It's Not In My Head, It's In The Mirror.

I have been using EP as a place to pound out my insecurities, neurosis, and negativity. I am not like this in my real life. I am not self-defeating or unhappy. I don't highlight my insecurities about myself for the world to see. If you were to ask the people around me, they would tell you that I am the happiest, most well adjusted, confident person they know. So I would never even broach this subject with my family or friends. No one wants to spend a lot of time around someone with a crappy outlook on life, and I believe happiness is a choice - so most days, I choose to be happy.

I am ugly. I have wrote this on EP before, trying to work through my insecurities about my appearance. The responses are always kind, but they're always the same.

-You have low self esteem.
-Being attractive is about being confident. If you think you're beautiful, other people will too.
-Looks don't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts

These things are probably true for most people. People of average or slightly below average appearance who don't like the way they look and wish to be beautiful. I, on the other hand, would kill to be "of-average-appearance". I fake confidence in real life. No one around me has any idea I am THIS insecure about how I look. They also probably don't think I KNOW that I am as ugly as I am. I dress well, wear make-up, hold my head high and try not to think about it. In fact, I have never looked anyone in the face and told them, "I think I'm ugly" or "I don't like the way I look". Not even my closest friends. Because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I don't point out my flaws because I don't want people focusing on them. I never say anything about the way I look at all, except occasionally asking "is this shirt okay?"

I am ugly. It's not low self esteem. It's not a lack of confidence. And looks DO matter. I am not the most confident person in the world nor do I have the best self-esteem. But, I don't think I am ugly because I have poor self esteem and confidence. I have poor self esteem and low confidence, because I am ugly.

It's not like I think I am ugly because I have a big nose. Or fat thighs. Or weird eyebrows. Or stretch marks. Or terrible skin. Or less than perky boobs. I have ALL of these things… and more. If I were to take an inventory from head to toe; which I am not going to do because it would probably make me want to kill myself, but if I were: I don't think there would be one single square inch of me that I wouldn't change.

And, I am not comparing myself to some ridiculous magazine ideal. I don't think women need to be perfect to be beautiful, or anywhere near perfect. I love interesting faces more than classically beautiful ones.

How do women know they are pretty? People tell them so. From the time they are children, even their parents tell them "you are beautiful". I don't remember either of my parents saying that to me, ever. In fact, I don't think ANYONE has ever told me I was beautiful, or pretty, or even "interesting-looking". Now, my parents weren't cruel, they never said "you are ugly," but it was delicately suggested from time to time. And, they weren't shy with compliments - I can't count how many times they told me how smart I was.

I used to have this just-a-friend guy used to call me "gorgeous" all the time. "Hey gorgeous," or "how are you today, gorgeous". At first, I thought it was flattering - silly - but flattering. And, I certainly wasn't going to correct him or disagree. I thought, maybe there is finally a guy who likes the way I look - awesome! Maybe I've started to grow into my looks? That was, until I started realizing he had nicknames for all of his friends. The goofy guy who was 6ft, 6inches tall was "Shorty". The not-so-bright air head was "Einstein". The beautiful model-like blonde who's goods were always on display was "Uggo"…. Stopped feeling so nice after I came to that realization.

I'm not crazy or a victim of self-loathing. I don't have some kind of body dysmorphic disorder. It's not low self-esteem. I am simply - ugly. I have accepted this, it's part of who I am. I have been ugly my entire life. I don't let people treat me like crap because of it. I don't think I deserve less in life than the pretty people. Honestly, for most of my life, I managed to convince myself that it didn't even matter at all. That if people were going to judge me based on my looks, I didn't want someone that superficial around me anyway. I don't think I'm ugly on the inside. In fact, I think my appearance has probably made me more kind and accepting and less-judgmental than the average person. It's not in my head - it's in the mirror.

But, as I get closer and closer to 30… it's becoming harder to put a smile on my face and hold my head high. People don't bother asking me why I'm still single. It's strange how confident I was as a teenager - I thought those were supposed to be your insecure years. But, I also thought that by the time I got to this age - looks really wouldn't matter so much anymore. That my peers would grow up, that people would care more about what's inside than out… they don't, not really.

Men don't want to date ugly women. They certainly don't want to marry ugly women. Even ugly men don't want ugly women. They will sleep with ugly women… but, they won't call them the next day. They also seem to assume more as I get older, that I'm ugly - so I'm easy. That I can't do any better, so they can treat me like dirt. It doesn't really work that way for me, though. I don't care how ugly I am - I won't settle for anyone in my life who thinks they can treat me like crap because of it. Even if that mean I die alone in a house full of cats.
Athingwithfeathers Athingwithfeathers
26-30, F
Apr 21, 2012