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Starved For Affection

I'm a single woman in her 40's who has found herself quite alone after a relationship break up more than a year ago.   Thought I was doing okay with just working, an occasional night out with girlfriends but not much other social activities.  Then one day a friend of a friend that I didn't even really know reached out his arms for me and held me and it felt like the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced in my life!  This made me realize how lacking I am to even have anyone show me affection and how much I miss it and need it and I almost start crying every time I think about the wonderful feeling I had when that person reached out for me.  I can't even explain how good it felt when that person held me - it was like such a huge natural high that I haven't had in years - can't even remember the last time I felt like that - and it happened so unexpectedly. 

It seems to be a different feeling having someone reach out to me than it is for me to reach out and be the one who initiates it - why does it seem so much better when someone else initiates it - I think because I need that validation that someone else really wants to hold/hug me and give me affection- not just giving it to me because I'm asking for it or insisting on it on my own

its so hard being single, alone and starved for affection and I just don't know which way to turn anymore as I'm not into the bar scene and don't really find the idea of joining a singles group or church group appealing although I realize I have to do something....

karenwq karenwq 41-45, F 14 Responses Jun 26, 2009

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Adopt a child.

I know exactly how you feel, but didn't need the surprise factor.
After years of being in a unemotional, non-physical marriage - I finally left and decided the last chapter in my life should be fulfilling.
I do not have children and financially, I am comfortable.
I connected with someone I knew years ago. I am sure I was starved for attention and affection. Unfortunately, it was a heartbreaking false romance and took me time to heal. Time! A few months later I began dating. I knew I needed romance and affection in my life. I received an even bigger blow. I had not considered the discrimination against older women. Couples don't seem to know what to do with you, and men focus on much younger women. It hurt to be told I was "too old" or that my age was an "obstacle". One woman suggested I look into women partners since there are so many alone - REALLY! I was knocked off my feet, realizing the future was bleak for single older women. For many, we might as well be dead, I certainly felt displaced. Dating sights focus on 50's tops (implicitly and explicitly). I was a professional women, still energetic, curious about life.
Humans are wired to be social but superficial social relationships aren't enough. It's tough living without touch - no hand holding, hug, kiss, sex. I miss the spontaneity of having someone to take a drive with, have a meal with, just laugh with over coffee or a glass of wine, share a sunset. It seems I have to arrange for lunch 6 weeks in advance and even then, it may be cancelled.
I wanted an "A" grade life and didn't realize only "C-" was socially acceptable.
I am resilient - but I also have to be realistic. Is this it?

i wonder if i am trying to find affection here online? or am i trying to find a solution to my starvation? enigmatic paradox i guess.

Its the unexpected that made that hug seem so special and I am sure it was. The worst thing you could do is go into a relationship with the notion that this person is going to change everything for you. The reality is, you need to find a common ground for yourself, find happiness in yourself. Then if you are fortunate enough to find that person who is as well then you have it made. I wish you all the luck and the many hugs possible.

Hi Karen, are you still there?<br />
Will

Hi Karen WQ<br />
I feel just like you do,<br />
I never get enough affection and Im always wanting you kno wwhat in the morning, and dream about it but in this country i dont think so,<br />
Is the US cold as far as affection goes?<br />
seem's like it, people are more into acting like a turkey, or doing stupid thing's that caring about a person it seem's,<br />
Im so tired of seeing and running into shallow peopole that are in a hurryor are cold, and non feeling,<br />
I have no preference on a lady either, black white polkadot purple whatever,<br />
I saw Lonely Guy with Steve Martin yrs ago and I felt just like that,<br />
i wouldnt have cared if she was Joyce brothers yrs ago, Id like to have her,<br />
I wouldnt care,<br />
It's what's inside a person ,<br />
not look's,

Im the same way as you Mark,<br />
Im 50 nice looking, personable, manner's, old school,<br />
I feel just like you Mark,<br />
I mean sex in one thing, <br />
but some one you can talk to about stuff on your mind is even better,<br />
I freak out everytime i see a woman and her hubby but they act like nothing for affection, or touching each other,<br />
Id grab and hug and touch and kiss a woman all over,

Affection is the one thing I have really desired all of my life. Too many people are just to shallow to understand the importance of affection.

I know how you may feel, I think. I was between marriages (not a really good solution for loneliness) and started going to a singles club at a church which led to a friendship that i realized rapidly I didn't want but was having a hard time gracefully withdrawing from. I'd also intended to take a class in ceramics hoping to meet someone there that would share some loves that I did and a natural realationship develop but the class was full. I still think that if you join a class doing something you are interested in, like creative writing, painting, or whatever, you increase the chance of meeting someone that could be compatible. At least you are doing something you like.

find and follow your passion. <br />
Remembe all the things you have ever done in the past that ever made you happy, things you enjoyed. <br />
You will start to glow, and when you do, affection and people and will seek you out. <br />
<br />
I remember about 5 years ago I was single lonely deprest, starved of intamicy, I don't like cloubs or pubs. didn't know how to meet people or were.<br />
I stoped one day worrying about all the things in my life that wern't working or making me unhappy and started to focus on the things that made me happy.<br />
Now just like a pin whole in a dam wall. It just got beger and biger and biger, soon were ever I looked there seemed to people looking for me, instead of the other way around, I would be shopping, just for food and meet somone, I would be getting a DVD and meet somone . <br />
This is wat worked for me try it, what do you have to louse...<br />
But I will give one word of worning, as I learned when I was street rolla skating in the Gold Coast Backwords at about 30Klms/ hour when you hit a small stone at age 30 it hurts more than it did at 18. <br />
but I wouln't change a thing

I saw online that some cities have a planned group type of meeting that is strictly for hugging and non sexual touch/affection open to the public - that's all the people who go to these events do - just hug, hold hands or whatever but have a rule to keep the clothes on - has anyone heard of this going on and what do you think? sounds like it probably does a lot of good to help people who are starved for affection

thank you both for responding and caring! I looked into a bike club and so far the only ones I see locally are for advanced bikers that go for many more miles at a time than what I can do. I hope you're right that the universe is lining up something big for me! Its so strange to find myself in this place of being so all alone. Part of this has to do with having my work hours greatly reduced so I'm not even talking to the people at work much anymore since I'm hardly ever there anymore.

Do you belong to a healthclub, take any classes?<br />
<br />
Bike clubs are great for meeting people. Even sitting in Starbucks.<br />
<br />
The universe is lining up something big for you!

I hope you find a guy that will give you everything you need and rock your world.