Never Felt So Lonely, and Knew It Was My Fault.

I don't know how to describe my problem, but let's take a look at what effects it has had on me.  In the friends department, I usually click well with people at first. After they get to know me a little more, however, I notice they shy away, don't invite me to things any more, don't include me in on conversations, sometimes even act like ****** to me. This is one of the reasons I'm not so keen on making new friends, because they always end up this way.

In the girls department, I seldom go out with a girl more than once. It's been two years since my last relationship, and that one was with a less than desirable girl with very low standards and no sense of self-worth.  All my other relationships were with girls who have similar self-esteem issues or social awkwardness.  I have a big heart and tend to open up quickly to people, offer things too soon, or "come on strongly".  This leads girls to either think I'm a "creep" (very childish terminology by the way) or "just a friend".  Messing up with a girl I really liked led me to realizing my total social ineptness.

Other than that, I've had no trouble interacting with older people and others my age who seem to be much more mature than the mold.  I've been told that I am very deep and mature for my age, and I have had very traumatizing events in my life stemming from a violent and unhappy household.  I try my best to hide this and be "normal".

Yet on the flipside, I am sometimes impatient and have been told that I can be overbearing and controlling. Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist.  A bit of background information may be useful here: I'm an above-average IQ student, I'm musically, artistically and poetically talented, I am very perceptive and analytical, I have a fear of failure and have highs and lows, depending on what happens during my day or week. I am also (as I was told) very handsome and I do work hard to keep in shape, so I get lots of opportunities to meet new friends and girls who on the outside see me as someone normal and attractive. But I hate showing my inside to people because there's something so profoundly disgusting about me that I've never been able to have a close friend my whole life.

I usually let things slide and am apathetic to judgements but some things set me off pretty quickly and get me upset. People overall, describe me as very serious. I have an odd and in-your-face sense of humor. I jump straight to the point in everything. 

One thing that is most profound is that I've found that I'm very good at interaction on a one-on-one personal basis, or even at a two-on-two. But in large groups, I don't like talking and unless I'm with other people and drunk at a party, I can't have fun.

As a kid I was made fun of by almost everyone to the point where I dropped out of high school and was home-schooled. I went to a community college where for the most part, I was socially detached, but maintained high-enough grades that I was accepted to a public ivy university. And here I am, writing this to you all. I'm living in a campus three hours from home and I've never been so alone in my life. I'm actually thinking that I'm depressed, but I'm too proud to go see the campus counselor. I don't want to be prescribed medications and labeled "abnormal".

A few weeks ago, I met a fellow hometown girl who went through similar experiences and has similar insecurities (perhaps more than me, and she has some personality quirks that I find odd). Nonetheless, I was attracted to her and asked her out. Initially, we were both interested. But something, I don't know what, emerged after the first date, that got her to subtly send hints of disinterest. As blunt and hardheaded as I am, I had to be told by her that she intended to only be my friend. Which I accepted, but didn't know that by friends she meant no contact at all. I invited her to several other events but she declined or didn't answer back. I feel like I don't see the monster that others see in me. 

As a kid I used to think it was ugly, so I bought lots of clothes, got my ears pierced and tried to be a la mode. But now I know it's that I'm personally ugly, not physically. And that this ugliness is a curse I'm forced to live with, as this pattern has been perpetuating for my whole life. People close to me (family and mentors) have told me there is nothing wrong with me, but I know there is, and they hide it out of love for me. I really want the input of some strangers. Please help me overcome this social awkwardness.







sammy1988 sammy1988
18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 1, 2009

Maybe you should ask the hometown girl why you all did not click and see if it was something you did or said. You would have nothing to lose since you all are not hanging out anymore. The best way to get a true version of yourself as you appear to others is asking people you talk to but are not overly close with so that they are not biased.

wow, it feels like i just read a short account of my own life. i often ask myself whats wrong with me...