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I Have A Question About South Africa

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

 
Eish! :D  X@
CatchCabby CatchCabby 56-60, F 64 Responses May 31, 2010

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lol

CLASSIC!!!! #iamsouthafricantoo

Thanks Lehakoe, happy to entertain X@

Hahahahahaha. Oh my Gosh, that was hilarious. Nice read.

*giggle* Yeah, really! Hey AP where are you! X@

heheheeeee<br />
<br />
At least I stayed with food, including braai's. That Andrew chap moves it to ****. Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!

B! NO, NO, you can't say sorry! You and AP had the best comments, and took me on a very happy, very convoluted and thoroughly enjoyable ride! MORE! MORE! X@

What did I do???<br />
<br />
Will it help if I say that I'm sorry??<br />
<br />
love<br />
b

Hey T! I love the comments, and especially AP and Bcj's tangents! It lifts my spirits! I also re-visit and re-read! X@

whenever I need to laugh, I come back to this post... simply brilliant when another's ignorance is so blantantly exposed! *hugs n kisses my sister for this* xxoo T~

Hi Gr8white! Welcome to the madhouse! X@

Hi TLK, jy's baie welkom bokkie! X@

This was funny, thanks for the laugh

;D I'm quite tickled actually! hee hee X@

Oops...<br />
<br />
AP

Andrew<br />
<br />
However did you manage to build a bridge from CC's story and the comments which were about culture, cuisine, etc. to ***********.<br />
<br />
I thought that I am strange, Hmmmmmph

wasn't me.<br />
<br />
i am not a **** star.<br />
<br />
oh my!!!

Pleasure Andrew, I can't believe you've roped me, ME!!!, into a **** story. Dear, dear!

bcj's braai story was so witty, and so well-written, that now I am *ABSOLUTELY* determined to write a South African character into one of my **** novels. But I'll probably put him in an Asian city I know -- Hong Kong? Seoul? -- so that I can get away with mistakes here and there. Eg. my character Eduardo is a Spanish Filipino, but I made sure he is domiciled in Venice, a city I know well. And just in case, I made him fluent in Japanese.<br />
<br />
Heh heh, maybe my South African character will be fluent in Thai... or Malay.<br />
<br />
Since I'm here amongst friends, I'd like to solicit suggestions for possible names for a male character who is South African, very worldly, but also a bit posh. I was thinking of something like Thomas Oehlers, but we have that family name here, and people might think I was writing about them! Maybe something where something a bit different in the spelling tells you that it is from the New World, not the Old World. <br />
<br />
I love you, Cabcraft. Thank you for letting the manne run wild on your thread!<br />
<br />
AP

My pleasure, dear Lady.<br />
<br />
That kind of madness surfaces at times, but only rarely.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
<br />
Love and peace<br />
b

Eish *shaking head despondently* you manne is blerry naughty hey! Guys hijack away. It's most entertaining. B - enjoyed the braai story!<br />
Thanks for the cooking site B X@

*scurries away, has spotted the assegai*<br />
<br />
:D<br />
<br />
*tea break from EP*<br />
<br />
Andrew

Hahhaha<br />
<br />
Can't be me because I am as dark as the ace of spades.<br />
<br />
If it were me, though, then that boyfriend would have been impaled on the assegai, looking somewhat like a kebab.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
told you that we could be evil.

Andy,<br />
<br />
We are as western as you can think; lascivious, naughty, nice, sexy, spicy. This is not black or white or holy or evil. Even some of the wildest things that you write are mere kindergarten level games compared to some of the rl issues here. <br />
<br />
just google and be shocked.<br />
<br />
love and peace<br />
b

P/s: Let's make the character a very light-complexioned man who has lived in the Cape and in Jozi, has Sean Connery eyebrows, carries an assegai, is Roman Catholic, and trained in Engineering and speaks German too. And then we'll give him a boyfriend...<br />
<br />
:D<br />
<br />
AP

bcj, this is so wonderful. Do you think I will become persona non grata in South Africa if I write a colourful South African character into my next pornographic novel?<br />
<br />
I must be a masochist or something. For two days I have been farting about with deep edits concerning my character M'akena, who is an African-American chickbabe, because I am worried that shoes and bricks will come flying through my windshield if I get it wrong.<br />
<br />
:P<br />
<br />
*HUGS*<br />
<br />
*another, bigger HUG for cabcraft, who is so patient with bcj and me*<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Andrew

AP<br />
<br />
Mengelmoes = mixed pot, pot-pouri with reference to an urban or peri-urban environment, people in one town who come from many tribal and cultural backgrounds.<br />
<br />
Potjie = is almost the same as mengelmoes, but with ref to food. This type of cooking was done on the mines circa 1900 (Kimberley diamond finds et al) where the African workers cooked over open fires outside. The pots were black cast iron ones which became blackened further by the fire. These are still cast today and are sought after as they make the most wonderful stews, roasts and roasted potatoes. We also buy the flat bottomed ones so that we can use them on the hob. The magic, though, is the added smokiness from the burning wood of an open fire.<br />
<br />
See<br />
<br />
http://cookbook.co.za/meat-recipes/beef-recipes/oxtail-potjie/<br />
and<br />
http://cookbook.co.za/meat-recipes/greek-lamb-shanks/

Hey AP<br />
<br />
let me help<br />
<br />
Braai = BBQ, but with much more character. This is how to do it right - <br />
<br />
1. Tell the wife that she is the designated driver. This will get her really pissed. She will bliksem you later.<br />
2. As you arrive, greet the manne with "Howzit".<br />
3. Receive a beer, twist the top off and say "cheers". That final "R" may never be silent.<br />
4. Throw the empty beer bottle in the trash.<br />
5. Get another beer. Beer, ok! Not that 2% **** water that they sell oversees. Here, light beer is 4% alcohol by volume and regular is 5.8%. Well, if you want to run with the big dogs, you can't **** like a puppy, you know. <br />
6. Stand with the manne around the braai bin/weber/etc<br />
7. Go inside to greet the hostess and the other ladies. This delay would have given them time to greet each other and to start their ten simultaneous skinner stories going, so that the room sounds like a hornets nest.<br />
8. This part is very tricky. Make sure that your greet everyone and that they acknowledge you without breaking the rhythm and flow of their stories. If you get this wrong, the whole group, including husbands, will get to know what a doos you are, before next weekend's braai.<br />
10. Pour your first Klippies and coke and if you are a senior manager/executive at some company, then no-one will be offended if you have a whiskey.<br />
11. By this time ,you will have offended one of the hens, somehow. Just know that you have embarrassed your wife and you are now in the kak.<br />
12. Pour another dop. Nothing else will take away the pain that will surely come. She will tell you that you are sleg, your parents are sleg, your brothers are ******** and you sister is a *****. Oh, and you had better fire your super sexy secretary.<br />
13. Just thinking about this makes your head hurt, so, pour another dop.<br />
14. Someone has put some wors on the grill and the aroma fetches you. You join the manne around the braai and you talk about rugby, Koos who got picked up for DUI, Jannie, whose wife has found out about his stukkie and much other non essential bs.<br />
15. Make sure that you drink enough so that when you get home, you pass out on the bed with your shoes on. You see, this way she can only kak on you tomorrow when the babelas is gone.<br />
16. Oh, and sometime between when you arrive and leave the braai, ensure that you eat something. You should try as liquid diets can kill you.<br />
17. If, when you awake, it is Sunday or a public holiday, pour another dop to keep the babelas away.<br />
<br />
hahaha<br />
<br />
glossary<br />
bliksem =beat/scold<br />
manne =the guys<br />
skinner stories = slanderous gossip<br />
doos = c_nt/*******<br />
Klippies = a brand of brandy<br />
dop = drink<br />
in the kak =in the ****/ the **** has hit the fan<br />
sleg = bad person, *******, doos, waste of oxygen<br />
wors = sausage<br />
stukkie = mistress, girl on the side<br />
kak on you = give you hell<br />
babelas = moerse hangover<br />
moerse = astronomical, massive, gigantic, etc

Hello cabcraft. Thanks for letting me listen in on this. I'm learning so much food vocab!<br />
<br />
mengelmoes (yay, I guessed that one right!!!!)<br />
<br />
:D<br />
<br />
braai (*okay, for that one I had the idea of brewing beer, before the "Oh!' moment).<br />
<br />
potjie<br />
<br />
Thank you...<br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
AP

Grahamstown, too British for me. I love the mengelmoes of Cape Town with its influences from Portuguese, British, Dutch, Khoi, French, Greek, Afrikaans, Turkish, Malay, Indian, Chinese and now, coloured influences.<br />
<br />
If you want Local cape Town then go to the parade or to the flea markets but the craziest experience is a fishing harbour, eg St Helena Bay or Kalk Bay. Oh my, the colloquial language is rich, expressive, crude, crass, and sometimes awful, but the imagery can not be ignored nor can it be misunderstood. You will know what they think of you.<br />
<br />
hehehe