I Am So Unhappy
I am 28 years old. I have a great job, it's not too much stress, it pays pretty good, and the people I work with are pretty much great. I have a husband who loves me, although he's not a great provider he has a kind heart and is an amazing father.
My daughter brings me so much joy when I allow myself to feel it. She's wonderful and beautiful and a lot of fun. My mom lives nearby and showers me with love, encouragement and support. I have a roof over my head (a small one, but still) and food on the table.
When I'm feeling down, feeling like I don't want to deal with anything, I try and tell myself how wonderful I have it. My life is great, what more could I want? Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Why after a weekend at home do I find myself apprehensive about the coming week? (it's not the job, b/c the job is really not that bad)
Why can't I be happy with the situation that I'm in? It's not my life that is the problem, so it must be me. The only answer I keep coming to is that I'm actually unhappy with myself. I want to escape life not because it's horrible, but because it's beautiful and I am an ugly blemish on it's beauty. I am disgusted with who I am and with the show I seem to be putting on for everyone. Everyone around me tells me how amazing I am, but I know I'm not. I feel guilty for letting them believe this about me. I am SO pathetic, and nobody really gets it. Nobody truly understands how selfish and lazy and pathetic I am. And I just keep running from them. But I think I'm really just running from me. I want to love myself. I can't remember if I've ever loved myself.
My daughter brings me so much joy when I allow myself to feel it. She's wonderful and beautiful and a lot of fun. My mom lives nearby and showers me with love, encouragement and support. I have a roof over my head (a small one, but still) and food on the table.
When I'm feeling down, feeling like I don't want to deal with anything, I try and tell myself how wonderful I have it. My life is great, what more could I want? Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Why after a weekend at home do I find myself apprehensive about the coming week? (it's not the job, b/c the job is really not that bad)
Why can't I be happy with the situation that I'm in? It's not my life that is the problem, so it must be me. The only answer I keep coming to is that I'm actually unhappy with myself. I want to escape life not because it's horrible, but because it's beautiful and I am an ugly blemish on it's beauty. I am disgusted with who I am and with the show I seem to be putting on for everyone. Everyone around me tells me how amazing I am, but I know I'm not. I feel guilty for letting them believe this about me. I am SO pathetic, and nobody really gets it. Nobody truly understands how selfish and lazy and pathetic I am. And I just keep running from them. But I think I'm really just running from me. I want to love myself. I can't remember if I've ever loved myself.
By:
InSearchOfMyself
Age:
26-30
