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Being A Coward

Have been so close these past few months. This year had been a rough one for me. My depression took a turn for the worst and dying seemed to always be on my mind. I couldn't get to it or couldnt do it on every attempt. Afraid of the pain I wondered if i was really ready. I just wished there was a simpler way to end my life. Whenever I see an opportunity I have to always ask myself what I would be missing, or if I was making the right choice. Recently, another opportunity just popped into my life, when I least expected it, as things often do. Should I take this chance, or live and regret it if I didnt. Maybe I can die now. Maybe it would be painless. I am feeling alright now, but will I later? I dont know if I should try to die and take the chance. Alcohol and anesthesia. hopefully they will be enough to get rid of me. will i be a coward or will i be a tragedy? i just dont know
endofseptember endofseptember 26-30, F 6 Responses Oct 29, 2011

Your Response


thnx shortswald. i'm doing better now, getting stronger little by little =)

Alcohol & anesthesia are not the answer.......Don't you still want to be a nurse?<br />
<br />
Where I live there are absolutely no jobs at all, except for doctors & nurses.....Tons of nursing jobs available...and the pay is very good...<br />
<br />
Hang in there; and do whatever you have to do to get through each day...even if it means seeing a shrink & taking anti-depressants (without alcohol)...& go back to school & become a nurse,. .....<br />
unless you don't want to be a nurse anymore.

thanks thegrey you're always so nice to me. sorry to hear about your med problem. i hope both of us can feel better. its nice to see you on ep again, i thought i had lost you!

I just endured a med change and literally felt as if I had no soul.I felt like I was already dead;a walking corpse.So why not end it.Simply because even though tomorrow may seem like it is going to be awful I can't imagine never seeing another day even though I am tormented and lethargic. I firmly believe that YOU can help others like me remember the good and bad in life.Life is the key factor,If you do not live I cannot read your eloquent and extremely riveting stories of living with depression.You are gifted,as I have told you before, at writing precisely and succinctly what I and many others go through.And NO you are not a coward somewhere inside of you is a person who wants to live and help others.

When in a's hard to get out! No bullshit! I've got some minor solutions if ya ever wanna rap.....

thanks so much divinemystery. i want to beleive things get better, but i keep finding myself back in the same place =(