Starting Over, Finding My PathI'm starting over, looking for the place I call home for the first time in my adult life.
Everywhere I have lived before was just a place to eat and sleep and kinda hang out. It never really felt like home.
Part of starting over had to do with needing to get away from people that were just wrong for me and my life, but a good deal more of it had to do with I needed to find somewhere I felt more at home, somewhere I knew I could spread my wings and finally just be me.
It's nice where I am - when you don't have physical disabilities making life a little harder. This city is just not caught up with accessibility yet, which is just unbelievable in this day and age but sadly it's the truth.
I tried working with people here to change it but no one seems interested. Especially apartment building owners.
Yet he of all people should care considering, that the majority of the people that live in or move to this area are elderly and disabled because it has most of what's needed by everyone in one area.
Oh well.. I'm counting down the day until my two months sentence in this pit of despair is up and I finally get out of here.
But part of me is also holding my breath. In that two months I also have to manage to find an apartment. An accessible one, in Kitchener.
Accessible in this case means automatic doors so I can get in and out of the building unaided and not be forced into the life of a shut in again.
With an elevator - two preferably, or a main floor apartment.
Everything else I can work around.
But I can not drive my scooter or wheelchair down a set of stairs, or through a door I can not open.
Sounds simple, but it's not unfortunately.
That was the big push of my needing to get out of here and just be able to start again.
To start again and not be forced into being a shut in for 6-7 days a week most weeks.
To be away from people who criticise me under the false "this isn't a criticism but" yeah it is, you just can't man up and admit it.
Someone who constantly goes on about how my stuffs not nice enough, yet neither is any of theirs, it's called living under the poverty line.
Someone who can tell me I am doing things wrong, just because it's me doing it instead of someone else.
Yet through all that they expect me to be there whenever they need me or suddenly want me around.
I just couldn't do it any more. My shoulders were too heavy and I could find no reasons to be happy any more.
I hated life, I wasn't smiling, or laughing anymore. Instead it was day after day of rolling my eyes at comments that sound like they are coming from a twelve year old or trying to forget harsh criticisms that I had no reason to be receiving.
After I got sick, I started to really think about things.
I never got sick before, not like this. Suddenly, there was a dozen and things wrong with me all at once and I know a lot of it had to do with my lifestyle at the time.
I was existing. Not happy, not living - just here.
I was healthy, and a healthy eater, my diet was something I took pride in and it all went by the curb side.
My mental health suffered. I started drowning in my Bipolar disorder.
Finally, after 6 months of suffering and coming up with some answers to my health problems. I was back on the path to recovery.
I was trying to not be bitter, about what got me there. As much blame as there is to toss around, some of it is also mine for not being strong enough to let someone take me down like that.
I knew the only way things would get better - completely would be by my breaking away from toxic people and breaking the cycle.
Staying here, empty apologizes would come out and in the end nothing would change and I would be right back where I started.
I wasn't doing that to myself.
Not this time.
I got smart about moving this time.
I researched my cities of choice - which occurred as a crazy happy accident and ended up being perfect.
I mapped out all my important locations via Google so I knew the best areas for me to be living.
I was not going into this unprepared.
I also contacted every agency I thought could help me and then some.
I'm nervous to be moving into a city where I will no absolutely no one but at the same time. It's exactly what I need.
I've already looked around and plotted where I could enjoy taking activities I love, and it turns out the same centre offers a lot more that I would love to dive right into.
Moving somewhere new also means I have to nip my shyness in the butt and try to meet people.
It means all the things I wanted to do for a long time but here was just never the place.
Starting over for me; also means finding me. My traditions, my life. Things that are important to me.
I have this bad habit of getting so wrapped up in people that I almost never think of myself, I'm working to change that.
I decided that once I am settled and content in my new place and I've gotten a few things checked off on my personal improvement list then and only then will I contemplate dating.
Right now it's got to be all about me and fixing me.
It's not an easy choice to make, starting over, but I know this one is one of the best decisions I have made.