Searching But Not Quite Finding....inner Peace

I am 28 years old. I have a great job, it's not too much stress, it pays pretty good, and the people I work with are pretty much great. I have a husband who loves me, although he's not a great provider he has a kind heart and is an amazing father.
My daughter brings me so much joy when I allow myself to feel it. She's wonderful and beautiful and a lot of fun. My mom lives nearby and showers me with love, encouragement and support. I have a roof over my head (a small one, but still) and food on the table.
When I'm feeling down, feeling like I don't want to deal with anything, I try and tell myself how wonderful I have it. My life is great, what more could I want? Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Why after a weekend at home do I find myself apprehensive about the coming week? (it's not the job, b/c the job is really not that bad)
Why can't I be happy with the situation that I'm in? It's not my life that is the problem, so it must be me. The only answer I keep coming to is that I'm actually unhappy with myself. I want to escape life not because it's horrible, but because it's beautiful and I am an ugly blemish on it's beauty. I am disgusted with who I am and with the show I seem to be putting on for everyone. Everyone around me tells me how amazing I am, but I know I'm not. I feel guilty for letting them believe this about me. I am SO pathetic, and nobody really gets it. Nobody truly understands how selfish and lazy and pathetic I am. And I just keep running from them. But I think I'm really just running from me. I want to love myself. I can't remember if I've ever loved myself.
InSearchOfMyself InSearchOfMyself
26-30
2 Responses May 22, 2012

Please do not hate yourself for any reason. Whatever uncommon things have happened in your life were not in your control. It sounds like you are carrying so many things in your heart that you never shared to anybody or even if you tried to , they did not understand you. Just think that there are things that we do not have control over. Let it go, let your mind and heart free from it. Love yourself so that others will love you too.

You have something that you haven't told anyone about and it kills you that you can't do it because you believe that it would turn everyone's world upside down. You're scared to reveal it because it has been with you for so long you're not even sure if it's a big deal anymore. I assure you that no matter what it is, it is important that you deal with it because like you said you are not really happy. Something is keeping you from not feeling happiness, its not something that you are going through because you're some kind of a weak person. This thing that you are keeping must be dealt with, try a therapist, they won't judge you because you're paying them to listen to you. You might think only pathetic people would pay to be listened, but you are not, something ****** you up and you need help to deal with it properly, what happened/happening to you is pathetic but you are not. You are now a grown up person, you are not a kid who doesnt know how to voice herself and doesnt know how to get help. Of course it'll be scary at first but just think that at least now you are trying. What is the worst that could happen? You are already unhappy there's nothing worse than that.