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Internal Contradiction

I was very shy as a child. I wouldn't ignore people but would only speak when spoken to, and then in a whisper to the back of my parents legs. As I got older I made myself start talking, made myself start being loud and obnoxious and say all the goofy stuff thats in my head. But I still have this internal "old me" that goes "Oh no don't say it!" but I brush it aside and just go on and on and on. So either I'm loud and weird with a small part of me cringing in the corner of my mind....or I just don't speak at all. Seems my only two options that I'm capable of and my only two reactions to meeting new people. My friends who are close to me think it's cute watching me meet people. I'm a little bit more balanced around them but not much. I wish I had more control over my "happy medium".
elloluv elloluv 21-25, F 7 Responses Nov 9, 2007

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I know that feeling. If try to be loud I always say something without even thinking about it. Then after, I have this replay in my head of what I would've said if I just had time to think. So, these encounters result in me staying quiet, because conversations require you to be very fast, but for me I have to think about what to say... And most people aren't patient enough to have to wait for few seconds longer for responses during conversations...

I get that too, especially when I try to be more social I end up coming on too strong and fake. The only immediate solution for me is to get really high on some robotussin dry cough ;).

I totally know it! Its like this thing that fades in to your view outta no where making you feel suddenly small! I don't know how to fix it either but at least know you are not alone!

I get it this completely! When you're naturally shy and you force yourself to be outgoing, you usually end up overdoing it. Happens to me whenever I try to be "social".

I am just shy, i try to be loud, but i just can't. So at least you aren't shy all the time. :)

What a beautiful way to put it. You are so brave to be able to say the first thing that comes to your mind. I just usually retort to silence or say something safe and boring instead.

Wow, this sounds just like me. I totally understand what you mean. The people who meet me when I'm loud and obnoxious me are baffled when I tell them that there's a shy me, too. I'm looking to become more balanced, but it's hard work.. there are a lot of factors that go into making me the way I am.<br />
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Thanks for the story.<br />
*Dani