So i was at a concert last night in a city near my hometown. It was my brother's favourite band I was with my mum dad and brother. I have been to this city many times and I plan to move there soon. I have been to the venue before I know the area. I was crippled with anxiety and paranoia from the start of the day as I had seen some faces I didn't want to see and it reminded me of some bad stuff from a while back. The two bongs of weed before I went didn't help. bottom line, why the **** am I paranoid with my mom dad and brother. I felt so alone last nite in a field of 11000. I have battled depression since I was around 24 actively but I feel I have been fighting it without knowing since maybe as far back as high school. Last night made me feel very suicidal as I struggle with paranoia and severe social problems. I asked my dad to book a mountain in for a walk in the next couple of days. I'm gonna tell him how i feel, but ask him to keep it from my mom. She does not understand or can't be ****** with me. I will assure him I wont do it, but I have to tell someone as its pretty bad now. Starting to lose hope about my brain ever being able to shut down.
I also believe I am a far better person than alot of people's opinion I value so dearly. I have a live and let live attitude and would happily walk around with no ego if I could but i find it hard to drop it. the reputation I have in this small town is terrible and it drags me down daily.
The rep might be worse in my mind.
today I plan to lie about all day and do **** all but watch documentarys and get high. Should stop the weed. Gonna start exercises for ankle n back.

sonny277 sonny277
22-25, M
1 Response Aug 20, 2014

Had a good night after I left my room. Felt kind of stupid this morning, wish I didn't have to be para at times. Feeling hopefull for tomorrow tho😝😝 yesterday was probably a 9. Today was a 3😜. Good end up. Didn't do exercises, should have.