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I Want Her Back...

Well, where do I begin?  I met this girl earlier this year in the month of February during a class in college, we spoke for a short moment after class and we seemed to have hit it off well...during the rest of the month we began talking more and by mid march we were dating and it was great...In April we became boyfriend/girlfriend, we were both very happy.

It was the time of my life, I never felt so strong for someone like her before.  Also she was my first relationship so of course I didn't know too much about relationships but that didn't stop me from being happy with her. We'd go see movies, hang out at parks late at night, study for school together, so many great things.

However...towards the end of June our relationship got a little bumpy out of nowhere...she became unhappy at times and I couldn't figure out why. Before I knew it in mid July she broke up with me saying that she didn't have anymore feelings for me anymore and that she needed to figure out what she wanted to do, as well as saying that she isn't breaking up with me because of me, but because of herself ("It's not you, its me") she told me.  She also told me I was a great guy.  I am a very patient person and I understood she needed some time...of course inside however when she broke up I was completely devastated...I thought the world ended...and she broke up on the first day of a summer course we were taking together so it hit even harder.  Not to mention we were taking not one but TWO classes in the fall semester...

sigh...anyway, after she broke up she said she still wanted to be friends and of course I agreed, I mean I wasn't going to let her go yet, in my mind I can't...or rather didn't want to.  Well as time passed I still felt devastated, cried by myself, cried with my mom in my room, heck, I even cried on my ex's shoulder (I am a very emotional person)...that's how weak I am.  Nevertheless, I tried so see all the things I thought I did that made this relationship end and though I do admit I made some mistakes here and there,no one's perfect, we all make mistakes. But then I thought about what she said when she said it was her and not me...

Well, she had mentioned about one of her ex's who I believe may actually be the cause of why she broke up with me.  Apparently they had been together for 3 years...and this past summer would mark their two year separation.  She was madly in love with him...she thought the world of him the one and only...yet in the end he broke up with her and she was lost.  My guess is that she still hasn't gotten over him...which is understandable, I mean being with someone for three years and it just ends?  Yeah I think I would still have feeling for that person too if I had a relationship that long, heck its been two months since my ex and I broke up and I still have feelings for her.

Here is what confuses me and I hope someone can help on what this might mean bad or not. I  just need to know:  This has happened twice already after our break up.  One night at a local IHOP we were studying for a math class, doing homework.  I started thinking of the memorys we created together and it got me down...she saw this and asked what was wrong.  I didn't want to tell her because it would just end the night and she would want to leave.  Me however, being a bad lair cause I really can't lie tried to lie but she saw right through it and asked if a hug would cheer me up.  I didn't say anything and she just got up and sat next to me since she was sitting across from me and wrapped her arms around my head like she used to when we were together, it was so comfortable I wanted it to be more comfortable so I scooted further into the booth so she can sit comfortably but she got up and sat back in her seat and said she shouldn't have done that and I just got even more sad...and so I asked her if she had feelings for me and she shook her head no...I panicked for a bit and felt like leaving so I asked for our ticket, got up and paid...we both went outside to our cars since we parked next to each other and stood leaning on our cars for a couple mins and spoke.  It got to a point where she finally smiled and I asked what she was smiling about, and she said not to worry.  then joking I told her I would do something terrible that she would make her slap me if she didn't tell me, and she looked at me funny and smiled again but then she started for her door smiling and said "Oookay I think I should go now" but in a happy guilty kind of voice, but I stopped her and asked why she was smiling I mean what was going on?  Then she finally spilled it and said she was feeling a little bad.  I asked if it was emotional bad or for some reason naughty bad?  Her response? Naughty bad!  So I brought her towards me and we started making out like crazy out of nowhere.  I was so freakin happy I thought "Omg I did it! I think we're going to be okay and get back!"  However that didn't last too long as it went back to being our normal go to school, study and thats it. this was a month and two-three weeks ago.

The next time it happend was about a month ago. We went to a barnes a noble to hang out and check out some books, I bought a Coheed and Cambria Neverender DVD, and she was just browsing.  At times I would start to walk away when I was close to her to look at other things and she would come up to me by wrapping her arm around mine and insisting on staying close to her, and once and a while she would look at me worried asked what was wrong and I just told her I was browsing which was the truth.  after we finished with Barnes and Noble we went back to my car and sat and thought of what to do next.  But as we were sitting there I thought about what she was doing and then I thought about the memorys again.  And suddenly I had the urge to just reach out and kiss her.  She saw that I had something on my mind so she asked.  I didn't want to ruin our day because well I thought she didn't want to talk about it.  So I just told her that it was inappropriate and not to worry.  She kept bugging to tell me what was on my mind and so I just blurred it out that I wanted to kiss her.  She says that it was the last thing on her mind but she smiled and thought about it.  Then she says "how about one peck?" at first I thought whoa wow really? I then told her that if I were to give her that one peck I would want more.  She then smiles and goes "ookay well then nevermind".  Right after she said that her dad called and i stayed silent still sitting in the car.  after she hung up she turned and looked at me and said "I'm still waiting for that kiss".  So I did what I did, leaned over to her and kissed her a couple times.  later that SAME day, I went to get a hair cut with her and after that we went back into the car and AGAIN we kissed but longer and more in-depth.  That is until her mom called and she had to go home to a birthday party. 

I freakin want to get back with her...she is so beautiful, smart, caring, funny, talkative, and I still have strong feelings for her. I still love her.  I'm afraid of just being friends because I want to be more than friends again....though I do realize that we did go a little too fast in our relationship which is why if and when we do get back I'll know to take things slower and not be stupid about it. Above all else...I'm afraid of being rejected by her if I ask her to date me again. I just don't know what to do.

So right now as I'm typing my little story I am still thinking of her.  I'm not going to force a relationship on her, I'm not going to bring up the subject every time I'm with her...I suppose a problem I am having is the lost confidence...ever since she broke up I lost my confidence and I don't know how to find it.  Everyone says time heals all wounds...well yes time does heal all wounds but...it seems like its taking forever.  Regardless I still believe that I have a chance with her and all I need to do is wait it out, that's what I keep telling myself and I hope I'm making the right choice in doing this.

Wow...somehow I actually feel a little better typing all of that...but yeah I have hope, and with hope anything is possible.  My name is Josue, hope is what keeps me going.  I will not give up, I still love her...

GmSlikk GmSlikk 22-25, M 2 Responses Sep 12, 2009

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I read ur story. And it may be brutal but I feela s though she is keeping you around as a just in case I get lonely friend. It feels like to me that she is stringing you a long for her own selfish reasons. I suggest that you don't spend as much time with her. I feel in the end she will hurt you even more. It's possible that she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. This is not good for you. Set herself free from her and some other nice girl will come your way. I've been through similar things in the past. You have to let somepeople go so that new ones have room to come into your life. Best of luck.