When Does It End?

I need to get this out. Thank God I found this group. I've felt so vindicated by this and alone for so long.

I recently returned back home from boarding school. I attended boarding school for about the length of two years. Before I went to boarding school I was 13 years old and according to my authorities, a "rebel". Just like the rest of my life, I had several aquaintences but nobody exceptionally close. I guess I was a naive boy who was happy-go-lucky.  I have always been known to make people laugh. Anyway, boarding school was supposed to help me get over my authority problem and become your everyday obedient teenager. As time went on, I developed extreme anxiety followed by dips into depression. This anxiety dwelled, for the most part, in my social situations. This has been an on-going problem for about a year.

My biggest dreams are to have that close group of friends and be the guy who people can come to and feel comfortable around. Even if I have a low-paying job and a shithole for a house. I WANT TO BE SOCIAL.

But yet every time I get out of the house I have extreme anxiety around people. When I rarely go out with people I know, all I try to focus on is making them laugh. But when the lightened moment is over, I am left with nothing.

I have a diverse sense of style, however, I obsess with what people are thinking about me. Like how I'm standing, should me mouth be open or closed, where should my hands be, which way should I be looking, should I scratch my head? I try everything possible to look normal and careless. When people come to talk to me its a cut-throat battle on what I should say. I feel like when people talk to me, I always have to be saying something. I'm just terrified of being alone.

Being labeled socially awkward scares me to death. I feel like thats the lowest of the low comment to make about someone. I don't even know why.

Tonight I went to the mall with this guy. He said he was meeting up with his girlfriend and some of her friends. Instantly I got terrified. I did not want to go because I knew I would ruin it in some way by my awkwardness. But I forced myself to go because I thought it would help me and would be good for me. It went by average until he met up with these kids who had a really high reputation for being liked. I put my hands in my pockets and allowed the layers upon layers of nervous perspiration to form on my palms. I didn't speak a word for one straight hours. I kept recieving looks from the guy and the people he was with. It felt like "what the hell is that kid doing here". Or "I can't believe we're giving him the privledge of being in our company". We finally went to this cafe where local bands were playing. The guy knew a lot of people there. I didn't know anyone. I felt like I was in security lockdown. I felt like even the ceiling and the walls were one collossal eye watching me. After 20 minutes of being in there, I bailed out.  I couldn't take it. I don't know if these people will even give me a glance anymore because me being with them makes them look bad. Tonight wasn't help, it was just a reality check.

I feel like this is getting worse and worse. I'm scared out of my mind. Theres no one that I can talk to about it that feels like I do or that wouldn;t judge me. Please, is there any help/hope?

justxchase justxchase
18-21, M
5 Responses Feb 20, 2010

First, I totally understand the part about being thrown into a group. I always get around new people and feel like I'm not good enough to even be around them. Like they'll be disappointed that this uninteresting person -- me -- is trying to talk to them when they already have many friends.<br />
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And, also:<br />
"Like how I'm standing, should me mouth be open or closed, where should my hands be, which way should I be looking, should I scratch my head? I try everything possible to look normal and careless."<br />
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this is what inspired me to finally get an ep account. I'm this way, too. It drives me nuts. I worry also about how I'm walking and about whether I should make eye contact with people I pass or is that weird...other stuff. It's like I have to plan every detail about myself before I can be around others. I know I give other people's opinion way too much weight, but...I grew up in a household where looking at my mom the wrong way would lead to an afternoon of yelling and arguing.

damn dude, dont think your alone. read my story its called 'you wouldnt understand"

I recently spent a whole week with a close freind with a group of "his" freinds. I became so obsesed and self conscious, I was inhibited the entire time, felt out of placed and even when we got stoned, I was still inhibited. It seems easy not to think about anything and relax, but when your in that position it becomes crippling. You try to go along with the flow, but it seems all so forced and either you think the people around you wouldnt like you or you think they are all stupid. For me, I thought these people were stupid, but what I see as stupid is them being relaxed, free and uninhibited and thats what its souppose to be like? I dunno. I try to imitate, but its so forced, and thats never good.. I guess the wosrt part of it all is that people get the wrong impression of you, and when it starts to involve your career, thats when it becomes devistating. Hopefully one of us finds out how to connect with people, because I've realized that alot of what people try to enbody, such as my particular career, depends on a basic skill of socialization. Its sad that I can not even create a social network with other people who are as passionate as I am in the same career. Good luck to you

Sigh... I'm 30 ******* years old now and hasn't gotten better. ******* it...

Yeah. I'm going to try to work on that. I guess its been an underlying problem for a long while. Thats why its harder to be treated. I guess I'm just now coming to the realization.

Hmm... Well I think I had/have a similar problem to yours. I realized that if I just stopped paying attention to everything and just be chill, I was better. But I know it can be difficult sometimes.