Hehe...another Drop In The Bucket...

hi guys,

I don't know what I expect from this, not much really, so yeah I'm socially awkward like all of you apparently. This isn't sarcasm by the way, it just feels like lots of people say they're socially awkward but in reality they're all at least better off then I am so it's just a bit disheartening...anyways this should cheer some of you guys up so have at it...

I really don't know what's wrong with me, I try but I just can't read people or maybe I read them a bit too well or think about things too much but unlike the rest of you I've never had a single true friend in my life. I can't talk without getting silcence and that "uh...what?' look from just about anybody. Then if they're nice they give a fake simle and a quick "yeah", if they're ******** they just ignore me, so there goes that.

Smile people say, so I smile and that's no good either, I don't know if I'm smiling too big or if it's unnatural, I just don't know and I don't have anyone to tell me. Be friendly but don't be too friendly and make people think you're desperate and/or weird? How? I'm trying, I really am but always that look that says "do I know you? Why are you so excited?" And I guess I just don't know how to smile any other way without looking fake, in order to smile I have to believe I'm happy and that's exactly what comes across. I'm an only child and, to make it worse, I didn't know english and dressed really weird when I first came to the U.S. (Don't get all excited people, I've been here since I was four and English is the only language I'm literate at and the U.S. with all it's issues is the only country I'd ever wanna live in, I love this place and whoever disagrees hasn't lived in a closet sized room with their parents or lived under communism) Anyways, I didn't know English, I dressed weird, probably smelled weird from the ointment my mom loved to rub all over me for scrape and yeah, no other kindergarteners wanted to be withing 10ft of me and I just couldn't get out of that hole somehow.

In my senior year of high school and maybe actually till the summer after my freshman year of college a few people from my high school kinda let me hang out of them, but I still felt out of place, they were all like best friends and I was just there alone, apart from their inside jokes...I have to admit, though, I'm a nerd and sometimes, kay, alot of the times, I can seriously judge someone by their grades or understanding of academic stuff and when I make friends it's really hard for me not to think they're being stupid, like watching JackAss, Adult Swim, Family Guy, Napoleon Dynamite, I mean I'll endure it for the sake of "friends" or just people to hang out with but it's not only not funny but really stupid to me, I laugh but apparently it's at the wrong times and it's fake. I can't help it, I enjoy old stuff like Bon Jovi or sometimes slightly emo stuff like Pink, and I like watching scientific/historical documentries from PBS and cooking shows or Anthony Bourdain (NOT ANDREW ZIMMER THO, TRY LISTENING TO HOW HE TALKS). I know people think that's boring, but just like I think all that other stuff is stupid and incomprehensible, I guesss neither of us can help it.

Anyways I'm a sophmore in college and I was trying to study for my communications exam but I kept thinking about how my eyebrows shot up before I could stop myself when I bumped into this girl fromt that class and how I ducked to the floor for not particular reason when I bumped into this guy, also from the same class, and I just couldn't concentrate.

The ducking and stuff is really unusual even for me by the way, usually I just end up looking away awkwardly and walk away but I don't know, guess I was still jumpy from the girl. Hehehe... and this class is all about public speaking presentations so...hehehehe...there goes that "irreversible communication" or whatever our crappy textbook says.

I guess I'm reaching out, I need someone to talk to, really, any other nerds out there need that, I guess I just wanna know that I'm not that weird. I'm not ugly or obese or anything, I actually think I look pretty good, I just can't seem to catch cues or say the right things at the right times, I'm jittery I guess.

And if any of you out there think a big ego is my real problem, it's not, because I've had to work for my grades and be saying I'm not ugly doesn't mean I necessarily think you are or something. I'm actually really willing to let lots of things go to be friends, grades, looks, whatever, I've been over that since junior high, to tell the truth I guess I'm a naive and gullible sometimes, I tend to trust people at their word and all my emotions show even when i don't want them to.

Anyways, science, history, art, food culture, manga, some anime, some old music...If you wanna talk feel free to do so...

helpme303 helpme303
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

your not wierd you just never accepted yourself....