After Death.

A week ago, I found my husband after he killed himself. Everyone was devastated. I was so scared and feared that I would no longer be able to afford to stay in our home. I really really want to stay here, because it is like is heart and spirit are a part of the walls and everything. I didn't want to leave here, leave him so completely behind. But I knew I would have to have some kind of new life since he is no longer here. It took a lot of crying and thinking, and more crying and talking, and more thinking. But I think I have it figured out. This has also helped me understand a lot more about myself. Marriage and serious relationships are just not what I want. Everyone I have ever gone out with....after that first stage of excitement and your heart fluttering, with will he hold me hand, will he sit close, will he kiss me, all those things that are just exciting has faded into a normal relationship I have always gotten tired of it and left for a new feeling of excitement. So I decided that no more married, no more steady boyfriends. Just good friends, good enough guy friends that I can keep having that exciting feeling without going steady and having it go away. If there is a heaven I know my husband would be waiting there for me, so even I do change my mind about wanting a boyfriend, I will definitely never get married again.

Then yesterday night. My husband's cousin came over to sit with me. He sat with me for many hours a couple days ago. And I started to get kind of a crush on him. Well, that's what I want, a crush with a possibility of something happening but no chance of it getting serious. And well......right around the time he was going to start to prepare to go home I took my sleeping meds because I was afraid that as soon as he left I might start to get sad again. The medicine started to take effect before he left and well....to put it simply......under the influence (which I don't consider a bad thing) I kinda tried to jump his bones. And he wasn't totally against it, but he did kind of keep stopping himself, I guess being my husband's cousin would have something to do with that. But I did mange to get one good kiss out of him before he left. And that confirmed it, yes indeed, that is exactly the type of relationships I want to have from now on. And even though that happened we can still be just normal friends. I thought about it seriously for a long time and yes, that is all that I want, no more. So after all that has happened I think I have a good chance of being happy living by myself for the rest of my time.
katnipkitkat katnipkitkat
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I understand you want to save a special place in your heart for your husband. But I also hope you love again :)

I think I can love again. But I don't want to tie myself to just one person again.