No Friends At Forty

I have always been socially awkward, and have felt very uncomfortable around social events.  I remember as a child hiding in a corner, until someone called me out.  At that time, I really only felt okay around my mother, and I suppose that was just because of the parent-child experience.  I was particularly uncomfortable with men, and would avoid men if possible.

When I went to college, I "came out" of the closet, and I thought this was the answer to all my problems.  Wrong!  I met new people in college and it was still the same painful experience of not really feeling understood, not really feeling a part of the group.  I found that the only way I could have friendships was to have sex with someone, and build a friendship based on that. 

At one point, I decided that I didn't want to really live in a homosexual lifestyle, and had made new acquaintances.  Again, even with people with shared values and experiences, there was this lonliness that I felt.  I would often talk to homeless people on the street.  This was my social interaction, which was not very fulfilling, but sometimes interesting.

Anyway, in 2007, my one good friend died.  In my grief, I found myself turning to men in an emotional and not just sexual way.  I entered into a domestic partnership, and now I have no friends of my own, with my only social contacts being my domestic partner's friends.  Most of his friends have known him for 10 -- 20 years, and it is hard to "compete" with that.
 
I find being with family awkward and being around other people, except for my domestic partner.  Now my neice and nephews have grown up, and don't have the escape of being able to "play with the kids" to avoid socializing. 

Mattheus Mattheus
36-40, M
Jul 31, 2010