Need Advice After 25 Years Married & Now He Wants Out

I would like to know what anyone else in my situation would do. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. Last year I discovered he was texting a woman he works with at least 500 times per month!! I was shocked, I asked him about her and he immediately said "I am not having an affair, she is only a friend." That was 18 months ago. In that time he has said he "thinks" we should probably divorce as we are both unhappy. That was the first I had heard of being unhappy. I immediately started getting finances in order and checking out worth of home to sale etc... this was a year ago. Nothing has been said since. I do not work outside the home and haven;t for several years, per his request. All kids are way grown and gone. I don't know if he still wants a divorce or not..I haven't asked. I have us in the position to sell our home in the spring 2011 and all credit cards will be paid off at that time. He will have to pay alimony of several hundred dollars per month, split all 401-k, pension and savings (I did check wth a lawyer when he first mentioned divorce)... and I have to find health insurance, as there is maintenance and minimal health issues. All of this is very scary for me, and I am not sure if I should just keep going along or ask him if we are still splitting?? Please know that we have been living like roommates since I discovered all of this, I will not sleep with a man who is thinking of someone else. My daughter wants me to move to her city and buy a condo...I have been married all of my life, this was my second marriage, and I am 53 years old. It might be a little scary but living alone does not concern me.... I have stayed in shape and retained the same size I was 25 years ago, but NO WAY will I ever remarry. Please guys, some helpful advice would be appreciated.
xxex xxex
11 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Communication is your answer. Life is full of relationships. Couples, parents, friends, etc. A relationship is 2 people who are communicating. The question to ask, is, at what level of communication are each of your relationships and are they appropriate. You don't divorce because you mis-interpret or mis-understand each other. The only way to be on the same page is to practice Collaborative Communication preferably together, but definately get this education for yourself no matter what. Your life will change to the good very fast as you control your own perception and actions within your reality. Beliefs, Expectations, Boundaries and Structure. Communication is knowing the difference between thoughts and feelings and expressing them seperately on each issue or situation as well as past actions that did not work as a resolution and new actions one is willing to take to achieve attonement. Listening is the most important part of communication and how we listen. Repeat what you hear your partner saying, you will be suprised how often the other person is off base, just as how often we are off base. Be compassionate and empathetic. Understand the person you are relating with was formed long before they met you. As are a lot of emotions, that in turn will insert themselves in all situations. You will be left with a choice??? Do I become defensive??? Or will I take advantage of an opportunity to become more intimate and get closer.? I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 25 YEARS AS WELL AND COLLABORATIVE MARRIAGE SKILLS ONE AND TWO HAVE ALLOWED ME TO RENEW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP BEING WITH GOD. ALL THE OTHERS FALL WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS...

i am so sorry< i have been married 25 year then he tells me, i have made him miserable his whole marriage, i was happy so how hard was that? very, we have 4 children that are the most wonderful happy kids. He has been miserable and we (meaning me and my kids) didn't even know it. we just thought he was mad all the time, not knowing he was sick of us. it hurts and makes you think your whole life has been (****)!!!!!!!!! all the time you've made love, kissed, hugged and shared life stories< knowing he has never cared? 25 f***ing years WOW not what i wanted to hear.

Just know this. No one makes us feel anything. We allow or fight feelings that automatically arise within us. First of all you never blame yourself for how someone else feels. You can only own your own attitude and behavior. Sounds to me like he is going through a mid-life crisis full of his self made pitty party with a bad case of pull his head out of his *** and grow up. Learn to be grateful for what you have and most even feel very blessed with what we have. ITS NEVER YOUR JOB TO READ MINDS AND JUST KNOW ANYTHING. THATS CALLED A WILD GUESS. YOUR JOB IS TO COLLABORATIVELY COMMUNICATE, AND LISTEN...

Hi, hope you are now happy after 3 years. I am now finding myself in your position after 28yrs of marriage. Hope it gets better.

I'm not one to give advice, being that I have been in a affair for the better part of my 25 year marriage...however...I do relate to the signs of texting, hiding the phone, taking long lunches, the wife not being able to get in touch with me...if these are signs, yes, then more than likely he is cheating on you.<br />
Look, if he wants to go, don't just tell him, "there are no locks on the door"<br />
It is scary out there - I'm affraid to walk out, but for me, I just want her to get her strength back, get family support, for her to know that I will support her no matter what..........but yes, people are scared of change.<br />
But please do yourself a favor - don't beg him or try to convince him to stay, becuase he will rebel even more against you. I know. My attitude was, "fine, if you want me around, and you don't have the strength to let me go and I can't seem to walk out knowing you are this weak - sure, I will stay, but I'm going to do what i want." Oh, and I will be home on time every day as to not raise suspicion, but just know, "I'm not happy here."<br />
It would be best to try to convince him to go, "yes, you should go! When can we meet with the Lawyer? Lets go this weekend - things will work out for the best."<br />
Someone said in an eariler post, "LIFE IS SHORT"

I Just think if your man is cheating on his wife it's because he doesntlove her anymore!!!! Im 37 years old woman and I will never be with someone who doesnt love me or is chearing on me!!! Why trying to work thing out??? If they did once they are still gonna do it.. I feel sooo sorry for all those woman who want to save the're marriage.. there is not to save, just move on.. life is there, May is God showing that is someone better for you.. All the pain is temporary... God will never give you anything you can't handle..

I'm 50 and have 2 sons in high school. My husband is a contractor. Last year I noticed some inappropriate texts from a woman who is his client. He said that she is like that with everyone, she is very friendly and I didn't think much of it. My husband was going out alot with his brother and friends drinking while I stayed home with the kids letting them have friends over etc.. Long story short last fall I saw a cell phone with text messages from this woman talking about me and the problems we have etc. Then there were texts that she loved him and he loved her. She is divorcing. He said he wanted the marriage so we tried to work it out but then this past February I discovered he was still communicating with her. We are in consuling trying to work it out but honestly I'm not feeling it right now. I haven't worked in a long time and am afraid but at this point I will go out on my own. It is a horrible feeling to have your spouse cheating on you in every way. My experience has been if there is texting/calling going on there could be more to it. I wanted to save my marriage but at this point I don't trust the man at all. He ruined everything we had. We had a good marriage.

I have just about your same circumstance... I'm 50. I still workout,.....haven't worked outside the home in 17 yrs.. we've been sleeping separately for yrs also,.when he does come home home we fight, he drinks @ least a 12 pk when he gets home....he's usually says he working,... & is gone for days @ a time.. I found a text over 2 yrs ago he sent to his co-worker.. that he loved her... but denied how it was meant... pretty sure he's still w/ her...don't know where to begin again..I still have 2 sons in h.s.... I was a bartender before him can't go back to that....... he never wanted me to work..... yesterday,.. went to visit a girl friend I haven't seen in 2 yrs..he used this excuse & said he was leaving.. packed up... he was very drunk... I can't do this anymore., I didn't get married to be alone,... but I won't ever do this again !!.. don't know how to begin this.. cuz of my kids in school... please tell me so far how it's worked for you...beast of luck.. God Bless.

Okay, this is from a 50 year old man's point of view who has been married 25 years. Yes, if he has 500 texts per month something is going on. It may be an emotional affair or a sexual affair or both, but they're more than bowling partners. The truth may well be that he loves the attention. Yet, as with all 'bait' there's a terrible 'hook'. That being said, my own wife became increasingly disinterested in doing things with me. She wasn't doing things with anyone else, just was doing nothing. At the suggestion of her and a good friend, and against my thoughts of 'nothing good would come of this', they said have a female friend to go to cultural events with. Well, the woman was in her 30's stunning and had a great line of crap: fidelity is important, trust is all that matters, etc. Make no mistake, it was to 'soften ' me up. Then, after gong to the ballet she tells me ,"you 'get me". It was all I could do to get her out of the car and on her way. Believe, you, me, I wanted her in the worst way, yet knew it would end terribly. I never cheated, got my wife a health review with good doctors, off the anti-depressants (which turned out were a misdiagnosis for 14 years) and fought to get her healthy. Thinks aren't perfect, they're getting there. As for the younger gal: she was having sex with a lot of men, viewing them as 'conquests'. She's now divorced, her ex has custody of the children. At least two other marriages dissolved in her wake as well. She's miserable, a borderline alcoholic and worse. In my case, I knew the answer was not found with another woman. It rarely is.<br />
You have to get some counseling, because the marriage is important. And, besides that, regarding affairs, if they'll will do it for you, they'll do it too you.

You should also know that he seems to be going through a mid-life meltdown...he wants to learn to surf...he bikes in races etc.. he wants to camp out and learn to raft. All of these are new for him, he has never done things like this until he hit 50. The only thing missing at this point in the "little red convertible". Any other wives going through similar alterations with their hubbies?? It wa after he started his "new workout" he met his new "friend from work" and decided we were unhappy. I would do a few activities with him, but I am NEVER asked.

We were married 9 years and divorced...we had been high school sweethearts, but still remain friendly.

Did your first husband died or you just had a divorce?"