When Does It End?
I need to get this out. Thank God I found this group. I've felt so vindicated by this and alone for so long.
I recently returned back home from boarding school. I attended boarding school for about the length of two years. Before I went to boarding school I was 13 years old and according to my authorities, a "rebel". Just like the rest of my life, I had several aquaintences but nobody exceptionally close. I guess I was a naive boy who was happy-go-lucky. I have always been known to make people laugh. Anyway, boarding school was supposed to help me get over my authority problem and become your everyday obedient teenager. As time went on, I developed extreme anxiety followed by dips into depression. This anxiety dwelled, for the most part, in my social situations. This has been an on-going problem for about a year.
My biggest dreams are to have that close group of friends and be the guy who people can come to and feel comfortable around. Even if I have a low-paying job and a shithole for a house. I WANT TO BE SOCIAL.
But yet every time I get out of the house I have extreme anxiety around people. When I rarely go out with people I know, all I try to focus on is making them laugh. But when the lightened moment is over, I am left with nothing.
I have a diverse sense of style, however, I obsess with what people are thinking about me. Like how I'm standing, should me mouth be open or closed, where should my hands be, which way should I be looking, should I scratch my head? I try everything possible to look normal and careless. When people come to talk to me its a cut-throat battle on what I should say. I feel like when people talk to me, I always have to be saying something. I'm just terrified of being alone.
Being labeled socially awkward scares me to death. I feel like thats the lowest of the low comment to make about someone. I don't even know why.
Tonight I went to the mall with this guy. He said he was meeting up with his girlfriend and some of her friends. Instantly I got terrified. I did not want to go because I knew I would ruin it in some way by my awkwardness. But I forced myself to go because I thought it would help me and would be good for me. It went by average until he met up with these kids who had a really high reputation for being liked. I put my hands in my pockets and allowed the layers upon layers of nervous perspiration to form on my palms. I didn't speak a word for one straight hours. I kept recieving looks from the guy and the people he was with. It felt like "what the hell is that kid doing here". Or "I can't believe we're giving him the privledge of being in our company". We finally went to this cafe where local bands were playing. The guy knew a lot of people there. I didn't know anyone. I felt like I was in security lockdown. I felt like even the ceiling and the walls were one collossal eye watching me. After 20 minutes of being in there, I bailed out. I couldn't take it. I don't know if these people will even give me a glance anymore because me being with them makes them look bad. Tonight wasn't help, it was just a reality check.
I feel like this is getting worse and worse. I'm scared out of my mind. Theres no one that I can talk to about it that feels like I do or that wouldn;t judge me. Please, is there any help/hope?