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I Am So Ugly

Ugly Weaves Throughout My Life

By: lilylilyrose
Written on January 31st, 2013
Trying to decide where to post my story and realized that ugliness is always there- other problem rise up then lessen, but being ugly remains. I was sexually abused as a child by my mother- led to believe it was because I was ugly and no man would want me. I did find a man to love me, but was infertile- once gain, less a person- ugly and infertile. I developed agoraphobia and PTSD and just started retreating from the world. I got divorced. Now I am 60, still isolated and afraid to seek companionship because of the pervasive ugliness. I have a couple of friends- and wonder, how can they stand to look at me? I try to ignore it, but sometime feel like someone is playing a sick joke on me when I look in the mirror. At work, we have to have ID pictures taken- I feel so much shame on that day- like all of what's wrong with me (the sexual abuse etc) can be seen on the outside in my ugliness. "Ugly girls deserve sexual abuse"- somewhere I learned that. Why am I writing? I so much need to connect with just one person. Thanks for listening.
By: lilylilyrose
Age: 56-60 , Female
183 people have read this story

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10 responses
  • IMPogueMahone
    IMPogueMahone

    Your story broke my heart.I felt like crying when I read it. I understand how you feel and I hate having photos taken of myself as well because I am ugly too and I hate the way I look. I want to destroy myself and I hate looking in the mirror. I always wonder too,"What did I ever do to deserve being so ugly?"

    Apr 25
    1 like
    • lilylilyrose
      lilylilyrose

      I feel exactly like that- I'm a good person, I care about people. I work hard. What did I do to deserve this? Have you noticed that there's a certain type of man who looks quickly at you, then right away? Some men can't handle ugly women, some men are okay. I hate that feeling though when they do that. and I wonder how my freinds cant stand to look at me- or be around me.....

      Apr 25
      1 like
  • lelehime
    lelehime

    Lilyrose, you are beautiful. You know how I know? You responded to my post in domestic violence and tried to genuinely help me. I understand how you feel, my abusive husband will tell me how ugly I am, how I look like a mutt, rat, and a troll. I don't feel pretty either; but you know what? You made me feel beautiful and strong with your words. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are WISE. You CARE. And SO DO I. About YOU!

    Feb 9
    2 likes
    • lilylilyrose
      lilylilyrose

      That means so much to me. More than you will ever know.....

      Feb 9
      1 like
  • Medril33
    Medril33

    no one is ugly in this world , we all shine differently . I can tell just by what you wrote you have a big heart and deserve to be loved and cared for . No one on this earth ever should be ashamed of themselves , society puts a huge pressure on individuals whith no self-esteem . Most people judge with their own opinions and beleifs , who are they to judge ! That being said please dont feel ugly , your shinning bright inside . Now you have to let it shine on the out !

    Feb 5
    1 like
    • lilylilyrose
      lilylilyrose

      Thank you for the kind and supportive reply- you are very appreciated

      Feb 6
      1 like
  • naughtyguyfrompluto
    naughtyguyfrompluto

    I am half your age so definitely have no advice for u, but thanks for the story. I also read your story in 'I am lonely' group. I do feel for u

    Feb 2
    1 like
    • lilylilyrose
      lilylilyrose

      Thank you, asad1989, that means a lot. Best wishes to you....

      Feb 2
      1 like
  • newsoulawakening2
    newsoulawakening2

    Its very tough to not let your past infect your future. I often feel hideous, but realize its just due to harassment I received at a younger age. The best cure I have found is to improve on my own looks as best I can through dressing nicely, wearing makeup & staying in shape. Other people don't think I'm ugly - its just in my own head, because of years of conditioning from evil people. Its hard to get past, and always haunting...but you basically need to do what you can to look better & accept you (and love you) for who you are.

    Jan 31
    1 like
    • lilylilyrose
      lilylilyrose

      Thank you so much. Is that a dollfie as your avatar? I am a bjd lover. Helps with the loneliness.

      Jan 31
      1 like