18 And Still Confused

After summer, I thought I could start my life over. High school was all behind me, I had just come home from a one month trip overseas to learn more about myself and i had cut ties with past unpleasantries. I was starting university and didn't know anyone. I was so naive.

I thought I could do things right this time around, with 18 years of knowledge.

The first month was amazing. I was making new friends everyday and I could be myself around them. It was perfect.

But after agreeing to be in a relationship with the most perfect guy on Earth, I couldn't handle it as I have never been in a relationship before. I burnt bridges, was hurt, and I hurt him too. It was the worst four months of both our lives. It ended 3 days ago.

I realized I had not grown at all. In fact, I had only regressed back to a state of confusion. When I thought I was ready to conquer the world, when indeed I wasn't, and had to hurt a million people in the process.

 I was self conscious once again, I was hurting people again, bad things were being said about me, he dumped me telling me i had put him off with my inability to physically reciprocate his affections.

Suddenly it seemed like everything I did was wrong.

I know who I am: I'm outgoing and loud, goofy and crazy, but at times I have depressed moments and an emotional burden I try to hide. When I'm nervous, I can be reduced to a shivering, quiet little girl. I'm extremely curious about the world yet I'm too in a lala land to stay focused. I have a low self esteem even though I come off as someone with confidence.

I don't know if I'm a good or bad person anymore.
I'm only 18 but I feel like my life has ended.
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Aug 4, 2010