Is 'i'm Sorry' Good Enough?
Maybe I didn't pray hard enough. Maybe I didn't really want to go see you one last time; maybe I was terrified to go sing to you. Terrified, because I didn't want to be there when you passed away. I didn't want to have to see you like that. I didn't want to have to think of you as weak... I didn't want my horrible singing voice to be the last thing you heard. I didn't want the last thing you remembered to be me crying over you... I didn't want to remember you as weak. I wanted to remember you, grandma, as you were that night that you came with my mom and the rest of the family to one of my vocal concerts, in highschool. The night you told me I was the prettiest girl there, and that you heard my pretty voice. I'm sorry I couldn't be braver... It bothers me still, to this day, years later.
And you, Erica... My one 'follower' in highschool. Oh, I was never popular. Never the cool kid, but... You looked up to me. How could I not have seen how desperately you needed help? I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I didn't know what to do, other than to protect you, so that's what I did... I thought I risked my (nonexistent) popularity, the possibility of such by letting you follow me about, but I just could NOT STAND the way some people treated you. I didn't know what to do... So, most often, I kept myself distanced from you, wouldn't let you get close... But, if someone messed with you, when I could see, when I was around and able to come to your aid, I did. If I had known what was going on in your home, I would have done everything in my power to ensure your safety. I'm so sorry I couldn't see. I'm so sorry I didn't let you get close enough to tell me. Someday, I hope to hear from you again, to find out how you're doing. I hope you're doing so well, you know I do. Its too bad you probably won't ever read this.
And... Finally... Mom. I'm sorry. I wish we could be closer. I wish I knew what's caused this rift between us... Besides our distance. I wish we could see eye to eye... I'm not sorry that I am who I am, but I am sorry that I don't seem to be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that we have so little in common, so little we can see eye to eye on. I feel like I've come a long way, not just in distance, since we moved out here... I've learned a lot about myself and grown up some... I've learned how to better take care of myself and my son. I'm still not the best housekeeper in the world, but at least now I make a conscious effort. I'm very very proud of myself, and where I am now, but I'm sorry that I haven't done anything that makes you proud of me. I'm sorry that I'm not successful, that I didn't finish college, that I don't make a lot of money... I'm sorry that I haven't done anything worth talking about. But, in a way, I'm not sorry that I made the choices that I made. I'm in a fairly good place right now... Much better than I have been in a long time, emotionally, though I complain a lot. I wouldn't be where I am now, if the things of the past hadn't happened. Can you forgive me for not being everything you hoped I would be? Can you be proud that I am what I am?
And... Lastly... LOL I'm sorry to anyone reading this. It ended up being fairly droll and emo. 0.0 I hadn't intended it to be.