Over 4 Years

Help!  For some stupid reason I feel as if I am not over my ex! 

We were together for 5 years and engaged for 1. Before by 25th birthday he said that he "Could not love me the way I wanted him to."  He told me that I was too happy and positive all the time, and that he couldn't deal with me wanting sex all the time (honestly, I was not that sex crazy).  He was a very dark man. An artist of all things. He never got over the death of his mother from cancer in 1996. He was so proud of his darkness and always wore black, chain smoked, and downed coffee every second of the day.

He never went to a dentist, had terrible teeth, worked as a laborer for a moon bounce company, and always wore dirty jeans that he never let me wash!

My family hated him. He worked long hours and was always gone. His sister hated me for taking him away from her.

With all of these terrible traits, I still was madly in love with him. He had such a wounderful laugh, and the cutest little smile when he was being sweet. He was very warm and caring with me, and I thought really enjoyed being with me.

This was almost 4 years ago. Since then I have moved on. Bought the house I always wanted and am currently with a man that loves everything about me. He loves how hard I work, the color of my eyes, my taste in music, movies (not all my tastes but some). He takes care of me when I am sick, and lets me care for him when he needs it.

Why then, when I found out that my ex was engaged to a girl that he works with. A girl that I could tell that he had  crush on even back then, when he was with me, why did it hit me in the chest like a brick? I felt as if everything in side me just drained out and I felt empty again.

All I want is for him to live the life he told me he wanted when we broke up. That he was going to live alone, work on his art in pain from not being able to love me, and die sad and pathetic. My ego is hurt. Why was I not good enough for a man like him?

What is wrong with me? Please help me get this out of my system!!!

Shadowshines Shadowshines
26-30, F
Feb 25, 2009