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Divorce After 25 Years Of Marriage

I am getting divorced after 25 years of marriage and I hate it.  My husband s 15 years older than me but the age difference has nothing to do with our problems.  He actually looks younger than most men my age and is very handsome with little grey hair (not that that matters).  This was his second marriage.  People ask me why are we getting divorced?  There isn't just one glaring reason.  No infidelity that I know of on his part.  No reason not to trust him.  We have 2 daughters 16 & 18 who we have raised to be really great girls.  They attend private school and seem to be very well grounded in life so far. 

So what's the problem?  For one, my husband is very self-centered.  He has what I call rules, he calls preferences, for things.  For instance he prefers the house be kept a certian way, meals be cooks a certian way etc...  I can't say any of his preferences are unreasonable but it seems that once I adapt and settle in then the preferences change.  This has been the pattern since day one.  We have very limited things in common, although we are both Christians and very active in our church throughout our entire marriage.  However, even that has been seperate.  We didn't serve together in any capacity.  He always chose male ministry activities like prison ministry, Gideon's Ministry and other areas that I did not have interest in or calling too.  I did Women's Ministry Chair, founded a MOPS (Mothers of Pre-School International) in our church and then worked for MOPS International on a state level to help support and start groups throughout our state.  I supported his ministry work by making phone calls for him, cooking dinner for his jail minstry buddies every week before they went etc...  He failed to see the importance of the women's ministry/mops work.  Constantly said I was putting my work before him and our family.  He said this because he didn't want me working in the evenings once he was home but with him home playing with our girls when they were small was the block of time that worked best for me to make phone calls do internet work etc...  We still did a lot of family time together.

I had also walked away from my career in Purchasing Adminstration and making $32k annualy 19 years ago to stay home to raise my children.  That was the one thing we both agreed on.  However, once I stayed home with the girls things changed. He was no longer helpful around the house, everything became MY full responsibility because I "wasn't working" any longer.  I am a very hard worker.  We also added 2200 sq feet to our house while living in it.  Not only did I help with the build but since we did it with the help of extended family , I cooked daily for everyone, cleaned up all this messes all the while chasing two toddlers around and keeping them safe from the construction hazards.  Later it was me and a friend that resurfaced our hard wood floors, did house maintenance, etc...  I'm not complaining about all the hard work. I actually enjoyed it but I received no credit for it from him.  He is very critical in subtle, not mean agressive ways, and just didn't see how that was hurtful to me.  In hindsight I can see that he is actually like that with everyone and it's just not me, but that doesn't make it any easier to live through.

He is a fun guy, makes people laugh, very smart and admired by our friends but very controlling.  He made over $100K salary yet we lived on about $36k per year.  I was only allowed to spend $200/month as my spending allowance.  That had to include gas, incidentals for me and the girls, entertainment etc.. and since I had to make two 52 mile roundtrips daily to take and pick up the girls from their private school most of that was used up.  Now going through the divorce I still have no idea about our fiances. We lived debt free.  No mortgage, no car loans.  Paid cash for the things we needed or wanted.  Money went into his retirement and annunity funds.  Still there seems to be some that is not accounted for.  He now has to pay me support but wants me to accept a settlement offer from him that would end that.  (I'm not!)

He showed me little respect, gratitude and love, yet I was to think he was the best thing since sliced bread.  He is an all or nothing kind of guy.  When  he did do nice things for me, and he did,  they were VERY nice but when it was just the every day life he would just let it slide by until the next BIG thing.  I do love him.  Never thought I'd ever be divorced but not that my girls are older I just couldn't live like this anymore.  So when I tried to talk to him about our relationship problems yet again he made the usual "Why don't you just go get divorce papers?" comment, so I did.  We were fortunate that my parents home that is now used as rental property was available so I moved there with our youngest daughter when we seperated.   We have tried counseling since this process started but the counselor was worthless and we have no idea where else to go.  He says he is heart broken and doesn't want a divorce but his actions don't follow his words.  For one example, during our time of counseling he got rid of our queen sized bed and got a single for himself. 

What I wish is that he would be a Christian man and step-up!  If he could just show me respect and love and like I mattered to him we would have someting to work with but not to be busting on him or anything I just don't think his personality lends itself to that.  The changes he would have to make would be major.  I feel like I have changed and changed and changed and will have to continue to do so to stay with him yet I feel like such a failure through this divorce and to my family.  Yikes!

So that is where we are.  Our actual final hearing is on our 25th anniversary.  We are very amicable except when trying to talk about the financial part of this, then he gets angry and says I'm trying to ruin him financially.  I really am trying to be more than fair.  I took nothing with me when we seperated except for my 2002 car with 160K miles on it and my daughters and my personal items.  Family and friends gave me furniture and money to help me us move and get set up in my parents rental.  He has all the furniture, tools, lawn care items, property, house, motorcycle, 2 vehicles etc....  Yet he makes me feel guilty for wanting to make sure I have enough funds to live on.  I'll also have to start buying health insurance for myself.  I just hate being in this position at 50+ years of age. 



georgie624 georgie624 51-55, F 12 Responses Aug 9, 2011

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My wife after 26 years of marriage told me Sunday. Yet she planned a dinner party on Saturday . Told me hasn't loved me for 5 years , yet she tells me everyday. I'm so confused . She is beautiful and hate to loose her. Very sad

Hello, I am getting a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage to my high school sweetheart. It is devastating and I am still trying to process everything. We have four children. My husband has found someone else he wants to be with. Someone who is half our age. He still professes his undying love for me but somehow it doesnt feel like love to me. Not by my definition. I'm in shock, denial and my anger is building. Just looking for somewhere to turn to for support and to gain perspective on everything. Thank you!

Hi my name is Mike the loser, I feel your pain, I was in a 40+ year relationship, married 31 years to someone I never knew. If you don't feel the love, please move on, there's someone for you. Your like me, I want someone that will love me for the way I am, yk, God will make that happen, I didn't read your story, Iv lived it also. I never knew my wife, she's evil!!!! God wants you to move on, don't dwell, it will kill you. The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit,knows your pain, they love you, I love you-the loser. Tom Petty and heartbreakers-even the losers.

Are we married to the same man? Thank you so much for posting your experience. Best wishes to you!

:-)

Good job. It's not easy to move forward by yourself and do things by yourself. You have to be strong and most importantly be independent. Look out for yourself financially and dont give in. Everything in your marriage was accumulated mutually, regardless of who worked or slaved for it, to include kids, etc. Keep focus and about it's about time you did something for you. God bless

He has other money put away, you can bet on it. Have your lawyer check with local banks that have safe deposit boxes.

Also, you're not ruining him financially, it's not HIS money, it belongs to both of you. Same with the assets. It's not ungodly to stand up for yourself. Jesus was angry in the teme and he let others know it. Be strong.

My best and most honest advice would be to take a real long look at the reality of the marriage. Just by your description, it sounds like there never was mutual respect, mutual opportunity, mutual fairness, mutual support or mutual power (that last one is very important). What you really want is a different marriage to the same person. If it was going to be different, it would have been different. I know that sounds obvious, but it's so obvious you might miss it. And if he was going to be different, he would have already been different in 25 years. I can tell you this through real life experience. This year is also my 25th anniversary, and he really is exactly who he has always been, now I just really see it. I'm not crazy at all about what I see. Like I said, sometimes it's so obvious you miss it.

I am sorry to say but he sounds like a narcissistic or sociopathic jerk. You will definitely be better off without him. You sound like a sweet, giving woman - wish you the best.

because the truth is we only live once....I now realized, when we come out from our mother's womb, we do not have pair or parthner..meaning now that I am approaching to fifty and nearly 25 years married to a guy whom I don't know in the beginning..will be over soon..<br />
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so take care and be brave and I can use this advice myself..I just need to put my feet infront of me one at a time.

I have to say I do understand..I feel like I am in the same position will be 51 soon and starting over is extremly difficult...my daughter is grown and married she is fine, I have been married 33 years to a man that has lied to me for years now...guess I was just not educated in Love when I married him when I was 18 years olds...to complicate things we have a business together and it's going to be difficult on all circumstance...but after today I am just ready to wash my hands of him and be DONE with him..he has mentally abused me for years it will take me time just to figure out who the hell I am, its been hard on me with business, stress and this damn marriage, I feel like I have taken care of myself but I'm not getting any younger...and One day before I die I want to feel happiness

it sounds like he has made you very unhappy. This could be a new beginning for you, getting away from this guy. Like you say, he will have to support you whether he likes it or not.

Sorry to hear that, sounds like you guys could be fine as rain if there was just some change on his part. An old friend of mine said "only a coward refuses to make the changes to make his/her life better". I hope you guys can find a solution, seems a shame to dissolve a marriage over something so fixable. If not I hope you take him to the cleaners, I you are losing your wife and money is all you are worried about someone should part you from it. My prayers are with you, enjoy life and find your happiness.