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I Have A Question About South Africa

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

 
Eish! :D  X@
CatchCabby CatchCabby 56-60, F 53 Responses May 31, 2010

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lol

CLASSIC!!!! #iamsouthafricantoo

Thanks Lehakoe, happy to entertain X@

Hahahahahaha. Oh my Gosh, that was hilarious. Nice read.

*giggle* Yeah, really! Hey AP where are you! X@

heheheeeee<br />
<br />
At least I stayed with food, including braai's. That Andrew chap moves it to ****. Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!

B! NO, NO, you can't say sorry! You and AP had the best comments, and took me on a very happy, very convoluted and thoroughly enjoyable ride! MORE! MORE! X@

What did I do???<br />
<br />
Will it help if I say that I'm sorry??<br />
<br />
love<br />
b

Hey T! I love the comments, and especially AP and Bcj's tangents! It lifts my spirits! I also re-visit and re-read! X@

whenever I need to laugh, I come back to this post... simply brilliant when another's ignorance is so blantantly exposed! *hugs n kisses my sister for this* xxoo T~

Hi Gr8white! Welcome to the madhouse! X@

Hi TLK, jy's baie welkom bokkie! X@

This was funny, thanks for the laugh

;D I'm quite tickled actually! hee hee X@

Andrew<br />
<br />
However did you manage to build a bridge from CC's story and the comments which were about culture, cuisine, etc. to ***********.<br />
<br />
I thought that I am strange, Hmmmmmph

wasn't me.<br />
<br />
i am not a **** star.<br />
<br />
oh my!!!

Pleasure Andrew, I can't believe you've roped me, ME!!!, into a **** story. Dear, dear!

My pleasure, dear Lady.<br />
<br />
That kind of madness surfaces at times, but only rarely.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
<br />
Love and peace<br />
b

Eish *shaking head despondently* you manne is blerry naughty hey! Guys hijack away. It's most entertaining. B - enjoyed the braai story!<br />
Thanks for the cooking site B X@

Hahhaha<br />
<br />
Can't be me because I am as dark as the ace of spades.<br />
<br />
If it were me, though, then that boyfriend would have been impaled on the assegai, looking somewhat like a kebab.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
told you that we could be evil.

Andy,<br />
<br />
We are as western as you can think; lascivious, naughty, nice, sexy, spicy. This is not black or white or holy or evil. Even some of the wildest things that you write are mere kindergarten level games compared to some of the rl issues here. <br />
<br />
just google and be shocked.<br />
<br />
love and peace<br />
b

AP<br />
<br />
Mengelmoes = mixed pot, pot-pouri with reference to an urban or peri-urban environment, people in one town who come from many tribal and cultural backgrounds.<br />
<br />
Potjie = is almost the same as mengelmoes, but with ref to food. This type of cooking was done on the mines circa 1900 (Kimberley diamond finds et al) where the African workers cooked over open fires outside. The pots were black cast iron ones which became blackened further by the fire. These are still cast today and are sought after as they make the most wonderful stews, roasts and roasted potatoes. We also buy the flat bottomed ones so that we can use them on the hob. The magic, though, is the added smokiness from the burning wood of an open fire.<br />
<br />
See<br />
<br />
http://cookbook.co.za/meat-recipes/beef-recipes/oxtail-potjie/<br />
and<br />
http://cookbook.co.za/meat-recipes/greek-lamb-shanks/

Hey AP<br />
<br />
let me help<br />
<br />
Braai = BBQ, but with much more character. This is how to do it right - <br />
<br />
1. Tell the wife that she is the designated driver. This will get her really pissed. She will bliksem you later.<br />
2. As you arrive, greet the manne with "Howzit".<br />
3. Receive a beer, twist the top off and say "cheers". That final "R" may never be silent.<br />
4. Throw the empty beer bottle in the trash.<br />
5. Get another beer. Beer, ok! Not that 2% **** water that they sell oversees. Here, light beer is 4% alcohol by volume and regular is 5.8%. Well, if you want to run with the big dogs, you can't **** like a puppy, you know. <br />
6. Stand with the manne around the braai bin/weber/etc<br />
7. Go inside to greet the hostess and the other ladies. This delay would have given them time to greet each other and to start their ten simultaneous skinner stories going, so that the room sounds like a hornets nest.<br />
8. This part is very tricky. Make sure that your greet everyone and that they acknowledge you without breaking the rhythm and flow of their stories. If you get this wrong, the whole group, including husbands, will get to know what a doos you are, before next weekend's braai.<br />
10. Pour your first Klippies and coke and if you are a senior manager/executive at some company, then no-one will be offended if you have a whiskey.<br />
11. By this time ,you will have offended one of the hens, somehow. Just know that you have embarrassed your wife and you are now in the kak.<br />
12. Pour another dop. Nothing else will take away the pain that will surely come. She will tell you that you are sleg, your parents are sleg, your brothers are ******** and you sister is a *****. Oh, and you had better fire your super sexy secretary.<br />
13. Just thinking about this makes your head hurt, so, pour another dop.<br />
14. Someone has put some wors on the grill and the aroma fetches you. You join the manne around the braai and you talk about rugby, Koos who got picked up for DUI, Jannie, whose wife has found out about his stukkie and much other non essential bs.<br />
15. Make sure that you drink enough so that when you get home, you pass out on the bed with your shoes on. You see, this way she can only kak on you tomorrow when the babelas is gone.<br />
16. Oh, and sometime between when you arrive and leave the braai, ensure that you eat something. You should try as liquid diets can kill you.<br />
17. If, when you awake, it is Sunday or a public holiday, pour another dop to keep the babelas away.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
<br />
glossary<br />
bliksem =beat/scold<br />
manne =the guys<br />
skinner stories = slanderous gossip<br />
doos = c_nt/*******<br />
Klippies = a brand of brandy<br />
dop = drink<br />
in the kak =in the ****/ the **** has hit the fan<br />
sleg = bad person, *******, doos, waste of oxygen<br />
wors = sausage<br />
stukkie = mistress, girl on the side<br />
kak on you = give you hell<br />
babelas = moerse hangover<br />
moerse = astronomical, massive, gigantic, etc

Grahamstown, too British for me. I love the mengelmoes of Cape Town with its influences from Portuguese, British, Dutch, Khoi, French, Greek, Afrikaans, Turkish, Malay, Indian, Chinese and now, coloured influences.<br />
<br />
If you want Local cape Town then go to the parade or to the flea markets but the craziest experience is a fishing harbour, eg St Helena Bay or Kalk Bay. Oh my, the colloquial language is rich, expressive, crude, crass, and sometimes awful, but the imagery can not be ignored nor can it be misunderstood. You will know what they think of you.<br />
<br />
hehehe

http://www.ejozi.co.za/south-african-cuisine/alikreukel.html<br />
<br />
These guys only heard of recipes though.

Dunno Alikreukel, but I've had perlemoen done all kinds of different ways. <br />
And I'm a real Capie at heart, I've lived in Wilderness for a year, Mossel Baai for 4 years, for the last years of the MossGas project, then to Cape Town herself. I adore the Cape. And of course, hubby's Great (however many) grandfather was one of the 1820 Settlers in Eastern Capet! Started a church and a school nogal! Ja, I love Grahamstown, Bathurst, Port Alfred and Kenton-on-Sea with a passion! <br />
Beautiful country this!X@

Yep. Obees. We Capies are weened on the stuff. It is what comes out of our mother's breasts. hahahah<br />
<br />
Alikreukel and perlemoen make a stunning potjie.<br />
<br />
mmmmm

Jiiiiislaaaik OB'eeeessssss! The best! I spent 3 weeks on the West Coast last year in April. We bought 20 crayfish and braaied most of them on the beach (I have two brilliant Hotel trained sons!!!) I wanna go live there! Ob's and shellfish and the sea. MMM-mmmm!

OBeeeessss! Love the stuff! Oooh I went to the West Coast in April last year, got 20 crays, and braaied most on the beach, my two chef sons doing the honours. Man oh man oh man. I wanna go live there!!!!!!!! Hell I'll even do a wet suit to go get 'em myself!

15 months?????/<br />
<br />
I lived down for 31 years. That water can get very cold.<br />
<br />
I used to go diving for alikreukel, cray, perlemoen. All very yummy but it take a bit of "old brown" to get in the water.<br />
<br />
hahaha

That may be, but when you're only 15 months old, who gives a hoot! :D

Boulders Beach, well!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
See it can get quite cold, maybe down to 12 degrees C. Man, when I swim there, everything shrinks up and hides away trying to keep warm.<br />
<br />
I'll bet that if I were to be kicked between the legs I would suffer no damage. See, my testicles would be sitting next to my heart to keep warm.<br />
<br />
hehehehe

I LOVE this! AP and B hijack anytime, it is very educational and highly entertaining! Penguin??? what can I say? B he is born and bred Sef Efriken boet, But, penguins in Hillbrow, EISH!<br />
;D Penguin you been gone too long, come home! Luv ya boet!<br />
Boulders is the BEST! My grandson was 15 months old when we took him last year! He was beside himself with utter joy and thoroughly entranced. I did wonder if that was where it came from X@<br />
Hi Ladee

bjc... my avatar pic was taken at Boulders Beach... and yes, it is funny when a penguin walks by you on the beach, probably muttering to themselves, Damn humans, cluttering up the beach...Oooh look.<br />
an umbrella.. Look! its brightly colored.. gotta check this out. Hmm.. I see blue, orange, green. <br />
I need to stare intently at these colors.

Please excuse us, CC. <br />
<br />
AP and I are famous for hijacking a story. I presumed that my comment would have more value here for other epeeps than in a PM to AP.<br />
<br />
To the true historians out there; please forgive my recollection of the history. <br />
<br />
Thanks<br />
Love and peace<br />
b

We have a town called Balmoral and suburbs such as Clifton (Cliff Town) and how about Llandudno - Welsh spelling construct, I believe.

Hi AP<br />
<br />
Tis very funny, I think. <br />
<br />
Bit of our history - The Portuguese sailors (under Bart Diaz) found the place, Mossel Bay, Hence we have Diaz/Dias beach there. Port Elizabeth is situated in Algoa Bay (reference to D'Algoa, it seems). On the West coast we have the port of Saldanha.<br />
<br />
Then came the Dutch influence (from 1652) in Cape Town where the 3 ships arrived in False bay and also Table Bay. The names are strongly dutch and British (Victoria and Alfred Waterfront, Simon's Town, D'urbanville, Heerengracht, Muizenberg, Hout Bay, etc.)<br />
<br />
The British (1820) settlers came and settled (mostly) in the E Cape and Natal (now KZN or Kwazulu Natal). Here the names are strongly British in structure, (Grahamstown, Port Elizabeth, Maydon Wharf, Wale Street, Queen street, Embankment, Queensborough, Kingsbourough, Brighton beach, Salisbury Island, Bluff, Athlone Park, Durban, East London, Newcastle, Estcourt, etc.<br />
<br />
In fact, one can still buy bumper stickers in Durban that show half a Union Jack. It reads - The last British outpost. hahaha <br />
<br />
There are other influences as well, Arabic, Turkish, Indian (dot), Portuguese, French, Greek, etc<br />
<br />
Oh, and Jozi is the accepted nickname for Johannesburg (also the Zulu name, Egoli), Jozi does have a Sandton (from the british construct - Sand Town), and Bryanston, Denver, Marlboro, etc<br />
<br />
Kimberley -the diamond city- has large British symbols<br />
<br />
hope this helps

see <br />
<br />
http://www.maplandia.com/africa/<br />
<br />
zoom in on johannesburg (inland) and then look for cape town. (SSW on the coast)

Penguin, hahahaha<br />
<br />
you are so funny, even if you did not mean to be. <br />
<br />
Hillbrow is a suburb in Johannesburg. Penguins are found on the south and west Cape coasts, 1000 miles away. There is a colony at Boulders. here, one can walk between them.<br />
<br />
see http://www.aboutcapetown.com/penguins.htm<br />
<br />
love and peace<br />
b

Do you remember Joubert Park at Christmas! It used to be wonderland. Pity ... X@<br />
Hi Sweetiepie, glad you had a laugh.<br />
Penguinman, PARDON? :) <br />
X@

yes, but you come across penguins on the beach..

wow thankyou for sharing your story!<br />
:)<br />
you made me laugh too!<br />
hope you had a good day<br />
sweetiepiebutterfly

Hahahaa.<br />
<br />
Matt and I went with an Uncle to play chess on the giant board in Joubert Park in 1996. I left my BMW parked on the pavement for about 3 hours. I don't think that one could do that today.<br />
<br />
I only visit Jozi for a max of 8 hours at a time now.

I lived in Hillbrow in the 80's, it was fantastic. We would go to Barbarella's Disco until about 2 am, head off to eat at one of a number of fab places, then walk home, two girls perfectly safe. B do you remember Fontana's roast chicken - mmmm he BEST! Late Nite Al's had fabulous Taramosalata, and stuffed grape leaves, and Bimbo's for schwarmas! It had the best bookshop too. I loved Hillbrow. <br />
Now I wouldn't consider going anywhere near it in broad daylight! X@

hahaha<br />
<br />
Stay out of Hillbrow, Johannesburg, hlpflwthat.<br />
<br />
We locals steer clear. We drive down other roads to skirt the suburb in central Jozi. Fridges, stoves and sometimes people get tossed out of the windows of multi-story buildings.<br />
<br />
b

Oh gawd this made me laugh ... an I swear I ain' had a bit to drink or smoke.<br />
<br />
Reminded of the story bout a family from Virginia movin here to Minnesota. The youngest son (11) was asked what he thought bout the pending move ... "Well, I allays wanted to have a penguin!"<br />
<br />
At 40, he's still havin a tough time livin that down. Thanks for sharin this.<br />
<br />
Sounds like Hillbrow is the place to be then?

... and again you make me laugh. I grew up in SOuth Afric and moved to Australia. My favorite was always "Why aren't you black if you were born in South Africa?"<br />
<br />
The answer that always got the most puzzled look...<br />
<br />
"I was born in the day time... NOT at night... simple if you think about it!!!"

Hey we have some strange ideas about you lot too, Sam! I'm happy I made you laugh, and don't apologize, I have some great American friends who are sane! X@

i needed that laugh soooo badly! thank you very much and i feel the need to appologize for my fellow Americans. but still laughing!

yes they are!! you know, sometimes you tend to think that only the un-educated people in places like south africa, would ask such stupid questions!! lol : )

They're priceless, and make me feel so good. :D X@

lol, i especially laughed at the question: will i be able to see elephants in the street? and the website owner answered: depends how much you've been drinking? lol lol, cos since i moved to scotland, i have had so many people ask me if there is lions and tigers and elephants running around the streets in South Africa lol!!! i will have to remember this answer though!!!

Oh my!<br />
<br />
I thought that all the dumb people already lived here, then I read this. Oh and I remembered George W.<br />
<br />
hahahaaaa<br />
<br />
my, but it hurts to laugh so much.<br />
<br />
b