I was only sixteen when my best friend admitted that she had feelings for me. I felt the same way and we got together. We've shared so much of our lives, more than 8 years of ups and downs. It was passionate, extreme and doubtless the most genuine affection I have ever felt for another living being.

But...

She doesn't want to be tied down. She doesn't want to live with me or be with me as a partner. She needs her space, her independence. With me, she feels trapped and stifled.

The problem is we are still very close friends. We've even had sex and been intimate since then, though it wasn't too weird. Not too painful. Actually, instead it was somewhat refreshing to know that she still cares for me a lot.

What is good for her is not what I want though. I never wanted us to be apart. I cannot stand going without seeing her face before I go to sleep. My heart aches when I think that after nearly a decade of feeling as though we were soulmates, I am back to just being a friend. Every dream I had of a future where we were together, where I could call her mine and feel proud knowing I had been successful in finding someone truly special...is gone.

I want her to be happy, I really do. Her happiness is more important to me than any of my selfish desires. But I ache inside from time to time, knowing that this one-sided romance cannot be fruitful. To chase after her would drive her away, make the precious friendship we have awkward and difficult.

If I can't be her girlfriend, I will try to find peace in having the honor of being her truest friend. And even when she moves on (because I know she will, she is beautiful) I will try my hardest to sincerely wish her the best. It is tough, but I know it is the right path. I just wish my brain could convince my heart of that.

I suppose I just needed a place to vent this feeling of futility, of all this hurt and pain, without negative consequences for those involved. Maybe my suffering will strike a chord with someone else who fell for their friend, loved them, then had to give that up.

Sometimes these once seemingly perfect things go wrong. It is the risk we take crossing the borders between partner and friend. I have no regrets other than not being a better partner and not being a better influence. I made too many mistakes and I can't seem to fix them, only try to move forward. I wish I hadn't hurt her in so may ways, had so many fights and meltdowns.

Still, I am in love with her. I doubt I will ever change my mind on that. And even if we cannot have a future together, I know that what we did have was more genuine and more meaningful than most people experience in a lifetime.
Beyala Beyala
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 2, 2014

I have reunited with an old flame from 21 years ago. We both moved on, married and have families. We still love each other, we still want each other yet we are both happy in our lives apart. Funny, I hope you can move on, we did and were very fortunate to rediscover each other. It was totally unexpected. But we had to let go back then. You may have to let go, you may find another, maybe not. Just as we wasted the last 21 years apart, do not on the other side of the coin waste 21 years of your life wishing for something that may never happen. I just do not know what to say to you to make this easier.

Your feelings to her ae awesome! Yet this is true this kind of relationship can't hold enough in society.
You have a vast life up ahead and you haveto face a lot of people..
People not like EP. Where they support each of your feelings..they will ask,taunt, hate, abuse and laugh on these kind of emotions..
But if you not give up where you win.

Thank you, even if I don't know you it feels nice to know someone read my words and understood.

Yeah I Do.!