Living a Lie

He was my knight in shining armor. He came along when my life was a confusing mess. I had already been married twice before, and had walked away from both due to infidelity and drug addiction (theirs , not mine).  I was a single mother but he didnt care. He loved me, he wanted me when no one else did. We married nine months after we met. He had a son, his wife had passed away two years earlier.    Our first year together was the happiest time of my entire life. We were the perfect couple, We were truly meshed together as one. But then there was the drinking. So little at first , I thought nothing of it, then the binging. It was like clockwork. He never touched me in anger, but he would yell and rant for hours. We started walking on eggshells. Everyone got nervous when he would start drinking because we never knew what was going to happen, or how long the binge would last. After 7 years, I couldnt take anymore. I felt the uncontrollable urge to run. I prayed about it , but there was no one to talk to. He was a pastor, and protecting him was a priority to me. I didnt want to hurt him, but I was hurting so bad inside I didnt know what to do. He had broken my heart, He had slammed his hand down on the table and yelled in my face, "Dont tell me what to do, I'll do what I want!" is what he said. I had threatend to leave before, but couldnt do it. I didnt want to leave, I loved him more than I have ever loved any man. He is the love of my life. But there was no escaping the drinking or the arguments. Finaly after my two youngest kids started to run away all the time, I felt I had no choice. A councelor told me in front of my kids , that if I loved them, I would have to leave my husband. I felt I didnt have any choice, so the following year I did. It just about killed him, and me too. I filed for divorce and started a new relationship, thinking It would make the pain go away. We even tried to get back together at one point, but he was still drinking, and I was afraid . Now it has been 5 years. I think of him every day, sometimes I catch a glimpse of him. My heart has never stopped aching. And I feel guilty because I dont love my currant husband like I love My previous husband. He is remarried now, and doesnt go out of his way to speak to me. Circumstances sometime bring us together in the same place, and I have to fight the urge to throw my arms around him and beg him to run away with me.

Now IM JUST BROKEN. trying to go through the motions. Trying to do whats right. Praying that God will find a way for us to be together someday