I Sometimes Hate This

I really don't want to have this Asperger's Syndrome. It gets in the way of being a 17 year old girl trying to fit in and have friends.
No one really understands me, not my parents, friends(that I do have), teachers, or peers.
I just want to be normal... I haven't done much research on my disability cause well I guess I don't want to admit I have it... I usually have fights with my parents and it makes me depressed... Sometimes even to were I just want to die. So I decided to give coming to one of these "chat" sites a chance as my mom suggested.
I'm very self critical about everything from my looks, to my art work. The only thing I'm somewhat proud of is my ability to write poetry and stories. I love to read and write because well... For me it's an escape from this world.... I hate how everyone on this world is so judgmental. I mean my little(15) year old sister decided to scream out "Your Mental" to me in my school parking lot... Where everyone could hear... I didn't want to go to school ever again.
I'm horrible at making new friends... I spend most of my time online talking on chat sites to people I don't know in real life cause it is easier then face to face conversation.
I also have A.D.H.D and like I said I fight a lot with my family.... We have even gotten physical... I just wish I could take back some of the things I've done....

If you have any advise please let me know cause right now I really am hurt and confused.... Thank you~
MadokaMagic MadokaMagic
18-21, F
3 Responses Jun 29, 2012

I also have aspergers. I am very critical of my looks and my creations, although this may be due to constant criticism. But I also enjoy writing though, I may be terrible at it. I myself have never in my entire life had friends, though I was on polite-buddy terms with some former classmates. I find it helps to remember that nothing is permanent, especially people. Your family, your sister, your problems, and all other negative conflicts in your life will eventually pass. You will grow and adapt into someone new and beautiful, and your sister may grow into someone that regrets their actions and is more considerate of your feelings. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you, but things change. :[

While the previous person attests that you should stop labeling yourself, if you do have Asperger's and it has been clinically diagnosed I feel for you. :[

I also have Asperger's and it is difficult. While it is part of a spectrum and mine may not be similar to yours, I can feel some of the same frustrations conveyed by you.

You write emotively well for someone with Asperger's. I have difficulty usually. But you say you like writing stories so that must be part of it. And you do well.

Since it has been over a year since you wrote this I hope you are doing better but if not I can be here to talk if you like whenever. Try staying calm, remembering people can be feeling just like you, or they're idiots, and writing or communicating just like you do now.

By the way, I like your artwork.

Stop labeling yourself! You don't have anything... You are yourself and this is very important to understand. You are normal. And even that other say ou are not, you will always be normal fo yourself... You are your reality! I was labeled this and that and this and that and I always felt bad about it. Then I was beginning to understand who I am and what is important for me. And I learned to stand up for myself without fighting all the time with my surroundings. I realized that whatever labels are out there, I don't care and I don't mind. I do what I like to do, I am expressing myself. I find areas in which I feel confident. Of course I do not "fit in" most of the time but it's ok. Maybe it takes sometime but you will find the space where you can truely be yourself with "not fitting in". The more you try to "fit yourself in" the more you will loose of your special wonderful qualities you have... Be yourself, and trust... it will come. Maybe you will not have 300 friends, but nobody has. They just say so. You will have 2 or 3 or 4 very good friends. People that really care and really accept you for whom you are. And this is very important! This all does not mean it will not hurt you anymore, but there is a difference between having a problem and suffering. You decide how you go on with a situation. How you handle it. Trust in yourself. Write poetry about it. Be you!