Still In Love, and Very Mad About It

M y husband left me on new years day.  It's now nearly 8 months later and I'm still in love with him.  He left out of nowhere after several suicide attempts and forced hospitalizations I thought I was getting over him.  I hardly cry about it at all any more.  I even started seeing other people.  I thought I didn't love him any more, but I was wrong.  I keep having dreams about us getting back together and I am so sad when I wake up that he's not beside me that I have taken to not sleeping on certain nights because I am so scared of the crushing sadness I feel upon awaking.  After thinking about it I realized that I am still in love with him and would take him back in a second even though he abandond me when I needed him most.  I think about him all the time and it's not all bad.  I do love him, but I also hate him.  I HATE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!  I have almost everything about him, I hate how he looks, how he sounds, how he smells, his interests, his friends and ecspecially his family.  I hate him!  I honestly think the world would be a better place if he was never born.  But I love him at the same time.  I know I hate him more then I love him, but it dosen't change the fact that I do love him.  I don't want to love him any more.  But there's something inside of me that won't let me stop.