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Tough Choices

I talked to my oldest son who lives out of state. He has been angry with me about the divorce and about being caught in the middle of everything. His anger has changed based on the circumstance and on his latest talk with my stbx. His views are sometimes contradict themselves and he get very loud and I usually cannot get a word in edgewise when he is like that.
I told him if i had things to do over again I would have done some things differently and he made me swear it was true. The real truth is I made some awful tough choices and to say how I would or would not act if i had to do it all over again is pointless. The hard truth is we never know now what we are going to know later. We all make the best decisions we can with the circumstances we have before us.
My son seems to think if I had not started seeing another woman who now lives with me my wife would have given me better divorce terms. The truth is she has a lawyer and her lawyer is doing what all lawyers do and that is to get the most money they can for their client. I also know that if I could count on my wife to act reasonably I would not be divorcing her. She has always played the role of the victim and she always will.
Now matter what choices I could have made in the past year none of them would take away from the fact that divorce, even under the best of circumstances is a cruel, rotten business. From the first offer I received from her lawyer I could tell they were going to play hardball and nothing I could do would change that. Their first offer for a settlement asked for 80% of my net income. I don't think it had anything to do with how I acted before and after the separation. It was just her attorney trying to get all she could for her client.
It is in the end a business transaction. It is all about dollars and cents now and that is a cold proposition in anyone's book. No matter how you cut it I am paying her to get out of my life. Was it wrong to start my life over before the divorce was final? Yes it was but so was all the abuse i put up with from her for so many years. I owe her the respect and decency any human being deserves but I don't owe her anything as far as loyalty is concerned. I know that sounds harsh and my son will probably never understand it but I learned early on in this mess that in order to survive I was going to have to be a little cold hearted.
I have learned that life is full of difficult awful choices and you have to not only stand up to them but learn to live with them. Part of me looks at what i have done in the past years and says to hell with anyone thinks but part of me wants everyone to accept my choices too. I know that getting everyone's support and understanding is impossible but I wish I could at least get my son to understand.
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15 51-55, M 2 Responses Dec 27, 2012

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If he has good relationship with his mother, he might find it hard to understand you. For him, his mother would always be the victim of her philandering husband. The truth hurts even if you're scapegoat is starting a new life before the divorce. Kids wouldn't understand that. It boils down to the notion that you are leaving his mother for another woman and that's the main reason for divorce.

Yea that is true, it is still hard to accept. thanks for reading.

Based on what I'm reading, I support what you did. I really don't think it was wrong for you to move in with your new girlfriend. Seems reasonable to me. You left an abusive relationship. You moved on with your life, plain and simple. Don't need to justify your decisions to anyone. It is your life, you live it, not them. Life is too short to worry if your choices are making other people happy. You were the one who had to endure the abuse, not them.

What matters most is having trust in yourself. Trust that the decison you make is the best one for you at that time. Don't measure its validity weeks, months, or years later.