Call me selfish, call me horrible; nothing I haven’t heard before.

Here’s is a glimpse of my story.. .

This didn’t start out like any typical affair, my husband and I separated and were actually pending divorce. Papers were signed, trust was destroyed and we both knew clearly It was time to move on. Why did we separate? Ironically he cheated on me. Came home told me he was unhappy with me and wanted a divorce. This shook me upside and out for several reasons. I thought I was the wife that cooked, cleaned, catered to the every wants needs and desires of my man. I cooked for him on average 6 days a week, sometimes in lingerie. I ironed his clothes, made his coffee and packed his lunch every morning. I handled all the bills, dug him out of debt and was able to build wealth with our incomes. I gave myself up to him often, no matter how exhausted I was. I listen to him, took care of him when he was sick, I did it all for this man. How could he possibly be unhappy with me? Was it because I wasn’t ready to have a baby? Was it my looks? The answer to these questions I will never know, he calls it a moment of temporary insanity. He of course realized all I did for him a few short months after we separated…. But someone managed to steal my heart away in those few months.

I know, I know, under no circumstances should I have jumped into a relationship after ending a four year marriage but life has a funny way of happening to me. I started talking to a coworker of mine, he was not at all on my radar. I figured it was just what I needed, someone to get out the house and chill with platonically…. Then I got to know him. He was almost completely opposite of me and that intrigued me. He is very much introverted, nerdy, quiet, reserved, disciplined, selfless, to name a few. He Is also loving, caring and pretty much irresistible. It is extremely hard not to love him. Don’t get me wrong he can be a complete *** clown at times. He puts up walls with me, he doesn’t solicit information I have to pry and dig constantly. My point is he isn’t perfect but we damn sure seem to mesh well together. He is 9 years older than I am and our interests are completely different. The only thing we seem to have in common is our adoration for each other and spiritual beliefs.

Time spent together like any friendship is always fun. I feel like I was able to be completely vulnerable and honest with him and I loved the fact that he didn’t judge or throw anything in my face that I told him in secret. He’s very real, I feel one of the many flaws of my husband is that his societal views are not even close to reality. In my husband minds ladies don’t poop, they only give themselves up to their husband, and a wife’s goal is to please her husband and family. I guess I should mention I’m 23, I married very young and although I had a challenging upbringing I didn’t experience much in life before now. So spending time with this other man, lets call him Mark, made me feel so much that I hadn’t felt before. Maybe it makes naive to have such intense feelings for someone I’ve only had a connection with for a few months, but it’s how I feel. Of course how I feel is interpersonal, My favorite book The Fault in Our Stars seems to capture this bizarre feeling I have towards Mark.

{(If you haven’t read the book, or saw the movie. Guy with meets sick girl and falls in love with her almost instantly…boom theres the synopsis- “I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” }

But I digress, my point is I’ve only felt so much in my short 23 years of life and Mark appeals to me on so many different levels.
Shortly after the separation I fell into a severe depression and Mark reminded me that before I diagnose myself with depression make sure I’m not surrounded by ********. It was a great reminder, one I kept on the brain. He excites me inside and not, I literally crave time with him. He comforts me and makes me so happy. I remember this one time I slept over his place and he held me through the night, which was very different for me since I’m not a cuddle lover, but it was such a comforting feeling being held. When I say through the night I LITERALLY mean through the night. When I moved he moved, when he moved he made sure to hold me again. Kind of hard not to feel special, He always said he hates people and I’m an exception and that I’m special to him, I truly believe that.

Now before you go judging him, He has a great heart. One of the hardest things about this situation is that even though we both have strong feelings for each other he wants me to do everything possible to reconcile my marriage. He doesn’t want me to be another divorce statistic. Sometimes I get very confused, I don’t know if he’s pushing me away because he doesn’t want a future with me or if he just genuinely wants me to at least try to work on my marriage… It’s all very confusing and most times frustration. I guess the hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that one day Mark and I will live our happily ever after together. That he’ll tell me how much he adores me and wants to be with me. That we’ll have a baby with cute chubby cheeks and live comfortably and f course cook together most night, take walks in the park, and have incredibly amazing sex as often as humanly possible. Sounds so wonderful in my mind, but we know the end is near… And that’s what scary. The thought of knowing one day he will wake up and I will mean absolutely nothing to him. That his life will continue without me and he will meet someone else and make her feel the way he makes me feel… That’s tough to think about even now. I sent him this quote yesterday, again from the fault in our starts, but I replace his name with the main character’s name just so he could sense how real it was to me. How amazingly sad I feel that our time together is ending.

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers with you than we got. But, Mark, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”

Well, I moved back in with my husband after much consideration and several pushes from the immediate people in my life it seemed like the best thing to do. But what do I do about my emotions for Mark? I wish I could box them up and put them on a shelf for safe keeping. I often wish I could just get the divorce and see where life takes me and pray that it’s in the arms and heart of Mark. Mark seems to think that he was just a temporary source of happiness in my life, but I think I found him at just the right time. When I lost faith in humanity and didn’t seem to think that anyone was worth my time, energy or emotion. Truth be told I don’t think I was ever truly happy with life the way it was, and I don’t know how I’ll ever feel happiness again without him in my life… But what choice do I have? Life goes on, and it definitely doesn’t need my approval of happiness to do so.
lyricalfreedom lyricalfreedom
26-30, F
Aug 20, 2014