Divorcing In Midlife

After 25 years I'm now starting a divorce.  This is my only marriage so the divorce is a whole new experience for me.

Our relationship had been more of a friendship than anything else for a long time, but I was thinking that this was as good as it was going to be for me from here on out.  I met some people on another web site and became attracted to one person in particular.  My wife found out and that was the beginning of the end of the marriage.  Nothing ever became of the online friendship; in fact she won't even talk to me anymore after getting hate mail from my wife.

I made mistakes for sure, but things were not good for a long time -- and I denied myself the fact that my needs were being neglected.  I'll be filing the divorce papers this week, so the fun is just beginning.

I hope that in a year or so from now I'll be in a much better place emotionally than I am now.

Patrick52 Patrick52
51-55, M
12 Responses Feb 7, 2009

and: are you?

Welcome to the club. This is all new to me too. A very scary feeling to be sure. Good luck.

You must be strong and know what is best for you no matter what everyone else around you is saying. Deep down inside you do know what is best for you. I dont believe in ending a a marriage over silly issues and sometimes even an affair can be worked out. Be true to yourself first and foremost. Dont give up and dont give in to what everyone else tells you to do.

I separated from my husband of 25 years right after starting a new job. I have been on my own in a cute little apartment for 4 months now. I knew the end was coming for awhile and had a private checking account already set up, the statements were all online, so there was no paper trail. I had an ATM and direct deposits from my paycheck. I had a spacebag packed with a weeks worth of clothes and some toiltries as well as important papers (birth certificates, marriage license, passport, credit cards, copy of the last tax statement on the house). I had already been looking into rental property in my desired neighborhood and had them text me when a place became available. I had been saving cash from my meager allowances by cutting corners for the past year. I saved all the gift cards that I had recieved as gifts, and all of the change laying around the house. When the time came for me to go, I went to bed just like any other day. But as soon as my husband left for work, I went into action, packing everything up just as I had planned. THEN I called the Crisis Center in my community and set up an appointment right away. I did not want to be swayed. Since my kids were all grown, I had no one to worry about but myself. I have had no desire to see him or talk to him since I left and I DO feel a little bad about that.

What a sad story, however that I am quite sure there is another side too! Ex wives are not always the crazy ones.. and cheating, lying, and taking a home away for someone is fairly nasty stuff, so if your not guilty over one thing you are quite guilty of being a JERK! Hope you have nothing to worry over, if you lie in all areas of your life well you have much to be concerned over, and any female with a brain will not get involved with a married man even an unhappy married man so do not blamed your then wife for your failed romance which happened while you were married. <br />
Justice well it gets served sometimes hope your is swift, and your ex has a damn fine attorney < female>!

Dear Rainbow4ever, I am getting ready to start divorce proceedings as well, I have been married for 27 years. My kids also have said in the past why I have stayed. My husband moves as around every couple of years, so we don't make many friends, He acts like the perfect husband and father to everyone on the outside but inside the family he is controlling. He has had multiple affairs, which I have forgiven him for, but found out recently he has done it again. The man is never going to change. My suggestion to you is look up narcissism online. Be very careful when you do leave your husband and make sure you plan your move, I would also suggest you start surrounding your life and kids lives around family and friends. Maybe also get some counseling to deal with the abuse that you and the kids have had. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Hello Rainbow, That is no way to live your life and that of your husband. It is also a mistake to stay in a realtionship for the sake of the children.. you end up doing them more harm than good. You are showing your daughters and sons that is they way marriage is. Children pattern after their parents, thinking that their parents relationship is the norm. I left my relationship of 16 years when my son was one year old because I didnt want him growing up thinking that it was acceptable behaviour for his father to be controlling, yelling and his parents arguing, physical abuse etc.. I figured he wasnt going to change and I didnt want another woman to go through the kind of hell I was going through via my son.<br />
My son hated me for many years.. blaming me for the split for leaning his father. I never told him about his father, he idolised his father. His father would always related all the negative things my son did to me. We had shared custody, because I believed my son should grow up knowing his father.. that the split was between his parents not his relationship with his father.Unbeknown to me, my ex was poisoning my son against me whenever he spent time with his father. However, in his teens he saw his father for he what truly was.<br />
My son is now 18 and he has been living with me for three years, having realized that mum isnt so bad having spent a year living with his father with me out of the country.<br />
What I want you to realise is that staying in your marriage for the sake of your children is not a good reason. If it is as bad as you say, then move out. Would you like your children to live their lives based on the template you and your husband has set-up for them. Let them know what it to live in a healthy loving relationship; to see you happy. <br />
I stayed because he threatened to kill himself, but he was killing me and who I was.. yeah, I believed him. But my son was what helped me to leave. It was hard, but the best thing I ever did in my life. Somehow, you find the strength to make it through life and its great being alive instead of watching your life slip away..<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you, it is your life and you deserve to live the rest of your life being happy and finding your true potential.<br />
<br />
I will be marrying for the first time later this year.. he is a wonderful man who appreciates me for who I am and helps me to grow and reach my potential.

I am almost married for 25 years. I am thinking to divorce him. He is very controlling, very hot temper. He does not like and always tried to stop my social with my friends, even the phone calls, even friends come from far away city, he does not want me to hang out. Controlling my spending, even the grocery shopping! Turning me down on a lot of thing I do. I can not talk to him anything bothering me with him. I am always the one to be criticized, doing things wrong. Hardly ever think about my feeling on sexual life, just came and done. Not even think about helping on house works, on kids things. <br />
<br />
I wanted to divorce him for a long time, but worry about my kids. My two older kids have asked me why I allowed him treat that bad, why I dont divorce him. I needs some advice.<br />
<br />

wow thats horrible. i wish you the best! stay strong, hun.

I too am sorry to read your story. You are making the right choice for you and also for your wife and sorry it has come to this. The thing, the thought of it coming to and end is threatening to her not that it excuses her behaviour. All too often, people get comfortable in a relationship and just exist instead of living. <br />
<br />
Damned if they will do something to improve the relationship but damned if they will to make it easier or to just walk away and start afresh.<br />
<br />
I have never been married, but I have been in two long term relationships that pretty much amounts to almost 30 years. <br />
<br />
I believe at the end of it all, our life is short.. live it for yourself if nothing else is going to change if neither partner is growing together or contirbuting to each others happiness.. then what is the point of living a death sentence in a relationship that is dead..<br />
<br />
So, I wish you love and happiness! Live and love as if there is no tomorrow! hahaha - young at heart.. Yes, I believe in love and romance.. I also believe in the institution of marriage...

Here's an update...<br />
<br />
I have filed for divorce. Just getting my wife to sign the petition became a huge ordeal. First she signed without notarizing it, then she sat on it for a couple of weeks before finally cooperating.<br />
<br />
She wanted to deliver the signed papers to me and pick up some of her belongings here at the house (I'm living in the house we've shared because she can't afford it herself). I agreed to have her come over. She used the opportunity to pepper spray me. I called the cops but they let her go -- she claimed that she was defending herself. I should say that I've never threatened or laid a finger on this woman in my life, nor would I.<br />
<br />
She has gotten into the house several times while I haven't been here against my wishes. I finally had to change the locks to keep her out, but apparently she used one of these unauthorized "visits" to plant child *********** in the house and then tell the police where to find it. The cops executed a search warrant and confiscated my computers and cameras, and I've had to hire a criminal defense lawyer at great expense to defend myself against this setup. All of this because I wanted to divorce her and try to reestablish my life.<br />
<br />
Clearly my wife has mental issues that are going untreated, but the way the law works under these accusations is to assume that I'm guilty and have to prove my innocence. All I can say is prepare yourself for some crazy behavior if you're ending a long-term relationship -- I never thought that I'd ever be in a situation like this.

I was married 21 years the first 10 years were good then my ex husband changed. he started asking for partners in bed and I slowly withdrew from reality. I was scarred nieve and would not beleive he was cheating till finally I snapped and almost suceeded in killing myself. He used guilt for 2 years on me saying he would not have cheated if I hadn't tried to kill myself. When he started all over again asking for partners and one night as we tried to make love he said I had dream about u me and this other women he knew if it wasn't for one of my gfs I prob would have tried killing myself again but instead I withdrew till I wal;ked out on him. It was hard and scarry but best thing I ever did for myself. My ex had his gf move in shortly after I moved out and before we were even divorced he was engaged. So my point is it takes two to make a marriage work and two to ruin it. Mine was I withdrew emotionally and physically and my ex he just was a plain old cheater. <br />
<br />
Ps I found out my ex cheated more then once during the marriage but no one told me because I would not have beleived it.