Haunting

It has just occurred to me that I am desperately in love with my ex. The worst part about this feeling is that sinking notion that it was ME that ended things, and I who destroyed it all in the first place. We were madly in love for over a year, but somehow I couldn't commit. How could I be so blind? Though one thing always stuck out to me and that was the fact that he could not accept me for who I was. Though come to think of it I could not accept him either. What a game of cat and mouse. But it seems like pieces of our relationship always float to the surface. I see him all the time in the thing I do and the way I act...though I know he has a new girlfriend and has for some time. How can I get over this? I feel like I have made a huge mistake and ruined things for good.

hopelesstx hopelesstx
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 11, 2010

same thing happened to me , but the worst thing is i got married and i couldnt stop thinking about him every single minute of my life<br />
i feel so bad about myself as i can not feel happy anymore

Hopeless, have you been reading my old journals? I went through the exact same thing that you described with my first love. I too was the one who couldn't commit and then realized how deeply in love with him I was and how huge of an influence he was on my life when it was too late. I also dealt with him not being able to completely accept me as I was, and yes, I still think about him far too often and it's been 20 frickin' years! I don't know what to tell you in terms of getting over it. I'm sure you've heard the phrase time heals all wounds more times than you'd like to count, and in a way that's true, but also think that some people just had such a big impact on us that we're not likely to forget them, or the way the influenced us or the lessons we learned from the end of the relationship. I was much, much smarter about love after him. I never took anyone for granted again the way I did him. I was much more loving, accepting and kind. I've been happily married to someone else now for a long time, but I don't know if I'd be with him or be as happy with him if I hadn't have endured the misery of the break up with my first love. I still carry the lessons I learned from that relationship with me, and though I hate it at times, it's definitely made me a bigger person. The other thing that helped me was making the connection between him not being able to really just accept me for who I was and my inability to truly commit. When I look at it from the perspective of time, I can see that my inability to commit was a self-preservation attempt on my part because I sensed that I'd never be what he wanted me to be and I didn't want to give myself to him fully and have him break my heart in return. There was also reluctance on my part to try and be what he wanted because it was so different from what I am and it would have made me miserable to try and go along with it. Sorry to write a Russian novel in response.