Still But Fading....
I realized last night as I was laying in bed that someone who I deeply loved was slowly fading away. This is not something that I had hoped would happen, but yet it makes things easier too. I still see some very good qualities this person had to offer and it's hard not wanting that back even with all the bad. Sometimes it's hard to let go no matter how bad that person is for you when you really love someone. As this has also made me realize how much rebounds are possible and never work. As you are still connected to that person, dreaming, visualizing and finding or searching for all the qualities you loved in someone else who can never be that one person.
As I laid there I realized his face that I could draw up in an instant was fading. Why could I picture every detail before but now only some still remain? Funny I remember his eyes and his head that was balding. Why would I remember that of all things? I remember still how I thought he was so beautiful. I can barely remember his laugh anymore. And as I think I can still remember it it's as it's fading, questioning the details of my memory of him. His touch has started to fade and so many other things that I remembered of him are so distant now. Now it's like I still have to deal with the feelings of how he made me feel when before I could remember every little detail of him that made him something special. Things that no one else would have noticed unless they loved him as I did.
I guess in a year and a half this all has to happen and it's part of healing. It's part of realizing what i really want and what I've learned from who I've met. In ways the revelation has made me want more of how he made me feel to fade, make the missing much less than what is still lingering. If I could just forget the way I felt when I was in his arms because it's not the same when I can't remember his smell anymore. I want to forget how our bodies intertwined so beautifully and how beautiful he made me feel. I still remember the good times the things he did for me. The love we shared. While so beautiful to me must have been so one sided. I've slowly come to realize more of that. I've slowly come to realize I was so dependent on him in so many ways. I've come to realize that anyone who showed some of his personality is not a replacement. That playing "what if" will never replace what happened or make things go back to that time. And as I know all of this he still sneaks into my mind every so often and I still have a little tug on my heart but I believe now even my heart knows that "if" he walked back into my life or showed up on my doorstep I could never move on from what transpired.
I think maybe I still wonder if he looks back and misses what we had or wishes he could have made some changes. I wonder if he realizes at 43 years old that he can't let someone else run his life if he wants to be happy; that chances are worth taking. Slowly I'm realizing more that I am so much more than I was at that time too. I've learned alot, loved alot, dealth with alot and it has only made me so much stronger. Maybe that's why you fall in love with someone that isn't meant to last and maybe that's what makes it so much more beneficial when you find that one you are meant to be with.