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Yup, That's Me

I used to be really socially awkward but it has gotten better over the years. My parents are really bad in showing their affections. As a result, I became more and more introverted. I couldn't talk to people who know I"m introverted. I get too nervous and say the wrong things. I get unmotivated and just want to run out of there but my circumstances don't permit me to. So I just stay quiet. Most of the time, I fall into a trance that makes me feel empty and sad, blank. In this trance, I listen attentively to others' conversations, remember names well but I just can't talk. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted all interactions to end. I only focus on what I used to focus on and want fall into a habit.where everything is in order. Then things won't get worse than what it was. I used to think that I burden people by associating myself with them so I don't associate unless absolutely necessary.

I don't want to open up to parents and most of acquaintances. I lost faith in others and didn't want to love anymore. I don't want to put faith into someone who will leave. People misinterpret my actions all the time. Most of time, I wasn't even thinking. I had a brain but I don't use it on anything else except studying and jobs. I always had a really depressed look on my face that someone said was "like your father died"

But there are few I opened up to. Some childhood friends that I knew when I was clumsy and active. During that time, I would talk and some people were really surprise. I bet they thought I had a split personality. I can't talk when I'm in a big group. I could talk a lot more easier when its only 2 people.

Now, I would talk to strangers on the street whenever I get the chance so I could practice. I tried to keep a smile up especially when I'm talking. I still find it hard to look people in the eye. Occasionally, I done some really big screw ups liking crying in front of everyone. Surprisingly, I felt better after I cried. Also overtime, I learned that there were 3 things I needed to not screw up so badly: breakfast, good night sleep and little workload.
paperclippedheart paperclippedheart 18-21, F May 23, 2012

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