Can I Possibly Be More Of A Spaz?

It's no wonder I have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder), which I cannot get rid of. I hate being in social situations, and I hate being me. When I was in school (elementary through high school), I had only one friend. I was teased by all the popular kids, and there were a few teachers, mostly in middle school that would openly laugh at me, or tease me so the popular kids would laugh at me. 

I hated being called on in class, because I couldn't say the answer without blushing BRIGHT red, which would make everyone laugh. If I didn't know the answer that was even worse. 

I think back on those times, I was never invited to a party, or any kind of outing with other teens. I always spent my birthday alone, and here I am 50 years old and things have not changed. But I have changed! I still have problems socially, I will not go anywhere unless I have to, and when I go out I pretend to be someone else. I will not eat in front of anyone unless I know them very well (family), and sometimes when I am at work and my boss asks me a question I give him a blank stare, not because I don't know the answer, but because I tense up, scared that I will look like an idiot. The problem is I DO look like an idiot, because I blush and stumble over my words. 

I find solace in books, the love of my husband, my cats, my child and Kurt. Kurt felt a lot like I do, he died though. At 27 things still seemed so painful, but at 50 I have learned to deal with it.  I have learned to be myself...grungy, silly, nutty and I allow myself to be depressed when I need to be. 


cwh420 cwh420
46-50, F
4 Responses Jul 10, 2010

This awkwardness, you speak of... I feel ya! Totally feel weird in public. Hate cameras, hate stares, hate the false cares I impose like.its my choice to feel uncomfortable. I was walking the other night with my boy, and we are on our way into a bar and this couple is taking foto, I literally coward away hiding behind this wall (him) staring at all the flowers driving by.. he looks at me and says."Nigga! You aint some celeberty "! Ain't no one trying to capture your soul"! The funny thing is that's exactly how I feel . Not the celeberty aspect but like the whole moment in time kept like I would be trapped. Encapsulated in the negative ProEx changing me forever. All the while panicking.. do I have a booger ..lol. and that's before the publication speaking engagement of ordering dinner. ***! I thought. I'11 never make it out of this alice..... I mean Alive...see!

i like that whole depressed when u need to be comment my dad is always like get over this u shouldnt feel this way but hes not me so yea good choice of words.

Hey, I'm 20 and was diagnosed with that last year. I went th4rough similar stuff, esp in high school. Some days I had panic attacks when my mom bought me to school, and last year my phys gave me paxil which helped because my serotoinin level was low. You inspire me when you mention kids and a husband because for me I think that would've been impossible, esp beacuse I have trouble looking people in the eye. Keep hanging on in there and its not late to see a phys. They can really help. Love, Empathetic Bella.

Not everyone turns out to be the perfect social butterfly, but that's okay and good on you for getting through and making peace. Being nutty is just fine really :P Although at times, it does feel as though everyone expects you to be outgoing and socially able in order to survive. I too am a blusher and a word stumbler :S<br />
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Thanks for sharing.