Locked Out In The Digital Age.

I find myself unable to socialize in this digital world. My high school friends disappeared, work friends never lasted, college friends quickly stopped interacting afterward.
Alcohol seems like it should help, but it doesn't, but I drink any way. People on internet dating websites are hesitant to meet a person from the internet, which is weird, why are they on a web based dating site then anyway?
Single now for two years, the times I come close to making new friends or to joining new social circles,
i notice the tight-knit friendship of others, but am never brought in to any of these folds.
Every so often I make a friend I consider close, but they seem to disappear after a year.
I'm ready to move away and try again, but truth be told only the environment will change.
No one takes chances on a twenty something male.
I have taken to spending extra time in bed. Why not? What's the benefit of being awake and being reminded of my non inclusion in anything. Facebook is simply a way for other people to show things that they are involved with that I am not invited to. It is salt. Another reminder from people who have opted out of my life.

Males and females just a year or two younger seem to easily navigate the electronic social world. Some girls only text now, when did the phone call die? I can't tell if you're angry or if I said something stupid. But they just stop communicating anyway.

When I was employed I was lonely and busy. Now I am laid off and lonely. No one cared about me particularly when I was employed but the women I meet or talk to aren't interested by an unemployed guy.

I find myself thinking that my whole life has been a series of mistakes and misactions and misspeaking. Every action, word or opinion seems to further the gap between society and me.
Bars don't help. I am about to join a church or a book club just to meet new people. I was attending poetry nights, but the people there turned out to be quite personally critical and often two faced, friendly up front but disingenuous, hateful/petty internally.

I don't really feel like I am such an awful person that no one could tolerate me. But it certainly seems that way. Why am I even doing this? I am tired but unable to sleep, I want for a connection with someone. This post will not help.

Tomorrow I will wake up and wonder why I am still alive.
No one has a use for me.
No one listens to me.
No one is attracted to me.

I am damaged. I dislocated my arm and since then I have become less athletic, which is not attractive to any woman.
I don't really know how I got here where I have nearly no friends of any gender and no social groups to encounter new people.
Then again all the new people I ever meet seem so engrossed with their own true friendships that I can not even break into their circles.

I am a turd.
I feel like I am typing in to a well.
How does anyone make and keep friends in these times?
How does anyone meet a romantic partner?

Do I need to go to bars and internet dating websites and just keep trying and failing forever?
Even when I am in shape, am clean and groomed, am working, am listening, am patient
no one gives a **** about me.
It just inspires me to surrender and to give up. Why try? No one notices/likes me when I am at my best and now I am damaged and less than peak.

I am beginning to believe that I will never have another relationship.

A couple of years ago I was friends with a guy in his 30's who said he had given up on meeting a woman,(of having a relationship or of having love or dating) and I wondered why and how he could have given up and feel this way.
Now here I am, isolated and alone and considering giving up.

If any social people read this, please consider not excluding new people when you meet them. It's really hard meeting someone and starting to become friends with them only to be invisible because you only spend time with your life long friends.

desolatemusician desolatemusician
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

I realize this is a really old post now and i doubt youll ever see this reply, but i just read your experience and i can truly relate to what youre saying. Especially the confusion of when people just up and dissapear with no rhyme or reason. Just wanted to take the time to say that i hope things have gotten better for you since you wrote this.

I had to dust off my account, but I wanted to thank you for your response. It's nice to have some sort of common experience or feeling with others.
In the intervening years I have changed my outlooks but my social circle has not grown much. I am however much better at making strangers laugh and at striking up conversations in public. It's kind of like Fight Clubs 'single serving friends' but its not as negative usually. I have my nights where I pine after a lost love and wonder why I drive people out of my life, but have a good cry, sigh, yawn, stretch, get up - realize you're silly and that you can be doing things with this time. Alone or not, there are many things you will never get around to do or to working on without time alone. I play saxophone now, garden more, read and write, teaching myself to dance. I make messy improv music.
I've seen people close to me reveal their priorities and it doesn't bother me, I appreciate them more for it and their realness. It's pretty deluded/unrealistic to expect people to have you in their hearts or personal importances. Everyone has careers and families, debt and finances, relationships and opinions that they entertain and are part of their core. Can't expect real people to not be focused on themselves and growing and achieving.
To the isolated and/or sad,; Write! write a journal, write articles and send them to magazines or newspapers.
Walk! Exercise! Jump! - It will make you feel better, sleep better and fall prey to the darkness less often.
Forgive, let go, Love everyone.
Spend time being grateful. I've made it a ritual of thankfulness. I bow to instruments and thank them and offer myself to them before I play.

I am practicing deeper listening. - Often it's hard not to talk too much, and to listen well you need to let go of what you want to say and just open yourself and receive.

Life's no fairy tale. Love is lurking around the corner.
Your soulmate will not magickly forgive you for being the wonderful, average, real and sometimes horrible person that you are.

Gotta get up and learn, enjoy your self and your time. You can't get it back and you can't rely on others for happiness. And if you don't love yourself, you won't be secure enough to give others the chance to love you.

Check your temper and slow your reaction - it's the ONLY thing we can control/choose in this life.

It is wayy too easy to be too hard on others over nothing.

Forgive - Love - Listen.

Keep Moving.

Good love, friend. Find a happy spot.

I've moved halfway across the company, and maybe it helps shed those memories and old haunts that just bring back the dark.

Good luck and thanks again.


**halfway across the country*

brilliant brilliant brilliant story .. you write how i wish i could ..... you are talented and enchanting please never give up hope with a mind like yours ... best wishes to you :-) xxx

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Good wishes are sometimes all we need to keep our constitution or to push your self up in that happy place. I've learned that you need to make yourself happy. You are all you have. Now everyone I see makes me smile.