I Still Hurt Everyday.

I guess I'm writing this because I cannot tell anyone how I really feel. I was married to my highschool sweetheart for almost 8 years we have 2 beautiful children together. We were always together never apart. I thought we would have this picture perfect life. Be together until one of us took our last breath. I was wrong. So wrong. He left us. He cheated on me, lost his job, he was not the man I knew & fell in love with. He was my one & only I loved this man with everything I had. I don't think I can ever feel this way about another man. I have 2 kids and put every ounce of my energy into them. I live and breath for my kids. And on the outside people probably think I have it all together but I don't. I hurt so much I don't know how I function. It's been 8 years since the divorce. And there is not a day that goes by he doesn't cross my mind. I know he is a giant looser he hasn't seen or talked to the kids in at least 6 years. He owes me a ton of child support. But my heart just can't let him go. I can say I still love him and wish we were still together. I'm gonna turn 40 next month and I'm sick to my stomach to know I'm gonna be 40 and all the things I dreamed about are not here. I feel like my life has just passed by and somehow I wake up every day ogo to work, make sure the kids have everything they need hang out friends & my family. All the while I just feel like screaming. I wonder if he thinks of us. I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he wishes we were still together. O wonder why he left. I was a good wife I worked full time took care of the kids took care of him. What did I do so wrong that he left. He never told me why. He put me thru so much. But yet I miss him so much. After he left and the divorce was final I have put on so much weight. And now I can't get it off. I muttel thru each day putting on my happy face but I feel so depressed & this has been for years. I'm just not happy on the outside yep there she goes she's so funny she's so good to the kids I wonder how she does all she does. Guess what so do I. I wonder all the time do people see they me. I guess they don't nobody ever asks if I'm ok I guess I'm a good actress. I wish this pain that I carry would go away. It's been long enough I don't know why I can't get past this. Maybe someday I don't know. But am I crazy for feeling this way? Could I ever feel this way for another man? I just don't know & I have never been out with another man since he left. I think my heart died and I will never meet another. Why do I still love him? Why do I do this to myself.