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I Never Have Much to Say...

...but I have so much on my mind!

As the username implies, I'm one of those spacey, nature-loving hippy types. I like to think deeply about EVERYTHING and that gets me into trouble socially most of the time. I tend to zone out when I don't feel included in the conversation - and in turn, I miss out on all the cues and jokes. What hurts the most is that I know I'm an intelligent guy and yet I must come off as being slow and uncreative because I simply don't have anything clever or witty say. When I'm in a large group I get nervous and end up listening intently to the conversation without really getting involved. I feel like I just have nothing to say and I end up killing the conversation when I speak. I can't tell if people like me, accept me, hate me, are annoyed by me, or simply don't notice me. I get scared when people reveal their opinion of me - but when their opinion turns out to be something positive, I don't know how to thank them without seeming desperate for friendship!

Mostly, I have trouble connecting with people. My best friend who I feel most comfortable with is two years younger than me (I'm 20). Maybe that's not such a big deal but I make it into one. It seems unusual that I can't connect with people my age and make new friends at a school I've been going to for over 2 years. I don't mind the age difference personally, but it would be nice to have somebody my age who I connect with 100%. Other than this one friend, I have many other acquaintances all around campus but I have yet to really turn these into friendships. It's as though time is running out and if I don't solidify my friendships soon, the chance will be lost forever.

On top of my wavering self-confidence for conversations, I also doubt myself physically. I am a short male (5'6") with no muscles at all. I am very scrawny even though I work out and eat as much as I can. My clothes fit loosely sometimes even though I only buy small t-shirts and pants. I feel like people don't take me seriously because of my size. When I'm in a big group I feel like a little kid who's trying to get the attention of the adults.

People have told me that I shouldn't care what other people think of me and that if they don't accept me they aren't going to be my friend anyways. But how do I know if people accept me? How do I know if people appreciate my company? All I ever seem to get from other people is that they don't mind me being there. As if to say, it's nice to have an extra body in the room even though there is nothing particularly important about me.

I'm hoping this is just a phase that I will grow out of. I'm tired of being lonely and confused and unwanted.

NewAgeHippy NewAgeHippy 18-21 29 Responses Sep 13, 2008

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hi, I'm in more or less the same situation, since i move to study in the UK alone a couple months ago. I had culture shocks and feel alienate most of the time, because of the culture differences. But i truly believe that with the right attitude and patience, anyone can get over this. First of all, I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, but I think you should appreciate people around you more, especially your little friend. It doesn't matter who or why, if they are nice and talk to you, that's more than enough. there is some potential there. Because if people 'just don't mind you being there', they would have stopped inviting you long time ago. the reason the invite you to be there, is because they see the potential and would like to become your friends. and if you see it the other way, you're devaluing the friendship they're trying to offer to you and insulting them in a way. Second of all, if you think what you're thinking is interesting, then i'm sure that there is people out there that have the same mind. However, not everyone has things in common, so don't let that destroys your self-esteem. Everyone is different and you just can't please everyone. As long as what you do or say doesn't hurt anyone, i don't see any reasons why you shouldn't do or say it, if you feel like to. Life is short and happiness is only real when share. go out there and face the world!

" I tend to zone out when I don't feel included in the conversation - and in turn, I miss out on all the cues and jokes." Omg, that's me all the way! I have a lot of trouble connecting with people, too. I have a lot of friends but I don't feel connected to most, if any, of them. If I go with my "best friend" to lunch, I feel like I'm faking our whole conversation. I just don't know what I'm suppose to be saying or doing. Most of our "normal" conversations bore me.<br />
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Don't feel bad about the age thing with your best friend. I'm 30 and one of the people most recently I feel insanely connected to is your age. It makes me feel weird sometimes, too, but connections are hard to explain so who's to say that age really makes a difference. <br />
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As far as your size, everyone likes something different, so there's no "right" size or shape. <br />
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I think you'll probably grow out of feeling unwanted. I use to feel like that and eventually realized I had a lot of friends around me (even if they weren't people I connected with.) It's probably similar for you. You aren't connecting with many so you feel alone. You're not unwanted, more or less, you don't want everyone else. I'm not sure what makes some of us like this :/

Everything you wrote about completely resonated with me. I'm not even used to interacting on the internet anymore because I'm so abhorred by any record of anything created by me, I'm compelled to destroy all traces of most anything I do.

Totally agree on Karnel, looks like im not alone.

Totally agree on Karnel, looks like im not alone.

So much recognition. Like others have said, you put words into something I've never been able to express properly. Glad to hear things have gotten better for you. It gives me hope for my own future. Keep on being an inspiring person! :)

at least "they dont mind u being there"...... my feeling is that i can clear out a room. after being told certain things like am stupid/slow/weird/boring or comments like... "why do u speak do u ever get a feeling no one is listening to u" just negative comments since waaaaay back. i have come to the conclusion that i am that. with that feeling it is almost impossible to be a happy upbeat person that i thought i was in high school or that i have always wanted to be but was shot down so many times. now this negativity is so ingrained in me that i dont think things are going to change. all i have wanted was some to sincerely want to be with me and not a ...charity friend. with that i have become pretty much absorbed in my career and with that have excelled to where i have had cash bonuses for doing a good job, it is all i have left...... back in 06? their had been a management change at the place i currently work. for reasons i still dont know my bosses put me on what is called a P.I.P (performance improvement plan) which entailed that i do such and such amount of work and that "failure to do so would result in a reduced pay grade and or removal from employment" none of my coworkers knew why either they had said except for the friend of my immediate bosss who i worked with side by side and still do. their was speculation they were trying to just get rid of me so that the boss could could hire his friend on permanently ( he was /is a temporary employee, i am on as a permanent) while working on the pip one of the other coworkers had come to me one day and said that if i wanted they would sign a petition as to how unfair it was for me to be placed on a P.I.P. everyone it seemed knew that i was a good employee. i finished the pip and had done waaay more than was "required" at the time i was married and have a daughter, a house. a livelyhood. (am now divorced my daughter age 16 is with me). this pip was more damaging(my self confidence....my who i thought i was) to me than any of the bs i grew up with. emotionally was the last straw. because of this i damn near lost my career and with that i hated those responsible. well this morning was informed that one had died last nite, that news hit me hard. i feel so guily for the hate. all i have wanted was sincere love from others and have known very little. i am soo negative i hate myself for that but cannot shake it nor the hate am feeling for the others responsible for that pip. i hope and pray my daughter does not pick this crap up from me as a consequence i have maybe one friend that i confide in. i am so afraid of being ridiculed by others that now i dont even try or really want to be around others....i cannot take this hate/negativity. how do i change? am 52 in april and have been pretty negative most of my life. now i just want to support /be there for her on the other hand i look forward to sleeping and not waking up. at least then she would be well off financially for awile anyway. i have not asked for much in life and for the most part i achieved it. i hope u all dont end up like me. thanks for letting me vent here a little. sorry.

Ugh totally can relate a lot of people think I'm slow but I'm not its very frustrating

"All I ever seem to get from other people is that they don't mind me being there. As if to say, it's nice to have an extra body in the room even though there is nothing particularly important about me."<br />
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I can completely relate. Like the other day I was hanging out with my sister and her friends, and I couldn't help worrying that I wasn't contributing enough to the conversations we were having. I knew they didn't mind me being there, but at the same time I felt they weren't really getting much from my company.<br />
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The irony is that I think I could be a pretty interesting person to get to know. Like you, there is quite a bit going on in my mind but you wouldn't guess it from how I interact with people. Well, judging by all your comments you are certainly not alone with this, hope you can find some way to find people you connect better with. :)

Man, i feel exactly the same! It's like when im in a large group of people i just feel like a robot, i can't relax i can't think of anything to say, my mind goes completely blank.. And then i just worry for the rest of the day that the people in the conversation will just think im weird. I've just started college and this happens a lot now, it's like i can sometimes talk to a few people just fine, it's just when im in a conversation with people who i dont know too well! Then everything just turns ****,

Everything you just described is exactly what I'm going through it was almost like reading something I've posted, I can relate to this exactly. And I think by talking to you we could in a way help each other my confidence ATM is so low that I can't bare to even travel to college by myself and I hate being in public places it really freaks me out. I hope ure ok and u don't have things as bad as I do

ytruru

I read your update. <br />
So happy to hear!

Wow! You are describing me!

I so understand you... I have a lot on my mind when it comes to interacting and socializing it's almost as I have social anxiety and I think to myself what if I say the wrong thing or my opinion sounds weird and stupid. I think it helps when you focus more on yourself and what your trying to get across than to focus on the people. I've been bullied so I try to take my experience with bullies and try to socialize with others who've been bullied. P.S I think it's great your a nature lover so am I.

I am the same way except i am female :P I am 16 and have been like that forever. you are not alone.

Hey everyone,<br />
<br />
I posted this almost two years ago and I'd completely forgotten about it until I started getting some emails recently from people who commented on the story. So I thought I would give you guys an update about my life currently.<br />
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First of all, the social anxiety that I was experiencing at that time is almost completely absent from my life these days. I have no longer have any problem talking to complete strangers, making new friends, or being involved in conversations. I realize now that I've always had friends and people who care about me.. but at the time, my own fear, shame, and self-judgment was blinding me from this fact. I'm sure you've heard the saying "You are your own worst enemy." Well, that statement is completely correct, although it will take you time and hard work to realize just how much YOU bring YOURSELF down. It's difficult for me to explain how exactly I reached this new level of confidence, but a lot of it was just good old fashioned growing up.<br />
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Don't be afraid to talk to people. I know from experience that talking to people can be extremely difficult if you are dealing with social anxiety, but you've got to get yourself out of that deadly cycle somehow. Revealing things to people about your beliefs, ideals, and opinions will help you feel more comfortable with who you are.<br />
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I hate to admit it, but being quiet is NOT advantage in life! If you are the person in the group that never says a word, you will simply not be noticed. It's the truth. It makes sense though.. how can anyone possibly know what you want or need if you never tell them? How can people know to remember your birthday if you never tell them when it is? How can people know when to call you to hang out if you never tell them what you like to do? How will your acquaintances become better friends if you never trust them enough to tell them your secrets?<br />
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I know for some of you this may be hard to read. I know it sucks that there is no easy, overnight solution. But with some hard work, you too will discover that you already have plenty of things to talk about, and that (gasp) you are worth something as a human being!! Lol. Trust me, this is a phase that you will grow out of, but you will need to test yourself. Reading experience project all day will not help you test yourself. Get out there, fall on your *** a couple times, and become the amazing human being that you were destined to be!<br />
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Also, watch this video. It will give you some much needed perspective:<br />
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5NAPZp2w-o&feature=pla<x>yer_em<x>bedded#!

yeah, I get that. I just don't have that much to say to people, which makes me lousy for conversation. And I do wonder if I come off as slow, or weird, cause yeah, I totally space out and come off as mentally awkward or something. It's too bad. Words just don't easily "flow" for me. Though, if people can just be patient enough to get to know me, then it's a different story, but this sure does account for my very small number of close friends. I think I will always feel like an outsider. It was the same through grade school, through university, through work, but hey, I am at an age now where I can more easily accept that I am just me, and I will never be one to have tons of friends easily, so, good for the handful of people in life that are nice enough to be patient enough with me to get to know me. I hope you find peace.

I am very bad at smalltalk, and social situations but...Hopefully this helps some... <br />
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If you are in college there is still always opportunity for friendships. You are young and people are still open to making friends at your age. I know that sounds silly because you don't view yourself as that young (or I did not when I was your age) but generally if you are still in school? You still have the chance to make friends. Every new person is a different opportunity. <br />
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Also if you just accept connections for what they are, as in being present and enjoying the moment more I find that helps. If you aren't focused on wishing for , or searching for friends, friendships happen more easily. If you are cool with what the person has to offer in that moment it makes developing rapport easier. You never know, most of my current close friends I had NO idea that we would be friends when we met. Many of them it was only years later that we actually connected on that level. <br />
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Can you turn to your best friend for help? I know this sounds bad but its way easy to transition from people you say hi to, to people you hang out with if there are other people there. At least I find it less awkward to invite people to join in GROUP activities, than to invite them to do stuff one on one unless I already have a friendship with them. <br />
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Anyways yes you will PARTLY grow out of some of this stuff. Part of it IS stuff you have to work through though at your own pace. And if your like me have to work through repeatedly. I tend to regress when I go through emotional trauma and am constantly having to work on myself. I am a NICE person, but as you say... generally I don't feel very good at the social stuff. It is WORK for me but... I've accepted that about myself. <br />
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And feel like they really should have offered remedial help in school for people like me who don't pick up the social skills naturally ;)

Yea Just like ^^^ posted, you put words which i have nevr been able to, i too feel the same way-I love nature and being outdoors, but none of my friends or family seem to that much.My jokes suck, and i hardly relate to others but hey u think ur small at 5 foot 6, im barely 5 feet . But w/e slowly i am learning to accept how i am and not care what other people think, im tired of worrying / I just want to be at peace. i do wish my parents helped me a lot more with my confidence and they know i have had bad experiences , they know ive been bullied at school for my height and i think thats what made me shy and akward, but at the same time i was to scared to talk to them about it. Damage has been done and im tryign to fix it and im sure you are too hell maybe all of us here would get along well.

Yea Just like ^^^ posted, you put words which i have nevr been able to, i too feel the same way-I love nature and being outdoors, but none of my friends or family seem to that much.My jokes suck, and i hardly relate to others but hey u think ur small at 5 foot 6, im barely 5 feet . But w/e slowly i am learning to accept how i am and not care what other people think, im tired of worrying / I just want to be at peace. i do wish my parents helped me a lot more with my confidence and they know i have had bad experiences , they know ive been bullied at school for my height and i think thats what made me shy and akward, but at the same time i was to scared to talk to them about it. Damage has been done and im tryign to fix it and im sure you are too hell maybe all of us here would get along well.

you are not alone.

I registered simply to comment on your story. I am not sure what to say. If I were to say 'I feel the same' I would sound like most of the people that have commented... or I don't know. I just felt I should comment. I have never read something so... similar.<br />
I just got home from seeing a movie with my friends and I had that same feeling that I know all to well that you seem to experience. That "we don't mind you here at all, it's nice to have another person sitting with us but there's not anything particularly special about you" feeling. <br />
When I read this: I'm one of those spacey, nature-loving hippy types. I like to think deeply about EVERYTHING and that gets me into trouble socially most of the time. I tend to zone out when I don't feel included in the conversation - and in turn, I miss out on all the cues and jokes. What hurts the most is that I know I'm an intelligent guy and yet I must come off as being slow and uncreative because I simply don't have anything clever or witty say. When I'm in a large group I get nervous and end up listening intently to the conversation without really getting involved. I feel like I just have nothing to say and I end up killing the conversation when I speak. I can't tell if people like me, accept me, hate me, are annoyed by me, or simply don't notice me. I get scared when people reveal their opinion of me - but when their opinion turns out to be something positive, I don't know how to thank them without seeming desperate for friendship!" I wanted to scream. You put into words what I have never been able to. It is just nice to know that there is someone else out there that has to be at least somewhat like me...<br />
Thank you so much for posting this...

I found myself nodding at everything you said above there understanding it! Simply arresting. Well...errm my username also implies direct meaning.<br />
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I AM A COMPLETE CLUTZ. Lots of people claim to be, but I am an uber maniac of a clutz. Ever since I was a kid I've been covered in bumps and bruises due to so many mishaps and collisions that could've been easily avoided. I think it has something to do with the fact that I tend to ZOOM when I walk. I'm bustling with energy and I tend to take it to an extreme level when just doing normal activities. I started doing this in my first year of high school because there was never any reason to walk at a normal pace. I had no one to stop and talk to and besides, if I slowed down I would see all the faces staring at me instead of a big blur. <br />
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Although that's kinda funny for me to think back on flying down the halls of my infamous highschool, I felt horrible all the time about my social status. I've always lacked in social skills but suddenly with the onset of all the pressure of highschool and peers, I became much more withdrawn. I barely ever said anything, even though jokes and quips that my parents would've found HILARIOUS were ever circuiting my brain. I even stopped talking to the one and only friend I've had in my life. All I did was listen to other people jabber and when that became boring I just zoned out and focused on my studies more. <br />
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Occasionally I'd hear a subject that interested me and I would chip in my thoughts and I was immediately given incredulous looks as if to say "it talks???". Then I felt embarrassed and confused and wouldn't speak for long periods of time. Everyone around me just acted like I was part of the decor in the room, just working around me or talking over me. Frankly it annoyed the bejeezus out of me but I began to just observe everyone and all the drama, and found it quite silly and was glad not to be involved in it. <br />
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Yeah, so now to how I am today- I leave the house once in a blue moon and remain in my room all day, either reading books, strumming on my guitar, or surfing the web.I never get bored, surprisingly. I keep myself pretty entertained without anyone else there. But (unwittingly) I signed up for a year-long course in Hawaii on the subject of clinical massage therapy. Now I have to leave in a month and all these doubts and fears are swarming in on me. What if I hate it there? It's not like I can just fly home for a weekend or something, I live in Alaska!! I'm most afraid of meeting new people and working with other people my age or older. I fear that with my awkwardness I will turn all my first-impressions into nightmares of me being this quiet, shy nerdy kid and they won't want to be friends with me. <br />
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Also, I tend to speak in really weird terms that nobody gets or I will use slang that I made up. I never have much in common with anyone and it frustrates me. I guess you would understand what I'm talking about there.<br />
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As for your body image, don't think too much of it. I've been the opposite growing up. I was extremely tall and radically gangly to where I would have this crazy slouch...and I had huge hands!!! I'd tower above the rest of my classmates (including the guys) in this awful, awkward funk-always self-concious. I was 5'6" for a long while until highschool, now I'm 5'7 and a half. Everything else I've grown into, but I still have that self-concious image of myself stuck in my head like someone glued it there with...very strong glue. Haha!<br />
So when I'm told that I'm pretty I blush and get flustered and shake my head no. They must be on something. <br />
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I'm trying to change the way I think, but it's so hard. Maybe it's just all a part of moving onward and accepting who you are and loving yourself for it. I love you as a person. I think you're great and if I ever saw you and slid far enough out of my awkward turtle mode I'd hope to befriend you! Cheers. Bottoms up! (Even though I don't drink, I just thought it'd be funny to say that)

And sometimes I feel like people till their old age fight these issues living a miserable and unhappy life, on other hand I don't have any solution for this nor I can imagine any and makes me lose the want to live.

I am of same age as you, similar height, physical posture and and living absolutely same experiences. Even more frustrated than you are coz couldn't find a way out.

Ill be your friend, you seem like an intelligent person<br />
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ps. i blame your family because a family's first role is to support and make its members feel somewhat confident so theyll be ready for life..well at least i blame mine or how messed up iam<br />
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Basically the best thing you can do is shape the personality you want yourself to have, by yourself. Do not underestimate what you are capable of, try harder to carry on conversations no matter how much you dont feel like it, throw in something funny here and there, people will come around you will see.

Same here. Once I start thinking about something I kind of lose track and sometimes interest in wat im doin lol. I feel you on the last phrase. It does get pretty lonely at times.

I am the same way its tough. Im sure being here amoung friends will help. Good luck :)