I've Been An At-home Mom For 18 Yrs And Now He Says He Never Loved Me, What Am I Supposed To Do?

I met my husband 19 yrs ago and I feel in-love with him immediately. I had already been through a bad marriage and was certain I would never find love, that I wasn't meant to ever be loved. My previous husband was emotionally abusive and in the end, physically abusive, so I was not willing to trust another person again. Then I met this kind and sweet man. He seemed so attentive and caring, someone who could never hurt another person in anyway. He was the type to give the shirt off his back if you asked him. It wasn't hard to fall in love with him. I knew within the first month he was my soul-mate. I even convinced myself he could actually feel the same.

We spent all our free time together and even tried to see each other every chance we could when we'd be at work; we had opposite work schedules. Our relationship was very passionate and we could talk about anything and everything, which we did. About 6 months after we started seeing each other I became pregnant and we decided to marry a few months later; by then I had convinced myself we were meant to be, we were soul-mates.

The first 10 yrs I thought were great. We had 2 beautiful girls. There were ups and downs, but for the most part we still had the passion and a great sex life. He then had an affair 8 years ago and it devastated me, but I still believed our love was strong enough to survive. The last 8 yrs had been hard, I had problems with depression and we went through a lot more ups and downs dealing with his affair. Counseling was hard because of his job as a soldier; we never could seem to get into counseling, but I thought a year and a half ago we were finally on our way back.

I finally was working with a counselor on my own and working through my depression and anger. I was learning to forgive him, but then he left again for another deployment and when he returned I could really feel his distance again. Six months ago he finally told me he didn't know if he loved me or if he ever really did. He was not attracted to me and he found himself often wanting to sleep with other women. He didn't want to divorce just yet, we'd wait 4 yrs so I had time to get school and a career and give our children time to finish high school and not have to go through the pain of divorced parents.

He agreed to start his own counseling to help him figure things out. In the meantime he had been texting and chatting with a female he had met overseas. He said they were just friends and that nothing had ever happened or would ever happen between them, but he also admit he was attracted to her. His contact with her has been a constant issue for me and an issue between us that he has not understood, since he was supposed to be going through counseling to try and figure things out...what he wants, how he feels, etc.

He finally told me last night that he has never loved me and only married me because I was pregnant. If I had not been pregnant he would have never married me. He doesn't hate me but hates himself for agreeing with all the stupid things I've wanted to do. He says he doesn't blame me for anything, but blames himself for allowing it all and not just saying he didn't want any of it. He doesn't regret our children, but doesn't want to be with me because he doesn't love me and never did.

Ok, what can I say. It's not like I'm being given any choices in this matter. I have no other choice but to accept that my life for the last 18+ yrs has been nothing more than a lie. The only good I can see now of those yrs is my children, but now what am I supposed to do. I have been an at-home mom and an Army wife; while I cherish the time I got with my children it does not help in terms of my resume. I have been applying for 100's of jobs for the last 2 yrs and have only even gotten called 3 times for even an interview. I keep hearing the same thing over and over, "So, you haven't done anything for the last umpteen years?"

I took care of his children, the finances (although now he says that I have done a horrible job with that), his home, all so he could do his job as a soldier and not have to worry about anything else and now I'm going to be left out in the cold. No income and no way to get a job because employers see me as someone who has done nothing. I have a Bachelor in Psychology and its not worth anything. I keep trying to go back to school for anything at this point and can't seem to get in anything that will support me later. Even if I get into school, how do I support myself now? How do I get work now?

I've become a nobody...invisible...worthless
luvylady luvylady
36-40, F
6 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I've been married to my spouse going on 18yrs. We have 3 children, 14,12, and 2. We are a military family, but I remained in one state the last 10yrs due to not agreeing to live the military life. That choice has left me as a single parent for many years now. He visits on the weekends and life with him is extraordinarily difficult to deal with. He is and always has been very angry and is emotionally destructive to this family. He loves us deeply but has too many issues with himself, he says he has no time to deal with on his own. I'm tired of being dragged down and can't help someone who can't help themselves. I'm on my own anyway, just not financially. I do have an LPN license but I haven't worked for several years now as I've taken sole care of the children and home while he's had his military career. I'm not happy and haven't been my entire marriage. I stay for the kids and because I feel sorry for him. I wouldn't have a easy divorce as he doesn't want one, as I've talked about it many times. I desperately need a change and I'm lost on what to do. I hate to disrupt my family but I am becoming physically sick in this relationship. Please help.

I'm in the same boat as you! My hisband just told me the other day that he settled for me because when we got married because I was pregnant. that hurt me so bad. I haven't had a job in years. My husband is a cop. he thinks every thing he does to me is ok.I know he is seeings somebody. I'm trying to keep my faith. Everything you said sounds just like whats going on in my life. I don't know how much more i can take.Goodluck!

Love starts at home! Learn to love yourself again, validate yourself and don't just say your worth it...believe it! We are all worthy of love. True love comes from a child-like place. Not out fears, insecurities, control or a negative place. A return to love was a great book for me. Also why men marry *******....it made me aware of some of my own behaviors. Because at the end of the day the only one we can really change is ourselves. There is no perfect person, if we were there wouldn't be any room for improvements or personal growth. I have to believe that there is always someone out there for us at every point in our lives. Try to put a positive twist on things when possible. What doesn't kill us DOES make us stronger and more fabulous.

Yes I know how depressing. I have been with my ex for 30 years. I gave up developing a career and have lived distant from my family I have no children to cherish and I am on disability. I ended up with a DUI and am trying to make friends but have been let down because I fit on no where. My husband was my only friend. He ran off with someone he used to date before he married me and purchased another home and has her in it. She was married to My family avoids me altogether now that he is gone I have to leave my home and he made out well in the settlement because I was blindsided and I serious trauma I still am I have been to counseling but did not work I also went into hospital ward. Maybe he never really loved me.

You will adjust and find yourself again. I think anyone living with someone who says the very demeaning things you have shared will need time and space to recover their self esteem. Keep your kids close and be kind to yourself.

I have read your story and I would not say sorry to hear that...rather i would say that you are not at any lose cause you are losing someone who has not loved you ever....but you enjoyed the real meaning of love during all these years cause you love him genuinely.Your husband is losing such a lovely wife and I tell you he will repent.Having said this,I would say that start practising law of attraction.I would recommend you to read "the secrets" and believe me it works.And life is not all about male and female relationship....there is so much to do in this world.Start afresh with new hopes and new passion...who knows something is amazing awaiting for you:).Write all your fears and hurt feelings and flush it in toilet and say "its all gone now" you are free and rejuvenated to start afresh:) gear up!!