Not There Yet

There have been many things happening in my life since I have last written. I have met a new soul mate and lover. She is hard to describe becase we connect so well. In some ways our relationship is complicated because our love is so deep and it came about so fast. In other ways it is simple as neither of us claims to be the solution to the other's problems. We are just who we are and we connect very well.

Other things have changed. My son after some very wild mood swings is on some new medication and is acting like a human being again (at least as much as any 17 year old). He told my wife about my girlfriend and has threatened to tell her my girlfriend sleeps over once in a while as well. I no longer care about such things so the treats do not matter to me. We are starting to connect again which is good. My 21 year old son has lost his job in another state and may be moving back as well.

My second D-day is coming July 1 when my stbx comes back from her sister's house to live with her mother on the other side of town. She has asked me to leave the house for a weekend so she can get her things. I think a much better idea is to put her stuff in storage so she can pick them up. I hope I can leave her plants and the cat with her mom before then. She has stuck me with the house and its negative 9,000 equity so I will be damned if she will have me move out just so she can pick up her stuff.

I do not understand divorce lawyers, either hers (who is also her sister in law), or mine. The first offer was for me to pay my wife 2,000 in support, the cost of her health care plan and support for our son. This came to almost 3,000 dollars. This amounted to 88% of my net income. Why would any lawyer waste their time or their client's time with such a proposal? When I told my stbx that I would probably have to work a second job just to pay her any support (we were living paycheck to paycheck our entire marriage no matter how much I made), she decided it would be better for her to have custody of our son and for her to keep the house. Originally she was going to leave and give me the house and custody of our son. Then she found out she could not get along with my son even for a short time she decided I should move back and keep custody. Then her offer dropped the 500 support she was asking for but didn't reduce the amount of support she was asking to compensate me for support. So her second offer of 2500 a month was really asking for more of me. The first offer also didn't mention a car. I had told my wife she could keep the only running car we had but that was before I knew she was going to ask for 88% of my net income!

Now there is this big stalemate as her lawyer keeps coming up with lame arguments and I keep giving her hard data to show that no matter how you paint it her offers are out of touch with reality. I am sure my offer to her would exceed anything a judge in court would order me to pay (we are trying for a disilution). Yet she is still stuck on this 2,000 a month, plus medical, plus the car, plus (the latest twist), vision and dental coverage. The first offer was crazy and each subsequent offer asks for more!

Now she has asked to see the finplan numbers. Finplan is (to me), a lame piece of software lawyers use to figure out what the after tax consequences are of different support levels and how the income levels out at different levels. The fact that I can show them a spreadsheet that documents how I cannot possibly live on the amount of income I have left after any of their proposals doesn't seem to faze either of them. They keep discussing the numbers as if there is something to discuss. Are lawyers that clueless about how to figure out a person's net income? I have no real assets and only one job. I gave them my pay stubs and the IRS tax tables are very easy to find on the IRS web site. How hard can it be? If all divorce lawyers need to spend weeks figuring this stuff out I am going to make a killing in consulting fees real soon. I realize they are not accountants as I am but they did go to college didn't they? It is not rocket science! I don't listen to them explain a point of divorce law to me and have to discuss it for weeks to get it through my head. I want to get both of them in a room, slap them both upside the head and tell them 88% of my net income is 88% of my net income. Take your family income, multiply it by .12 and tell me how you would like to pay you present mortgage, utilities, food, car payments and upkeep, insurance and other expenses with that. Everyone at home in EP land try it and see what the figure looks like and tell me what you think of the prospect of living on that!

The issue is that simple but these over educated knuckleheads are hung up on everything except for the simple fact it would be impossible for me to pay the amount they are asking for. I would become homeless and then they would get nothing. Are all divorces like this????
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15
51-55, M
8 Responses Jun 21, 2012

Wow. This is actually an excellent chronicle of one person's divorce journey. While not all divorces are so acrimonious, I'm sure many are. I'm so sorry about the experiences with the lawyers. Sounds like your wife's lawyer is trying to drive up the cost of your representation (by forcing you to respond to frivolous requests) in order to make it hurt (financially) as much as possible. I see from your later posts that some of this has resolved. Hang in there!

I don't know what state your in..but most are 50% but that also includes what ever she, i would start by challenging my lawyer..and setting some rules..<br />
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no more than 50%..and that includes all the insurance etc..she has to learn to live on what ever that income is. or she gets a job....period.<br />
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And you pack her stuff up..and put it in storage..there is no reason for her to be in the home..she left it..and..... change the locks.

I believe she is only entitled by law to 50% and her request for health and dental insurance is ridiculous. There is no way a judge will allow her to take 80%. I think you should get another attorney who will actually fight for you. If they seem to take their time in this its probably because they are trying to get more money. I have an attorney as well for another matter and the court date keeps getting pushed further away but there is a logical explanation for that. If you give her 80% how can you possibly pay the attorney fees as well?<br />
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You can't afford to work to give all your money to her which is what you will be doing. She is asking for too much and she knows it and her attorney knows it too. She needs a reality check. Its like she's making you pay for moving on with your life and finding someone else. As for your son threatening in regards to your new girlfriend; I would never take threats from my child and he needs to grow up. I'm sorry you are having to go through this but my advice is if your attorney can't get it together and do what you request and what is fair to you, then tell him you will get another attorney. He probably thinks since you've had him awhile you won't switch at this late date but you need to tell him you will because he isn't handling this professionally.<br />
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You don't need this stress in your life, you ex needs to move on and quit trying to make you pay for leaving her and finding someone else. It is my wish that you take this advice because you can't live the rest of your life paying out most of your salary and any judge would agree with me. Your attorney is a dummy!

OmyTV, you asked me to comment ... yikes!<br />
Best advice I can give you is to get the book "Getting Past No". It helped my partner a lot with his 2nd (!!!) divorce negotiations.<br />
As for her picking up her stuff ... Take a lesson from ILIASM member BlueSpruce - be there, and have a neutral third party (friend, off-duty police constable, security guard, you get the drift) present. <br />
Stay calm as you can manage, and just get through this.

She was adamant about no noe touching her stuff so I agreed to let her come the 30th while I was at work.

Could just put it on the curb for her, like my ex did...

Well she is out of the house. Maybe I should change the locks.

That is a thought...

OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh sweetie!!!!!!!! I would NEVER leave the house so she can get her things... that's just a recipe for disaster!!!!!!!!!!!! Either put her stuff in storage like you said or BE THERE while she packs her stuff... :-)

Be there? Yipes that would suck! Storage unit for sure.

I have no recommendations for you. Is your 17 year old the youngest son? <br />
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Idea: Propose to you wife that the only way you could bay that 88% is to move back in. <br />
I didn't say it was a good idea.

She moved away not me. I cannot live with her or reason with her or I would not be divorcing her. I has gotten that bad.

Your numbers are the same as mine!!<br />
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You should stall as long as possible with your son in your care so that you can set a long precedent of you being the full-time parent. Judges tend to favor maintaining the status quo rather than moving a child's domicile suddenly. <br />
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By the way, the answer is yes, the lawyers are really that clueless. They are incredibly greedy too. So make sure that you stall on your own rather than let the lawyer NEGOTIATE on your behalf. <br />
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Be careful if your lawyer uses the word negotiate with you. If you ever agree to let him negotiate on your behalf, you are essentially agreeing to pay your lawyer to play with his telephone all day long and send you a bill for his time. <br />
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There are things you can do to stall without racking up a legal bill. Check out WWW DOT SECRETDIVORCE DOT COM for some more advice.

Ron you are the man! Don't worry about my son. She doesn't want him and he would make her life hell if she got him!

Nolo Press also has excellent books and online resources