An Letter To A Dear Friend Who Wants Me To Salvage My Marriage.She has a borderline personality. It is about the worst, most untreatable mental disorder there is. I got nowhere with the church over the issue and we got counseling many times. I had to go outside of the church to get help. I went to an online support group and everyone said the same thing. Borderlines do not get better because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. I have told her for years she has no idea how she treats other people and is oversensitive to how others treat her. I cannot tell her ANYTHING negative about herself. I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it is not. She has two levels of anger, none and furious. To even suggest that something is her fault or that she needs to change the way she thinks or acts gets her very very angry. It got to the point where I had to lie about how i felt and what I thought about things because she wouldn't accept any other point of view but hers. We even had a counselor from children's services come to our house for a while because of all the trouble we were having with or son. Anytime the counselor even hinted that mom might need to change her thinking or met our son halfway on anything she jumped all over the guy and started telling him how hard she has worked and all of the things she has done or whatever. It was very manipulative and I can't believe she got away with it.
The people in the online support group for borderlines said you have two options, either learn to put up with their behavior the rest of your life or make an exit plan. They say the WORST thing you can do to yourself is hold out any hope they will change because they will not. The only regret I have in hindsight is not leaving her sooner. I put up with way to much abuse and let the kids suffer too much too. My youngest doesn't even want to talk to her. She called once and asked him if he missed her and he told her no. She is convinced I am turning both of the boys against her. The thought that they might be responding to out of there own experience never occurs to her and she would get mad if I even suggested such a thing.
Do you have any idea what it is like to have your kids begging you to either find out what is wrong with mom or to try to change her. They have both told me to "grow a pair" more than once. That feels great let me tell you!
There is no "tough love" with a borderline and there is no two way street. Everything is about them and their fears and how to manipulate other people so they can try to stay in their comfort zone. Read up on it or read some of the stories about people who are borderlines and realize it. It is some chilling stuff. Half the time she is fine but the other half she is noting short of abusive and the two do not even out. I haven't felt emotionally safe in my own house for years. It is that bad. It is like living in a war zone and never knowing when the attack will come. Some times I would come home from work and lie down on the couch and pray for just an hour or two of peace, just some time to rest. Sometimes I got it sometimes i didn't. If you or any of the people who are trying to get me to salvage my marriage had even a small level of understanding what it is like to live with someone like this, you would never tell me to stay.
As far as having my girlfriend live with me I will take the rap for that. We were supposed to be getting a quick disalusion but when her lawyer asked for over 80% of my net income (it is down to 73% now as if that matters), I knew it was going to take a long time to get this thing settled. I am just not going to wait to start my life over. I found someone much faster that I thought would ever happen and it may be the only thing keeping me sane right now. Both Sean and one of my high school friends tell me they can see a big difference in me since I found my girlfriend. I know it isn't biblical but I tried to do the right thing for a long long time and it got me nowhere. I told my wife and will tell anyone else, staying in the marriage was not an option. I would have either killed myself or ended up in a padded cell somewhere. Its no joke, things were that bad.