... he would always find the negative and focus on that completely.... never just a simple "well done... keep going" and it got to the point where i thought to myself... well if im trying hard.. and not getting anywhere at all... why bother? WHY BOTHER?!

so i didnt.

I gave up.

I got tired of trying when it was getting me no where...

now my dad is no longer in my life... but the believes and values that he has given me .... or "hypnotised" me with remain... and so does the problem... now i realize that i have to do what will make me happy...

but I always think... dont be an idiot you know you will never succeed.

LonelyTrail LonelyTrail 18-21, F 5 Responses Feb 14, 2010

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1) There's no such thing as "ugly" 2) Heavyset women are very, very sexy but as a -nerd male- I am -disgusted- by how they treat us 3) You can't possibly have a "give up" story worse than mine-- Nonetheless, best wishes...

Thankyou JoatJackson and Mr.C for your comments... <br />
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well since i was diagnosed with clinical depression... i found out alittle more about my family history... which i never knew about before... whenever people were wondering from which side of the family i was more like... most people said that im more like my grandmother (on my dads side) whenever this was said however, my dad straight away denied it and refused to believe there were any similarities... i often wondered why he was so adamant about this.<br />
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When i was diagnosed.. the doctor asked me and my mother who was with me at the time if there was any family history of depression or any mental illness... i straight away said no because i didnt think/know there was. My mother said " Actually a Grandmother had some type of mental illness we think but we're not sure what it was." I was shocked! as we went back to the car I had all these questions... "why didnt you tell me?" "what was wrong with her?" "what happened?"<br />
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We dont know what illness my grandmother had.. because my grandad didnt want anyone to know anything about her... but from my mothers description... my grandma used to be like me... she used to love to sing and was happy and sociable and a joy to be around... then things changed... and she became... "lifeless" as my mum put it.<br />
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I met her once in my life... i was around 4 i think... I dont really remember much at all. I remember she was very kind and was very happy to have a grand-daugther after my two brothers. shortly after we left the country she committed suicide and jumped off the 5th floor of the building.<br />
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I am in tears as my mum is telling me this... I remember thinking at the time... that i was thinking suicide thoughts too... maybe we really are the same... maybe i really should die.<br />
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I also heard many more stories about my granddad who i loved dearly and who i believe loved me back! apparently he was rude and abusive to my grandmother... a lot like my dad was to me and my mother... I know understand where my father must have learnt these habits...<br />
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I know understand my father had a hard life... and also a sad one... i do not excuse him for what he has done to my family and how inappropriate he always was during social gatherings. however i now understand. I realize this was the best he could do with the knowledge he had. I used to look up to him.. but ever since around 2008 I no longer did... <br />
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oh and Mr.C my parents smoke too.. for most of their lives. me and my brothers do not... and we hate the sight and smell of smoke. : )<br />
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I can be understanding.... but i think forgiving still needs to be done.

Though my own father wasn't exactly as actively unsupportive of me as your father is of you, my father still offered me no encouragement and vary rarely acted in a "fatherly" manner (i.e., throwing a baseball in the front yard with us--I have 2 younger brothers & 2 younger sisters). I held contempt & even--God help me--hatred for him for so long. As an adult, I look back and I see that my father did the best he could with the cards life had dealt him. He worked nearly every single day of his life because he had grown up in the Appalachian mountains & had very little formal education.<br />
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When I was a kid, I couldn't see & understand that. I just knew that the man I knew as my "father" was never a "dad", and it hurt deep inside. As his son, I had a right to expect my father to love me & be interested in my life, so I know that my brothers & sisters and I weren't asking too much in wanting him to be more than just the person who paid the rent each month. <br />
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With time, and his eventual death from the effects of untreated hypertension, my view of my father changed. As his last months of life became so painful for him and as we all watched as he died before our very eyes, I found it more & more difficult to hate this man who had no idea how to be a "Dad". He was sick & he was suffering, and during a time in his life when he should have been able to take it easy & enjoy his "golden years", he could find no peace at all in his life.<br />
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All the anger & hurt I had collected as a child had become such an unbelievable burden for me. My hatred for him hurt me so much more than it hurt him, and by the time he had become sick, my heart wouldn't allow me to hold on to a past that I couldn't change anyway. I finally came to understand that I had no choice but to forgive my father for what he couldn't be for his kids. Just to be clear, I forgave my father because I didn't want to hate him anymore and I didn't want to use even one moment longer of my life's energy holding a grudge that was just sapping the life out of ME. <br />
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I forgave my father, but I didn't excuse the hurt he had caused me & my siblings. It may sound like a contradiction in terms, but--for me--forgiveness means letting go of wrongs & hurts you have had perpetrated against you; excusing--to my understanding--indicates there was a good reason for a wrong. To this day, I am at peace with the relationship I had with my father because I know he did the best he could with what he knew at the time; I also am comfortable with saying that I can never excuse what he did (and didn't do) as the father of 5 kids, who had every right to have a DAD in their lives and not just a father...if that makes sense.<br />
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I write all this not to excuse what YOUR father has obviously not been able to provide you, as his daughter. Like me & my siblings, you have EVERY right to expect more from the person who should be the #1 male figure in your life & who should be your protector and your comforter, and--odd as it might sound--your cheerleader.<br />
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I can't tell you to forget all the hurts he has caused you. No one can. Only YOU will know if/when you are able to do that. I CAN tell you that, some day and somehow, you will need to come to the same place in your life that I eventually came to in mine: a place where you decide that--like everyone else--your father is imperfect, and he has most certainly "short-changed" you. Holding that in, and seething over it inside only damages YOU, and every moment you allow that negative energy to flow through your life is another moment that he has the power to continue to hurt you. You won't get to that place in your life where you're ready to give all of that up even one second before you're really, truly ready, but it is my hope that you will come to see & understand the words I've written here, and how forgiveness--as they say--is a gift you give yourself. <br />
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In forgiving, you don't have to treat him like he's Father Of The Year, and you don't have to pretend like his lack of support didn't hurt or that it never happened. You may never have the "typical" father-daughter relationship, but you can have a little more peace in your life in knowing that it's not about a past you can never change, no matter how much you may want to, it's about how you find your way forward in your life with as few burdens & as few albatrosses around your neck as possible.<br />
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We can ALL use our parents or parent-figures as role models. Sometimes they are positive role models; sometimes negative role models. In my case, my parents both have smoked all their lives and my father's smoking cause his high blood pressure, and he had no health insurance, so he didn't get the treatment he needed until it was too late. My mother smokes now, even though she has emphysema. Smoking will take her life, too. I don't write those words easily, because my mother has worked hard all her life raising her kids AND her grandkids. She deserves a better fate, but smoking has already sealed her fate, unfortunately.<br />
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Because of my parents, I have never smoked one day in my life. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. Unfortunately, my younger siblings all smoke. I'm the only "odd ball" (in more than one way). My parents became negative role models for me, where smoking is concerned, but because of them, I have probably the cleanest lungs of anyone I know! :-)<br />
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So, I know it's hard to overcome the fact that you have a father that hasn't been what you've needed him to be, and I know that you will never forget all the bad things he's said about you & his general unsupportiveness, but I know--just from the short time I've known you here--that you are so much more than he realizes...so much more than YOU even realize!<br />
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He is your father, and it's hard to ignore all he's never done for you and all the hurt he has caused you, but he is like all the rest of us: imperfect, and WRONG, WRONG, WRONG in at least SOME of his opinions...like his obvious opinion of you!<br />
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It won't be easy, LT, but it's not your father who controls your fate, my friend, it's YOU!<br />
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Fight hard & love yourself, even if the whole world gives you a million reasons why you shouldn't!<br />
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Stay you no matter what.<br />
<br />
Your pal,<br />
<br />
Me :-)

well i've been depressed for almost 3 years now.. im getting tired of it as it is! lol but yeah... its hard.. because i think oh i would love to do that but i cant cos i dont have the money etc

my dads exactly the same, and you will never succeed if your chasing something you dont want to sub-consciously impress your father, eugh i sound like freud... anyway maybe your at a stage to question what you really want in life, i did this, just imagine yourself old and on your death bed, and what is it you want to be looking back on or have with you as you leave this world? before that, take a week or even a month to be as depressed and hopeless as possible, force it upon yourself, this way you will be so sick and tired of feeling down that youll will have your goals more firmly set