Hope And Fail.

I'm socially awkward, and pretty much always have been.

Well, maybe except in my earlier days. I remember those days, when I still lived in Toronto. I went to school with my older cousin in kindergarten and first grade, and everything was perfect. In fact I was quite sociable and made a lot of friends. I was more talkative than my cousin, who is now a social butterfly. And me? It seems I've fallen quite behind.

Then we moved and my new school was absolutely horrendous. I suffered through five lonely years and dealt with severe bullying, backstabs, and gossip. I had literally no friends. No one wanted to hang out with me because I had a terrible reputation, and wasn't especially fun to talk to thanks to shyness. Which I developed because everyone treated me so poorly. By this point I had developed an extremely cynical mind while normal kids were out playing and enjoying life to the fullest.

Finally I transferred schools and actually made friends! Nevertheless, I couldn't become more than friends because of my shyness. At least no one bullied me anymore. Still I felt very lonely. I asked myself: What's wrong with me? Why is it that whenever I become friends with someone, our relationship is stuck at a standstill, or they move on to someone more giddy, cheerful, loud? Does the quiet girl never win, ever?

Now I'm in high school, going into grade 11. Even though social anxiety is still a struggle in my life, I feel it improves every year. But it's moving at a ******* snail pace. My social life is absolute crap. Yesterday I went to a party and it was horrible. I felt so isolated from everyone else because they're all friends and I'm sort of the outlier. I had a few friends there but I'm not really close to any of them so even though we talked I still felt extremely out of place and therefore, the conversations struggled for me.

Maybe I shouldn't be playing the blame game, but my circumstances are just so depressing. There could have been so much in store for me, but those kids in elementary school have just killed my confidence. And I feel my parents have contributed to that as well. Is it a coincidence that both my sister and I are shy? I doubt it. My mother has always put demeaning thoughts in my mind, and still does. A few days ago she got raging angry at me (not uncommon), and said something that hurt me so much: "Your attitude is disgusting. No wonder you had no friends in elementary school, and I'm not surprised you have no friends now." And all I did was refuse to go with her to pick up my sister.

I absolutely cannot stand my social awkwardness anymore. Especially since what happened yesterday; I've never felt so hopeless in a long time. I had been looking forward to all the things that would happen, and had hoped that maybe, just maybe, I would finally pull through and make it an event to remember. Oh it sure was an event to remember...and shudder. This always happens to me. I have visions of people being interested in me and wanting to talk while I dazzle them with my poetic words. And when the time comes, I fall flat on my face.

One good thing to come out of this, is that I've been able to nurture and form a personality that's uniquely me. I guess my tastes are very odd to the average person my age, but I'm proud of them. It just sucks that I have no one to share it with. Trust me, I've tried and all I've gotten are slow nods with eyes widened.
mistakenidentities mistakenidentities
13-15, F
6 Responses Jul 31, 2010

Respect to you for opening up. Your final words are inspiring. Have you ever considered writing as a career? I also agree with the comments on the way you write your story-introspective and analytical. That is how my brain works, how it figures out the universe. I'm 30 this year (male) and still go through the same thing as you.<br />
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I often think I'm nuts or losing the plot because of my social anxiety, but I try to fight it. I was bullied wicked in school and it screwed me up for years. I was a loner. I work in a pub now as a bartender so I have no choice but to face up to people, very rarely people are horrible and I have a lot of friends and people who look out for me.The truth is we are a by-product of our upbringing, childhood experiences, and the society we live in. It moulds us, and continues to do so through life. You have to grow with it and treat each day as a new lesson. If I have learned one thing on this site, as I have in life so far- none of us are the same, yet none of us are different

i cant belive it this explains me like exactly well at least i know im not alone now i wish people like us could meet and become friends that would make life easy because we would both understand eachother :)

I completely understand, I've been where you are. I still don't have all that many friends but today that is what I have chosen. Things can change, I promise! One advise I have is to try and meet different kind of people so you can meet the kind of people that matches you. Not necessarily those who are like you, but those who can accept you. I found my some of my best (and most strange) friends in the strangest places. One moved to the house next to me; she was smoking when I hadn't even tasted alcohol, she wore black eyeliner when I couldn't even apply mascara, she had face piercings when I hadn't even pierced my ears, she was confident in herself when I was most certainly not - but she accepted me for me. I've not met her regularly for some time but I still consider her my friend!

im in a very similar place to u, <br />
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keep strong <br />
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This is a well written story :-) I agree with Semisane, you're introspective & analytical style is quite good.<br />
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And who you are is nothing to be ashamed of :-) Au contraire, I think it should be celebrated. <br />
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I've been - & in many ways still am - in the place you're in right now.

I like the way you write, you're quite introspective and you analize yourself very well just like i do, maybe even a little too well ;-). I can tell you are clever too, but just realizing your true situation is only half the battle won, the other half is belief. You need to believe you can do what you set out to do, believe in yourself, b'coz if you don't believe that you can achieve something, to even have a little piece of whatever you're after, you won't have the motivation to even take a step towards that goal.