Scattered Thoughts Of The Past

If sanity does not exist, why bother pretending, being an Infj I felt isolated early on, I liked women ever since I can remember, never going through the cooties stage. For some reason I always seemed to stand out a bit, never realizing until years later when people would tell me of crushes they had on me or through the use of hindsight. I would see and feel things in the night, at one point being choked by an energy of sorts,energy flowing to the tips of my fingers causing my fingers to burn with such intensity i foolishly forced the feeling to turn off without attempting to understand it.......I was scared, when I was young ... I experienced everything so intensely that when I fell in love for the first time and gave myself to her it was game over and I literally felt my heart crack when it ended and almost fell down the stairs. When I felt something was right I would do it without thought of others, they say idle time is the devils play thing, boy do I know it. lol I attempted suicide at a young age, 13 I believe, they did not believe me when I said it was out of boredom. I grew weary of this world and wished to explore the next, thinking if i covered myself with crosses I would be safe from hell and if i went to hell i could just wreck the place, anyhow the toaster shorted out, the suicide by cop didn't work due to the gas being out in the car and my parents finding me in the library before, and the last attempt via od'ing....well lets just say God did me a solid that day,I have never thrown up so much in my entire life...for hours, the last projectile being in church, I prayed for my life, he granted it, the pain ended after 4 hours of nonstop and i promised never to try such a foolish act again. Besides as a friend of mine once told me "only an idiot gets bored"and it was and still is true.I shut out all emotions and became a robot after my heart broke, indulging in women, drugs and alcohol, paying no mind to who I harmed along the way, I did everything I said I would not do as a child, committed mortal sins,etc. My emotions bubbled up and energy began coming to me in bursts around every other spring, uncontrollable energy....causing me to do things such as go streaking, ran over moving vehicles, wrestle with cops, burn the word love into my skin, etc. my brain blurred on some of the instances, I lost many who i considered close to me. I recall plugging into wall outlets to absorb energy and go days without sleep, food or water...that was what led to the streaking episode, will not do that again. Reality...ceased to exist, sometimes I wonder if it ever did. I met people claiming to be Lucifer, Michael the arch angel....made the mistake of bringing what I believe was a possessed man out of a wheelchair...was shown visions of hell when i was sleep deprived with thoughts trying to convince me I was the son of satan and it was my kingdom, that caused me to write a thirty page poetry book of the debate I was having within my head....for some reason I always burned my writings, wish i had not.I remember attempting and failing to leave it all behind, putting my weight suit on, buying a i believe twenty pound...what are those things called you use to break hard gravel with so you can dig?...well one of those, i sanded it down, painted it white and used it as a walking walk of my llife...peaceful. Slept in the cemetery the first night, I was drawn to the smell of steak. .The last night i came about a city over m aybe two to a dried out waterfall, climbed the hill and sat in meditation, i saw 5 or 4 gates of light and was to choose from one, i then remember speaking to a star as if it was my soul and drawing a line for it so it could dance into me...afterwards i rolled down the hill like a little kid in the dark leaving all my belongings behind, wallet,staff and all(my father drove me when i was dehospitalized to retrieve the items) felt as though i was leaving my body, i stopped just before hitting some rock beds and returned home. I remember battling with lust when i attempted to exorcise my friend...major mistake since that was my weakest deadly sin, it ended with my body vibrating as if i was having a started to lift off the ground, my freind pounded on my chest crying saying "please, please just let him hear"....we were trying to rid her of the voices in her head. I never saw her after that night, she left and was terrified, she has a child now, which is great since she was supposedly infertile....I got the present of hearing prayers that night as i drifted into slumber, the most beautiful sound i have ever heard, rewarded even though i had failed her. I remember taking a knife out of my sisters hand when she had it pressed against her wrist because i would not give her money for makeup....i yelled at her in that moment for the motion.I hurt many on my path. Blind. My emotions have been coming back slowly over the years, and growing stronger and i with them, I do not like to take advantage of others.I was powerful when i snapped, absurdly so, I can remember holding back almost in every activity when i was younger....i was afraid of losing control, now i want to learn how to unlock it at will, i do not want to hold back in anything i do anymore, this world deserves nothing less than for us to give everything our all for love. I have done my fair share of foolish things, there are sure to be more to come, but the next time the energy is upon me i will be mentally ready, it was my weakness of the mind in the first place that allowed me to be overwhelmed. So I say to you this, do not let this world overwhelm you, or run in fear from the gifts you are given, embrace them, discern the truth from the lies unbiased and stick to the truth steadfast, know we are all in this together, never alone, and at the end of the day, aside from things we can never dream of comprehending such as god, etc. the only person you have to answer to is yourself, love and be happy, let it spread like a virus upon mankind.
connor1 connor1
1 Response Jan 5, 2013

I believe what society calls mental illness many times is a very sensitive soul unable to make sense of it all for lack of understanding and good moral direction . Sounds like you now have a handle on your life and are moving in a positive direction

Ps what is an "infj"

thankyou for your input, a infj is a personality type based off the myers briggs test. Interesting enough test, was pretty spot on in my case have you taken it?