Because Of You, Mom.

I'm having some major problems in my life, and they all have to do with my relationships with people. I don't have the best social skills, and this has led to problems with my mother and my ex boyfriend.

I think it all started out when I was little. I am an only child, was homeschooled for preschool and was mostly around my mom since my dad had to work so often. Just a bit of background on my mom, she's a very stubborn person who takes things seriously and personally, holds grudges, gets angry easily and never wants to admit her mistakes. I always felt like my mom shouldn't have become a mother because she's so impatient. She would get angry at the little things that children don't mean, such as when I would throw temper tantrums. Later on, she would get angry at the little mistakes I would make as child. This had devistating effects.
I soon began to feel like I could never make her proud of me, and I started to feel badly about myself. I felt like I was inferior and that other people wouldn't like me, so I became self-concious and embarrassed about who I was. (At the time, it wasn't clear what I was feeling exactly since I was only 5, but now I understand what they were) When I started school, these feelings got worse. I wouldn't talk or interact with anyone, for fear that they wouldn't like me. My mom forced me to make friends, but that wasn't exactly easy because I didn't know how to interact with people my own age. This lack of social skills embarrassed me too, and my self-conciousness grew.
As time went on, my relationship with my mother got worse. She would continue to get angry over little things, and we'd fight. I'd only make up because I felt bad for fighting with her, and I missed her company. This was a vicious cycle that just kept continuing. When my dad lost his job when I was 9, my mom got stressed and started taking her stress out on me in the form of verbal abuse, which didn't exactly help my confidence. I eventually made friends (who knows how that happened) and became a bit more confident as I got older and more independent.
I finally had my first boyfriend this time last year. I was happier than I had been in a very long time. He made my days a lot more happier, and I always had something to look forward to,-talking to him everyday. As I built up this relationship, I put the relationship with my mother on the back burner. We went out for 7 months until one day in May when he told me that he felt that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Because I didn't know how to interact with people, my relationship failed; I wasn't exposing all of my personality the whole time in the relationship because I was so nervous that he wouldn't like who I was, and that contributed to the failure. Why did this happen? Because of my mother.
When I told her that we broke up, she wasn't much help. I was a wreck for weeks, and I still cannot get over him. Because I'm usually by myself, I'm a clingy person, so I just cannot shake these feelings. I miss him and I feel like our breakup was a mistake. It makes me feel like I was imperfect, so he broke up with me. I just really don't think much of myself. I'm afraid to be in another relationship because I don't want to go through the pain again. This is ruining my love life.
We went on vacation to Boston and Maryland this past week, and the whole time, she treated my father like he was a personal servant, and me like I was some hitchhiker that she forgot to kick out of the car. I was digusted with her behavior toward my father, because he works hard to make money and make sure that we're happy. She didn't even consider the fact that I'm still grieving from my failed relationship, or my father's hard work. I'm done with trying to reconcile our relationship because she obviously doesn't care about me, and it's not worth it. She's not making me a better person, she's actually detrimental to my health.
Because of her, I can't have a normal relationship with anyone, I'm not confindent, and therefore, I have no motivation to do anything in life. But it's not that easy to just end a relationship with my boyfriend of 7 months, letalone my mother of 18 years. I'm an idealist, and optimist. Part of me thinks that one day, she'll be the mother that I used to run to at the end of the school day when I was in Kindergarten, and give hugs to. But the other part of me knows that 's never going to happen
xihearthe80sx xihearthe80sx
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 11, 2010

u have to let her go my mother is like this too i know its easier siad than done but u either have to distance urself from her abuse or u will try to find people in ur life like her " the emotionally unavaliable takers" and i think ur a giver like ur dad u have the givers and the takers. and the takers will always be takers and they will never change. we can always hope and pray but it will never happen and u have to realize that now and move on or one day u will end up with a man like ur mother who treats u like **** and then the cycle will just keep going. until u and only u decide that u dont ahve to take anymore and u end it. i hope this helps.