I Wish If I Could Found The Real Motivation (the One With A Lot Of Adrenaline)...

What to say...

Yes I am older and still haven't fullfill not a half of what I thought that I would until I reach 37 (almoust 38)...

I have always been a motivation and power to other people and they all think that I am strong.

However, after all this that happened to me (betrayel, rejections etc) I don't have enought strength and motivation even for myself...

 

OK, I will be honest.

I have never married...and it is not because I didn't want to, it is just because I give my heart to someone who never asked me, who (at the end I know) never wanted to have kids with me and who finally (I found out recently) had an affair and he has just (i think) started another one.

So, what could I do?

I decided that it is time to leave and to be alone again...

Although I have been alone all this time.

 

Well he was, as probably many mans are, very selfish. I was always trying to make him happy but he didn't appreciate it.

His way of living forced me to change my wishes, habits etc (although I strugled until last year).

At one point of time, I thought that if I don't change...that I will loose him (and I didn't wanted that...I still don't, although it is all over), so I stopped traveling, going out with friends and learning, .....etc.

Now, I am all alone and without any wish and hope in future.

I read a post from some 37-guy that he is dating again.....

At least he had his 5 lovely years.

i didn't have none.

And I don't think I am bad....I always try to help people and motivate them.

I never talk about my fears and troubles.

I have never talked about my sadness and lonelyness because I know people do not want to listen such things.

 

I would really like to start over again.

To meet new people, new friends.

And ok, if I didn't deserve a loving relationship and children, I believe that I should at least be happy.

What have I done wrong?

;(

 

Thank you for reading of my post.

 

C.

countbe countbe
36-40, F
Feb 20, 2010