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Being A Coward

Have been so close these past few months. This year had been a rough one for me. My depression took a turn for the worst and dying seemed to always be on my mind. I couldn't get to it or couldnt do it on every attempt. Afraid of the pain I wondered if i was really ready. I just wished there was a simpler way to end my life. Whenever I see an opportunity I have to always ask myself what I would be missing, or if I was making the right choice. Recently, another opportunity just popped into my life, when I least expected it, as things often do. Should I take this chance, or live and regret it if I didnt. Maybe I can die now. Maybe it would be painless. I am feeling alright now, but will I later? I dont know if I should try to die and take the chance. Alcohol and anesthesia. hopefully they will be enough to get rid of me. will i be a coward or will i be a tragedy? i just dont know
endofseptember endofseptember 22-25, F 6 Responses Oct 29, 2011

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thnx shortswald. i'm doing better now, getting stronger little by little =)

Alcohol & anesthesia are not the answer.......Don't you still want to be a nurse?<br />
<br />
Where I live there are absolutely no jobs at all, except for doctors & nurses.....Tons of nursing jobs available...and the pay is very good...<br />
<br />
Hang in there; and do whatever you have to do to get through each day...even if it means seeing a shrink & taking anti-depressants (without alcohol)...& go back to school & become a nurse,. .....<br />
unless you don't want to be a nurse anymore.

thanks thegrey you're always so nice to me. sorry to hear about your med problem. i hope both of us can feel better. its nice to see you on ep again, i thought i had lost you!

I just endured a med change and literally felt as if I had no soul.I felt like I was already dead;a walking corpse.So why not end it.Simply because even though tomorrow may seem like it is going to be awful I can't imagine never seeing another day even though I am tormented and lethargic. I firmly believe that YOU can help others like me remember the good and bad in life.Life is the key factor,If you do not live I cannot read your eloquent and extremely riveting stories of living with depression.You are gifted,as I have told you before, at writing precisely and succinctly what I and many others go through.And NO you are not a coward somewhere inside of you is a person who wants to live and help others.

When in a funk.......it's hard to get out! No bullshit! I've got some minor solutions if ya ever wanna rap.....

thanks so much divinemystery. i want to beleive things get better, but i keep finding myself back in the same place =(