Wanted To Experience Love And Now Wants To Forget It!

Honestly I am just writing to vent off my anger, my pain and my helplessness. I am a married Indian female and was in a relationship for 4 years before my marriage. Still not over my first and only bf and guess, I will carry his thoughts to my death bed! He was really wonderful and very caring though bit possessive. He always made me felt like a princess, I had my first kiss with him and we lost our virginity to each other after 2 years of relationship but later our different religions, our academic differences started taking over and his one big lie about his age made me fall apart from him. In addition, I was more educated, working in MNC and he was just struggling and even wasted my money on his business projects. He wanted to marry me but I kept pushing it away, finally, my family intervened and forcefully coerced me into getting married to a guy of their choice, my father even warned me if I deny he would kill my bf :( ...I was 25 then and in a midway, on one hand, I loved my bf and was indecisive about us as a couple but I wanted to give him time to settle down (bf was 30 though when we started dating he told me he was of my age), on the other hand, when I met my future husband I found him way too educated and intellectual and I took a tough wise decision to let go of my love and get married to this guy who my parents like...Aah, now I think I should have taken time to cool down after leaving my bf...My husband turned out to be a little psycho! He had MS degree from US and soon after our marriage he enrolled in a PhD program here and brought me with him. Initially every thing was good but later I failed to get admission in any University with full scholarship (I have already done MBA). This pissed him off and my inability to work due to visa issues made things worse :( He started abusing me verbally and physically. He hits me, break things and shouts and now even I have started retaliating. I suffer alone and his attitude makes me miss my bf so much. My bf loved me like his little girl and treated me like one. And my husband is not at all like him though when he is good to me he acts like a real gentleman but this cycle of torture and request for another chance is eating me from inside... I don't know what to do apart from missing my bf who has not marry yet and I know he will never marry because he just loved me and he had mentioned this to me while we were in relationship. Now here I am in foreign land, alone, lost and belittled.....I spoiled my life, according to my husband his life because otherwise he would have married a wealthy girl instead of me and obviously my bf's life. I think this all is my fault though my mind still tries to tell me that I was not wrong, I never lied about anything, never cheated (I even told my husband abt my previous relationship on our first meeting itself). I don't talk to my bf, don't even have any of his pic...erased my fb profile way back...and I am still not over him or his thoughts. I just wish I have never fallen in love in the first place and if I did, I should not have been so emotional about it! Love brings a moment of sunshine and leaves an era of darkness :(
giakashyup giakashyup
May 21, 2012