I Just Wanna Be Me.

I was told by my professor that I was "erratic."  I was told by a thought-to-be good friend that I talked to much and dominated the conversation, and that she felt I was insincere and all over the place.

Yes.  I am weird.  I spaz a lot.

I always lighten the mood by making funny voices, jokes and laughing at myself with others.  For the most part, I don't feel too bad.  I'm a little comedian.

This friend situation though--has been driving me up the freaking wall with worry!  I'm practically resentful to her criticisms that were rude and made nearly 4 years into our friendship.  If only she could have made the point to tell me sooner. 

The problem is that if I say "sorry, I'm just a bit socially awkward" to someone, they roll their eyes or pull away and avoid me.  People have really hurt me in the past by pulling away inexplicably.  Is it the lack of a filter?  Probably.  I tend to tell people exactly what I think about them.  I'd expect the same in return...and trust me..I know I'm weird..but NEVER have I ever been told it was a bad thing!

How can I explain to someone that I lived an isolated childhood, my mother was way too wackadoodle and it affected my growth, and all the other crap that affects us as dis functional human beings without relating the story?  Just saying---"Yeah, I'm socially awkward" to someone doesn't work!  They don't usually know the scope of the problem.  Then I run the risk of people saying I am victimizing myself--which unfortunately is always going to follow me because sad stories told by victims is just kinda viewed that way by incredulous, judgmental people. 

I don't feel I need to change for the sake of seeking somebody elses approval.  I can modify my behavior for strangers, but I really need people I call friends to understand who I really am as a person.  I'm not acting!  I'm really a big, goofy dork that talks too much when I'm nervous!  FYI I get nervous when nobody else talks.  I always feel people are always processing the stuff I say but people rarely respond.  What the heck?  That's why I stick to jokes.  Laughter is better sounding to me than silence.  

Is it wrong?  Seriously?  Is it really wrong of me to love myself??  There is a sea of people in this world that think there is something wrong with them, and in my heart, I just feel that I won't allow that depression I would feel in high school follow me for the rest of my life.  I'm kinda awesome.

It's a lonely kind of life this...and what's funny is that if anyone in real life knew this about me..they wouldn't believe it. 

moshimoshi moshimoshi
31-35, F
5 Responses Jul 10, 2010

Oh I believe you're Kinda Awesome.. lol. Ok Way Awesome. SHYT kid! You're suffering from AWESOMENESS! I learned this term from this magic Maxamillion dude, he since has disappeared (wizard Camp) I believe. Anyways this Potter surely hit the nail right in the dead end squared. It sux your suffering socially. I always struggled here and have been accused of being Grandiose. I immediately direct the term and came up with another question. If Grandiosity is the false perception of being greater than.. What is it when you know you're better than?!?!! Lol. Awesomeness!

yea im just like u i talk too damn much when im nervous of try to be funny. sometimes i feel i have verbal diarehha lol but then when my nervousness dies down like when im a class of something and i stop talking or being funny i feel like people are thinking where in the hell did that crazy funny girl go to that we met the first day of class now shes just shy and doesnt say anything lol

I have to say, I love the way you think. I don't really have any friends right now, but I imagine that if such a situation came upon me, my first thought would be: 'what took you so long to get that out?'<br />
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Having a nice, easily-recognized, openly accepted umbrella term for social awkwardness would be nice too. <br />
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Personally, I don't see anything wrong at all.

I applaud you for being yourself and for being happy with yourself.. most people don't even know who they are let alone like themselves... i don't feel that I would want to change who I was because of a friend's comments, although the comments may hurt me especially 4 years into the friendship.. but who knows maybe the friend was having an awkward social moment of their own .. friendships are hard, I find, and require a lot of room for growth and forgiveness. I dunno, I don't collect friends in real life.. I have two very close friends and Im sure they have things that bother them about me and the same is true the other way around.. but like I tell my kids... you have to accept your friends for who they are not who you want them to be.. good luck with this.. it is very well written btw

I think how people take you as a whole is determined in the end by how you react to them, not just how you are. Being a bit 'socially awkward' might be completely compensated if you are also a good listener when it counts, and show an interest in other people and what is going on for them. If you are good at that, all sorts of reckless exuberance can be forgiven :)