I've Been An At-home Mom For 18 Yrs And Now He Says He Never Loved Me, What Am I Supposed To Do?I met my husband 19 yrs ago and I feel in-love with him immediately. I had already been through a bad marriage and was certain I would never find love, that I wasn't meant to ever be loved. My previous husband was emotionally abusive and in the end, physically abusive, so I was not willing to trust another person again. Then I met this kind and sweet man. He seemed so attentive and caring, someone who could never hurt another person in anyway. He was the type to give the shirt off his back if you asked him. It wasn't hard to fall in love with him. I knew within the first month he was my soul-mate. I even convinced myself he could actually feel the same.
We spent all our free time together and even tried to see each other every chance we could when we'd be at work; we had opposite work schedules. Our relationship was very passionate and we could talk about anything and everything, which we did. About 6 months after we started seeing each other I became pregnant and we decided to marry a few months later; by then I had convinced myself we were meant to be, we were soul-mates.
The first 10 yrs I thought were great. We had 2 beautiful girls. There were ups and downs, but for the most part we still had the passion and a great sex life. He then had an affair 8 years ago and it devastated me, but I still believed our love was strong enough to survive. The last 8 yrs had been hard, I had problems with depression and we went through a lot more ups and downs dealing with his affair. Counseling was hard because of his job as a soldier; we never could seem to get into counseling, but I thought a year and a half ago we were finally on our way back.
I finally was working with a counselor on my own and working through my depression and anger. I was learning to forgive him, but then he left again for another deployment and when he returned I could really feel his distance again. Six months ago he finally told me he didn't know if he loved me or if he ever really did. He was not attracted to me and he found himself often wanting to sleep with other women. He didn't want to divorce just yet, we'd wait 4 yrs so I had time to get school and a career and give our children time to finish high school and not have to go through the pain of divorced parents.
He agreed to start his own counseling to help him figure things out. In the meantime he had been texting and chatting with a female he had met overseas. He said they were just friends and that nothing had ever happened or would ever happen between them, but he also admit he was attracted to her. His contact with her has been a constant issue for me and an issue between us that he has not understood, since he was supposed to be going through counseling to try and figure things out...what he wants, how he feels, etc.
He finally told me last night that he has never loved me and only married me because I was pregnant. If I had not been pregnant he would have never married me. He doesn't hate me but hates himself for agreeing with all the stupid things I've wanted to do. He says he doesn't blame me for anything, but blames himself for allowing it all and not just saying he didn't want any of it. He doesn't regret our children, but doesn't want to be with me because he doesn't love me and never did.
Ok, what can I say. It's not like I'm being given any choices in this matter. I have no other choice but to accept that my life for the last 18+ yrs has been nothing more than a lie. The only good I can see now of those yrs is my children, but now what am I supposed to do. I have been an at-home mom and an Army wife; while I cherish the time I got with my children it does not help in terms of my resume. I have been applying for 100's of jobs for the last 2 yrs and have only even gotten called 3 times for even an interview. I keep hearing the same thing over and over, "So, you haven't done anything for the last umpteen years?"
I took care of his children, the finances (although now he says that I have done a horrible job with that), his home, all so he could do his job as a soldier and not have to worry about anything else and now I'm going to be left out in the cold. No income and no way to get a job because employers see me as someone who has done nothing. I have a Bachelor in Psychology and its not worth anything. I keep trying to go back to school for anything at this point and can't seem to get in anything that will support me later. Even if I get into school, how do I support myself now? How do I get work now?
I've become a nobody...invisible...worthless
luvylady 36-40, F 6 Responses 2 Jan 17, 2013