I Never Have Much to Say...
...but I have so much on my mind!
As the username implies, I'm one of those spacey, nature-loving hippy types. I like to think deeply about EVERYTHING and that gets me into trouble socially most of the time. I tend to zone out when I don't feel included in the conversation - and in turn, I miss out on all the cues and jokes. What hurts the most is that I know I'm an intelligent guy and yet I must come off as being slow and uncreative because I simply don't have anything clever or witty say. When I'm in a large group I get nervous and end up listening intently to the conversation without really getting involved. I feel like I just have nothing to say and I end up killing the conversation when I speak. I can't tell if people like me, accept me, hate me, are annoyed by me, or simply don't notice me. I get scared when people reveal their opinion of me - but when their opinion turns out to be something positive, I don't know how to thank them without seeming desperate for friendship!
Mostly, I have trouble connecting with people. My best friend who I feel most comfortable with is two years younger than me (I'm 20). Maybe that's not such a big deal but I make it into one. It seems unusual that I can't connect with people my age and make new friends at a school I've been going to for over 2 years. I don't mind the age difference personally, but it would be nice to have somebody my age who I connect with 100%. Other than this one friend, I have many other acquaintances all around campus but I have yet to really turn these into friendships. It's as though time is running out and if I don't solidify my friendships soon, the chance will be lost forever.
On top of my wavering self-confidence for conversations, I also doubt myself physically. I am a short male (5'6") with no muscles at all. I am very scrawny even though I work out and eat as much as I can. My clothes fit loosely sometimes even though I only buy small t-shirts and pants. I feel like people don't take me seriously because of my size. When I'm in a big group I feel like a little kid who's trying to get the attention of the adults.
People have told me that I shouldn't care what other people think of me and that if they don't accept me they aren't going to be my friend anyways. But how do I know if people accept me? How do I know if people appreciate my company? All I ever seem to get from other people is that they don't mind me being there. As if to say, it's nice to have an extra body in the room even though there is nothing particularly important about me.
I'm hoping this is just a phase that I will grow out of. I'm tired of being lonely and confused and unwanted.