Survivor Vs. Victim

it's been six years since the abuse of my childhood has ended.  i have only started to work on healing and i feel like all i have done is go backwards.  i can't make my emotions follow my logic.  i know it wasn't my fault, yet i can't make myself feel that way.  it seems like there is no one to understand how much my mind has warped and twisted itself until i can barely function as a human being.  it's as if i am not really here,like someone else is living my life and i am just watching, not really connected.  i survived the abuse, and am still here, but i don't feel like that is enough.  there's part of me missing.  i don't know how to make myself of before be here, and i don't like the self i have become.  i don't think simply surviving is enough to say i am still alive, because i don't know if i really am.  i am a shell.  what does it mean to survive?  does just being here after the abuse make me a survivor?  i feel more like a victim than a survivor.  before i do anything i think about how i might be hurt from it.  i live in fear.  if that is surviving, i don't want to be a survivor.

runningaway runningaway
18-21, F
5 Responses Apr 3, 2010

Are you getting any therapy? Existence without happiness is a herd chore, but therapy can help you reclaim the happiness that has been stolen from you, the happiness that you deserve, the happiness that was your birthright. If therapy isn't possible now I recommend the works of John Bradshaw, and his "Healing the Shame that Binds You" might be a good place for you to start. I wish you every success and happiness.

To the OP, you're still pretty dissociated.<br />
I'd suggest inner child work-that seems to at least open dialogue with the missing parts.<br />
But if you're not working with a therapist, that could be dangerous.

I am, and I'm not. I see a therapist, but it's hard to work within that forum for me.

too softly spoken. I too have gone through enormous abuse in my life and spent the majority of my life having memories and working hard through many therapeutic and spiritual practices. I had 8 great years where I synthesized so much and was able to re-focus on a career potential , take courses and forget the past. when I was in that state, it made all the work I did worthwhile.<br />
Since I've become physically ill and emotionally bereft with the ending of a relationship, more so the loss of that good life I worked so hard towards for years, I found that I had more la<x>yers, Yikes! of stuff to work through. i totally agree with you, that only those of us who have been through this mill of abuse can understand all that's involved with it. Most people have no clue as to the ordeal it is and how it takes away one's life. thank you for sharing and for responding to running away. We are a special group and even with all the pain, how to put it? Just, we are special people. velvetflow

runningaway what you have put here is exactly how i feel about life since my abuse ended but as you say it doesn't end there because it changes everything and the torment goes on and on, because it reaches so far into our personalities that it screws us up in ways people who haven't gone through the things we have couldn't possibly understand or appreciate. They can only offer kind words of sympathy and an effort to understand, but that doesn't change anything. It's been 15 years since it stopped and i'm still stuck in the same loop like i'm still at the age during the time my abuse was going on the only thing that's really changed since is that time has passed and i've grown older but mentally and emotionally i haven't developed and it's a tremendous struggle to keep up with the stages of life. I lag behind in many ways and it causes so many problems when it comes to interacting with people socially, fitting in and making relationships. For people like us (i don't mean to stigmatise or label) it's bitterly hard to function in everyday life. And you are right to say that we're "survivors" holds no real meaning were me, you and so many other "survivors" are concerned. I feel so angry when mental health councellors tell me I have survived, I find it so patronising. I would rather they just say I'm screwed in the head and broken because of things that happened. I'm sorry, i've gone on a bit but one thing I would like to say is that because you're much younger than i am and are beginning to deal with the things you've gone through you have a good chance of enjoying the best years of your life whereas i'm almost 30 and have only just begun to truly get the help i need so for the most part my life so far has passed me by and meant nothing. <br />
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I've surprised myself with how open i've been here it does make it easier to talk to someone i can relate to though so thank you. Whilst we may never heal we can at least help each other through our lives as "survivors". :)

Thank you. I'm not sure what else to say. Reading your comment helped me feel a little less disconnected. I wish neither of us had to deal with all we have, but I guess, if we had to, it's nice to have someone understand.

runningaway, healing does not happen fast it takes time and it takes growing while I am not saying because you are young I am just trying to say that evey day and year we understand more and learn to deal with things different, the will to want to live and not just sirvive is a start all in its self we have to walk befor we can run, sometimes it is the baby steps we make that make the biggest difference. My prayers goahead